A Blue-Tube. Part 3

Still sitting with Diann. Rational. Moving my thoughts from my food to my mood.. The two are linked so closely.. So it goes without saying, that all this had an effect on me, in some way.

I went to acupuncture on Wednesday. The treatment itself, wasn't more than last week. It was nice and chilled. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had a chat with Mr. Acupuncturist before the treatment. He said a lot of things that were positive..which also felt like a couple of punches in the face.. He started: "You're looking a little better".. "You're starting to glow".. He then looked at my tongue to see if my "flow" has improved (the links between the organs and the energy channels..or something along those lines).. "Yes..Niamh, I can see a big improvement..".."Well done, you!".. For a moment, or maybe 2, I felt proud of myself. But then I felt awful, instantly. Guilty for feeling good about the good work I've been doing.. Then he said "Niamh, you're getting more fleshy around the ankles..".. WHAT!!! FLESH!!! I don't want to hear about how fat I'm getting thank you very much!!!! FLESHY.. I mean, of all words, don't you think he could have put it a little different.. fleshy.. that makes me sound like I've been transformed into a lump of meat.. that's just WRONG!!
Then he said "But, that's good, that's what you need Niamh"..followed by: "Before long, you'll have legs, and you'll be able to show them off..".. WHAT? LEGS?? My legs are already tree trunks, what is he talking about? They don't need to get any bigger, thank you very much. And as if that wasn't enough, I wanted to feel even worse by asking "What about my feet?".. He said: "Yes, Niamh, they are spreading out aswell". SPREADING OUT?? I don't want my feet to spread out! What's going on man?! But, to be honest, I asked for the last comment, that was my own fault. Anyhow, I was amazed. I didn't know it was possible for a person to loose weight in their feet, but come to think of if I had dropped 1/2 a shoe size..
That was the acupuncture..Never a dull moment..

It could have triggered so much, all these compliments he was throwing at me. Compliments for Fay, but insults for Anna.. I was able to distance myself from them. And from that day, Wednesday, as I went about my business during the day, I started asking myself.. Who is judging me? Who is judging me, whenever I feel proud of myself for 2 seconds? Who is that's telling me, It's too a good a feeling for me to let myself enjoy it? Who isn't letting me laugh at I joke that I find funny? Who is that will tell me I'm a loser for eating a piece of chocolate? Nobody in this entire world..only Anna..which is the voice inside my own head..who is nobody..only a voice. So if I want to feel proud of myself, I will. If I want to have a biscuit, I will. If I want to enjoy myself and laugh, I will. Nobody is stopping me and it doesn't make me a loser or a failure or any less of a person by doing so.

Being able to ask myself this question, each day this week: "Who is judging me?" and answering it, was letting me just be myself.. This meant that I haven't been having major mood-swings, as I have done over the past months. I wasn't too grumpy. I was able to tolerate being around Mam, Sean and Eileen. I was myself. I was almost "normal". I didn't feel bad for feeling normal. Anna wasn't nagging in my ear. It wasn't making me angry that people might be expecting me to act in a certain way or to be in certain mood. I didn't really care. I didn't care what the people around me thought of the mood I was in or what they expected of me.. It's old news.. They know the drill. I am who am, I'm in whatever mood I am. I'm acting how I feel and doing what I want. I'm going through the motions, and dealing with the mood these motions are putting me in. It's as simple as that. And last week, without me putting on an act or pretending to be someone I'm not, I've laughed at jokes. I've interacted with the people around me, I've been switched on.. Even at times when it did feel bad, I was still just "being me".

Beyond my control, I'm dealing with the guilt. Yes, it can feel awful to feel that I'm getting stronger and that I have had good days this week, but if that's how I'm feeling, then that's how I'm feeling. I don't want to act differently, just to live up to expectations. I don't want to tell myself I'm better, because that will only trigger me telling myself I shouldn't be here and I should be working and living a life. I don't want to tell myself I'm getting worse either, because this will only trigger me to lie to myself and in order for this lie to be real, I'd give Anna my power. That's not me and I don't want to be someone I'm not. I am who I am. I'm still here, in Ireland, because I still need to be here. I still have to focus on being myself.. No pushing, no forcing, no pretending. No looking forward, no looking back. Both directions are too scary.. It's still all about the here and now.. It's still all about keeping it real..

Then I look in the mirror. And I have moments of wanting to look good. I want to look and feel on top of the world. I want the "glow" Mr. Acupuncturist was talking about. Looking vibrant and healthy. But then I don't.. I want to look awful and feel like sh*t.. Diann then said that I'm no longer eating to keep my heart ticking and my brain functioning, I'm now eating for vitality and to be fully nourished. It was awful to hear her say that, because I'm so far ahead from where I first started, months ago.. when I WAS actually eating just to keep my heart pumping.. But I can't think about that..I have to block that out, for now anyhow..

Diann understands exactly where I am. She knows that I'm so scared that everything is going to. fast and that it will get out of hand. She even said it, without me having spoken the words. She knew.. But she reassured me.. this is all going at my own pace, my own speed. I'm in control, it's all on my terms. I'm letting it happen, even when it can feel as if I'm not doing anything or when it feels like I can't keep up and it's getting out of control, it's not. It's all Fay's work. Anna would want to make this recovery as long and painful as possible. But Fay wouldn't. It's taking the course it's meant to take..MY COURSE.. Diann can pick up on the speed. She can see it, and she knows that when I feel like I'm suffocating, I know what to do to take it slower. She knows that I can deal with it and that I can see for myself and that I can act on it.. It can all feel so so wrong, but that's what it's all about.. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, and it's not..But it's fine. I can get my head around and I can deal with it. As I write this, I can't tell you how awful it is..

I thought this was the "peak" of our talk. But it wasn't.. There's more..