A Blue-Tube. Part 1

Going to see Diann on Monday morning as usual..
It's now Tuesday and I've been saving up so much that I now don't quite know where to start.. Well, the beginning might be an option I suppose.

The past week has been pretty good, If I may say so myself, or if Fay may say so..
CONFUSED BY HUNGER...
My eating and the food has been taken to a whole different level. A terrifying one.. I realized on Thursday that I was feeling hungry nearly all the time. I didn't know what to do with this feeling. It was confusing and mind-blowing. I was eating so much and I still wanted more. This started on Monday continued on to Thursday. I didn't know what to do.. I hear you say.. "JUST EAT!". Logical I suppose, because when you're hungry you should eat. But it's not as straight forward as that.. unfortunately. I was scared of overeating and of eating the wrong things. Of course this was Anna.. She didn't want me to obey my hunger. She didn't want me to act on it. She wanted me to ignore it. Like I always have done..

Since the beginning of July I haven't had the chance to feel real hunger because I've always been building up my "daily-menu". My hunger was just never there because it has always been "time to eat".. So I wasn't constantly faced with the fear or the confrontation.."Do I eat or not?". I haven't felt this threatened by hunger...ever. The past months, on an odd occasion I would feel hungry but it wouldn't last, it wouldn't be constant and I wouldn't be strong enough to do anything about it. When Anna was starting to get her claws into me, it was good to feel hunger, it wasn't a threat, it was my friend which gave me power and control. But now, it's supposed to be my friend and I need to act on it. The amount I've been eating in the past 7 days...I haven't eaten so much food since I was working on the farms in Oz, which was February 2007 (which makes so much sense, because that's also when my periods stopped). It's crazy to realize that I was taking in as much food then as I am now..Then I was doing hard labour and I was pyschically strong. Now I'm doing nothing and I'm pyschically weak. I need more food now than I did then as I'm hungry so often. That just goes to show how much life and nutrition I've sucked out of my body since then.. Getting slightly side-tracked..

Back to my hunger..
So what happens now? I was so confused on Thursday, because if I didn't obey my hunger and eat when I felt I needed to, then I was obeying Anna and giving her power and strength.. This is wrong.. But I didn't know what to do.. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday I was starting to feel full again. So I wasn't faced will the hunger, thankfully.

Diann asked me yesterday if I'm ready to take the next in fighting Anna. I didn't know what the next step was.. I didn't really know what she meant.. The next step is... OBEYING MY HUNGER. Can I do this? Can I eat whenever I'm feeling hungry? Can I just walk to the fridge and take out anything I want and eat it? Can I eat something that isn't part of my food-plan? This was the question. The answer: Yes.
Why didn't I do it during the week? Because I was afraid that I wasn't allowed.. I don't know who wasn't going to let me eat it and enjoy it.. Well, it was myself.. or Anna should I say. I was afraid of eating things that are bad for me..afraid of losing control once I start and overeating..afraid of putting on more weight, once I start eating whatever I want, whenever I want.

Diann asked me what it is I'd love to eat.. Well.. I'd love a toasted cheese sandwich.. I haven't had one for so long. Cheese wasn't so much a "forbidden-food", but I'd stay away from it because it can be too nice. I'd love a white roll, with chicken and cheese, heated under the grill and lots of spices..maybe tandoori.. and with onions of course. I could walk to the fridge and make that sandwich if I really wanted to. It's crazy that I'm allowed to do this. The one who "forbade" me from doing this, was Anna.. The one who is now wanting me to have it, is Fay..

Diann said that, this week, she wants me to act on my hunger 3 times. So whenever I'm feeling hungry and I've already had my "daily-menu" I have to have something I want. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as I obey my hunger and ignore Anna. It will be a challenge. Just thinking of it now, is making me panic. But I have to look at it as part of my recovery and it's not for me to get unhealthy or put on weight. It's for me to see that I shouldn't restrict myself from certain foods. The foods that are forbidden are the foods that I should be eating. I have to see it as facing my fears. If I look at it any other way, I'll go insane with the feeling of guilt and failure..
I'm not going to analyze it anymore, just yet.. Maybe later ;)

CHOCOLATE...
I was so worried about chocolate biscuits during the week. It came out of nowhere. There was nobody who said that I have to eat one. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was talking to Diann about this yesterday.. She gave a whole different approach to eating chocolate.

I've never been a big chocolate eater. I used to love a few squares now and then. But I would never overindulge because I don't really have a sweet tooth. The same goes for biscuits. One, maybe two, and that would be enough. But whenever you crave chocolate, whether it's triggered by an add on telly or by writing about it like I'm doing now.. you have to give in. The longer you ignore the craving and the longer you resist, the harder it will be to not overeat. I used to always give in to my chocolate craving and I never felt guilty. For instance, when I was working on the farms, I'd have a Cadburys Freddo (you know the small ones, sometimes with caramel, other times just plain chocolate) once a week or once every two weeks. It was a treat and it would keep me cravings "at bay"..But that was over a year and a half ago. Since then I would only have chocolate whenever people would offer me a piece, just to keep them thinking that I was eating and not on a constant "diet".

Keeping these cravings "at bay" has everything to do with our dopamine levels. These are a "chemical messenger" similar to adrenaline, that affects the brain to experience either pleasure (or pain). People can become addicted to this feeling.. Drugs stimulate this feeling, just like chocolate. If you put off the craving you have for the feeling of pleasure that chocolate can give (women have this more so than men), once you give in, your brain won't let stop you from eating, because it's enjoying it too much. Even though you know you're doing wrong, you still want more and more.. even when you're full and feeling fat, you still can't stop.For your brain to be able to tell you to stop and for you to be able to act on it, you need to keep you dopamine levels up..
I had this uncontrollable feeling once, and it was awful.. It was Easter and I was in my room, alone, and I had one big cadburys easter-egg and a few little ones, the "Easter-Bunny" brought me. I just wanted a little taste.. So I started with a small egg, then I had another, and then another. Then I thought..I'll just have a piece of the big egg.. Before I knew what had happened, it was gone.. THE WHOLE LOT.. I had absolutely no control whatsoever. For a whole week I felt guilty, I felt like a failure and a pig. I couldn't believe how strongly I was able to ignore the hunger as much as I could and how weak I was once I started on the chocolate.. I've experienced the same with nuts as well. I would actually make myself sick on them..
The worst feeling in the world.. I never want that again, ever..

How do you keep your dopamine levels up?.. By giving in to the occasional craving.
So, Diann said that she wants me to have a piece of chocolate during the week. Preferably after dinner, and not alone. If I'm alone, I'll be more likely to overeat(like I did with the easter-eggs) and then I'll feel guilty. Whereas if there are people around, I'm less likely to overindulge. The last time I've had chocolate was the beginning of June, 4 maltesers. For some this might not seem that long for others maybe a lifetime.. For me? I'm not too sure..
So, I have to look at it as protecting myself from overindulging, later on and the longer I put it off, the harder it will be. Again, it's not to make me fat or unhealthy, it's for me to face my fears..yet another one..

So what's happening to me right now? I've been wondering and asking myself this..
Diann said to compare myself to a transparent glass tube, filled with oil. My body was once full of red oil. This is Anna. She was me. Since I started this journey, I've been adding blue oil. This is Fay. Slowly I've been adding the blue, which has been sinking to the bottom making the red oil spill and flow over the top of the tube. The blue oil is being added, more and more and it will overpower the red, with every step. But the blue oil will need patches of the red, in order for it to be more vibrant. This means that the red oil still has a purpose, a positive one. The patches are impossible to erase. They will serve their purpose and will be treasured and seen as adding substance to the blue.
This is what's happening. Whether it's my controlling nature adding the blue or whether It's my natural instinct doing all the work, I don't know.. And, at this moment in time, I'm afraid of the answer.. To be continued..