Nighttime Rambling

It's only been 36 hours since the last time I started working through my thoughts and session with Diann. It was yesterday afternoon. It feels like ages ago..
The week already feels as if it should be over, and I'm only 2 days in.

It's Wednesday night and the past 2 days, I've been so tired. Monday night, I was exhausted after the hour I had with Diann. Yesterday (Tuesday), I was exhausted after writing through everything..
And to make myself a little bit more tired and distraught, I also made the mistake of checking my emails yesterday. I got one from work. It wasn't bad, but it automatically made me feel awful. I was worrying about whether or not to pack it in. I was worrying that they would try to get rid of me. Reading the email just undid all the good I had done. I was feeling so good and then instantly I was feeling awful again. My high was only very short and my low was slightly longer.. I went to bed at 4 in the afternoon and needed to shut off the outside world again. Because I could feel it pulling at me and I needed to be out there, I needed to be part of it. I was suddenly aware that everything is still going on, without me. But I can't be apart of it, not yet. So I switched my mind off and watched hours and hours of dvds and just wanted the day to end.

But what for? What was the point in wanting a day to end, when the next one starts and nothing has changed. It's only a few hours later and the sun has come up. The worries are still there..
Not wanting the next day to start, makes it instantly impossible for me to have a good nights sleep. I was awake at 6 this morning, I was bored, so I got up and sat down stairs for a few hours, reading and waiting for time to pass..as usual..

The time is passing and I feel like something big is about to happen, like it's just around the corner. It's like I'm waiting for something. But there's nothing..well nothing in the near future anyhow. Next week will be like this week, as will the week after that and the one after that. So why do I feel like I'm playing the waiting game? But am I playing the waiting game? Will I suddenly wake up one morning and there it will be.. The thing that I'm looking forward to so much..the one thing I long for the most. How will I know when I it's there waiting for me? I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to be waiting for..

At this very moment, the one thing I'm waiting for and the one thing I long for the most, is my energy. That's all. I've been starting to worry so much that it's gone for good.. The buzzing feeling of excitement over nothing in particular. The power to just run through life. Has that gone for good? Am I going to continue to live life at a snails-pace? Is this the new me? A slow old fatty hamster, that crawls through life.. I don't want that to be me. I want to have energy like I always did. Have I sucked it all out me, forever? I don't know what to do to get it back..I'm eating and resting.. Anything I do, is slow, because I can't go any faster..I feel the pressure in my chest and am nearly out of breath..

When will this feeling go? At the moment, my mind and my body are not "in sync" with each other at all.. On days like today, my head feels so clear that I want to do so much. But I can't and it frustrates me. My body is holding me back from the things I feel I should be doing. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.. because if my body wasn't so drained and lifeless I might not "recharge" my battery fully and recovery would take longer as would rebuilding my strength. I would be using up all my energy and making this process even longer than it already is..
Is this all intentional? I hope so, because if it isn't and if this is the new me, then I'm soooo not happy..

This afternoon I went to acupuncture and I asked him about my energy. He said it has alot to do with the increase in food. My body is still getting used to digesting so much that it's only natural I'll feel drained all the time. But I do need to exert myself lightly, for my circulation..or else the food that I'm eating won't get to do it's job properly.. That makes sense. So he suggested for me to go for a 15 minute walk, at an easy pace, to keep it all ticking along.

This made me feel uneasy even though there's nothing more I'd rather do than go for a walk and not feel like I'm stressed out and under pressure.. Because that's how I feel, even this afternoon when I walking down the town, I probably only walked 15 minutes in total and I was knackered.. But if I keep on putting it off light exercise, then I'll never start building back up the strength in my legs and my back. Sometimes it's so hard to know what's the best thing to do.
Especially when, just before going to acupuncture, I got an email from a friend, saying that she's amazed that I'm still feeling so weak and that it might be because I'm resting so much..

The combination of the email and the conversation about the walking, was enough for me to go insane.. It raised so much bad sh*t.. I felt awful because I automatically thought that I'm trying to make myself worse than i actually am, by resting. But this isn't the case and it frustrates me so much to think that people think that's what I'm doing.. because I'm not. I want to justify myself to everybody now.. Everyone obviously thinks that I'm fine, because I'm eating and therefore I should be back at work.. It's so annoying.. Nobody really knows.. I hate it when this happens.. it's happened so much and I know it won't be the last time either.

It's all just put upon me and I then have to find the energy and strength to rationalize it all. I have to pull every bloody trick out of hat, as by magic, just to get through it and NOT to get active again, because I'm physically not able. Nobody should even try to give me advice on what to do and how much I should exert myself, because nobody is feeling what I'm feeling, nobody knows my body like I do and nobody knows just how bad this whole situation got and how far I've come and how much stronger I already am compared to weeks ago.. It's so unfair and it makes me feel so awful and so angry.

All this going on inside, as well as worrying about work and feeling that I need to make a decision whether to go back to Holland or stay here and when and if I want to go traveling and if so, where to.. All this sh*t going round and round..and there's not a soul that would have noticed.. That's how good I've gotten at being able to have 2 moods going on at the same time.. One on the outside..which is chilled, talkative and pleasant even.. One on the inside..which is stressed and chaotic with bursts of frustration. These 2 exist along side each other. I don't do it intentionally, I'm not wanting to put up a front, because I don't need to, but it just happens.. Here, at home today, nobody knew anything. This only shows that I'm getting better with dealing with the bad feelings caused by external pressure.. Because that's what it is.. pressure from my surroundings. Pressure I really don't need, can't always handle and that causes turmoil inside my head.. I have no control over who triggers this external pressure and how and when..but I have got control internally. I can control how I react and deal with the pressure. It's the only thing I can do..and I'm doing it now.

So this morning I got off to such a rocky start, I was in tears before I left to go to acupuncture. All because of pressure and stress. I hate it so much. And to make myself feel a little bit worse, Mr. Acupuncturist was telling me, again, how well I look.. The "glow"..bla bla bla.. "full cheeks"..bla bla bla.. excuse me.. FULL CHEEKS? Why don't you just call me hamster cheeks instead..because that's the nickname I've already given myself.. I sound so awful, but he's only saying it to make me feel good (but that's not exactly what he's doing though),and he added that my fat cheeks suite me.. or did he say full cheeks..humm..(a person always only hears what she wants to..)But did he expect me to say "thank you?"..I think so, so I didn't, or come to think of it, I , yeah, just to be polite..
Anyhow, the treatment itself was relaxing and relieved a lot of tension and stress I was feeling.

So, now it coming up to the end of another day. Tomorrow we'll all start again. Maybe if I tell myself every morning that it's Monday, then the week will go quicker and I can start a fresh week from next Monday again.. Or maybe I could just stop giving out about everything and read a book until I go to sleep and not care at what time I wake up at in the morning and not think twice about what day it is.. That's probably a better approach.
Ok. That's enough Niamh, as the saying goes "quite while you're ahead"... I'll put Anna away now..
Good night!!