A Blue-Tube. Part 4

We were talking about food, then mood, then how I was feeling during the days..my moods not taken into account.. Tuesday feeling okay. Wednesday feeling tired and drained. Thursday the same and feeling panicky. Then I went to bed on Thursday night..

I knew, when I was lying in bed, that I felt worthless. I felt like I had wasted a day. I had done nothing "constructive" or "productive". I was restless and I wanted Friday to turn out differently. I wanted to have that feeling of "achievement" which would make me deserve to go to sleep. Because, as it was, I wasn't able to sleep for feeling so restless and useless.

I got up on Friday morning. I was doing things, not thinking: "who is driving me?"..or "who is judging me?". I thought that I was keeping busy but at a snails-pace.. Then it was 11 o'clock and I felt like it was nearly dinnertime.. I was exhausted. I took a card from the deck..my daily ritual. The card said: I'll stop moving forward frantically and move forward at an easy pace. Well, I had to laugh. That was just freaky because that's exactly what I was doing.

So I slowed down, I did a little bit of writing and within the space of an hour I had turned my whole drive and way of thinking around, I did a "180".. I was back to feeling fine, pacing myself and not feeling guilty for doing so.
I then switched on the telly. I watched Project Catwalk. A program about designers, starting their careers. These designers were all in competition against each other. The girl who came third was a 46-year-old housewife. She was ecstatic at how far she had come in the competition and was saying how much her sense of self-worth had grown, as well as her self-esteem and how she has discovered so much about herself and realized her passion in life. I sat there, crying my eyes out, because I knew exactly how it feels to be so passionate about something.

I couldn't shake the feeling. I was thinking about feeling so strongly about something, that words are never enough, and the only to way express this love you have for a certain somethings, is by putting your heart and soul into your passion. It's not about achieving or proving that you're a worthy person. But it's about doing what you love to do. If you have so much to give, so much on the inside and you know how it to project it to the outside world, isn't this to be treasured? Just like these designers..they put their heart and soul into creating a garment..they express whatever it is they want, through their designs.. Just like a chef, a dancer, a volunteer.. It's so valuable to realize what your gift is and to be able to use it..

I couldn't stop thinking and I felt so energized..because I knew what it is in life that gives me the same feeling as these designers. I knew my passion..Everything that's inside of me needs to get out and I know how to express it.. Writing.. I love it so much. If I can touch peoples lives through writing, be good at it and enjoy it..Isn't that a gift?
All I can think about is travel and writing.. That's all I want.. I don't know how, where or when.. But I don't need to stress about that. I don't need to worry.. Diann reckons.. "you're already doing the work"..

The rest of Friday I spent in a daze. I was quiet. I think I only spoke 2 sentences. I spent most of the evening in bed, just gazing at the ceiling. My head was calm and I knew I was doing good. I wasn't thinking about the food that was fattening me up. I wasn't worrying about my hamster cheeks and I wasn't analyzing what it is I have to do with my life. My head was divided into neat little "compartments". Everything was in a box. Every chapter of my life was stored away.. Anna was also stored away and I felt fine with it. I was lonely, yes. I was missing my friends and missing my vitality and independence, but I was fine. I could see that I'm able to stare into space and daydream without worrying, whether it be about Anna or about work. I'm capable..

I could see that going through life with yourself as your "main-man", then this relationship has to be stable. Just like any relationship you have, be it with your husband, wife, best friend, or sister.. A relationship needs foundations in order to get through the tough times. Having foundations means loving that person unconditionally. And when times get tough, that's when the love is called upon and when it's needed most. A prime example. Me. I was traveling, away from home, with my family on the other side of the world, I love them and they love me. But then times got hard for me, and there they all were. When I was at my all time low, they were there.. They love me unconditionally and therefore they want the best for me. Having that relationship with yourself is just as important. If I love myself unconditionally..and can call upon that love when I'm at my all time low, then the full circle is complete..

I went to bed on Friday night and as you can imagine, I felt like I'd had an extremely constructive day. I'd done so much, even though most of it, I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling.. So much going on inside..Which, today, is most important. That's where the work is being done and, for now, "it's the place to be"..

There was so much more, but all this, in the space of 50 minutes..Just blew me away. I wasn't able to talk anymore.. It was all "out there", there's nothing more I could do. But so much sense, so much answers to questions that have come up.. Diann is my guiding star, but I'm doing the work.