Chicken - Sit-ups - Housework

It's Thursday morning and I need to slow down.. I've been running around like a blue-ass-fly for the past hour. I'm beat, I'm done..

Last night, I ate too much chicken. It was a load. I knew when I saw it, that it would be too much, but I used to be able to eat that same size portion. So I wanted to try. Half way through, I was full. But I wasn't able to stop. I knew if I were not to eat half of it, that I wouldn't be satisfied and it would only give me a reason to eat more than I should, throughout the rest of the evening. I didn't want to give any control to Anna..even though I was full. So I finished it.

But I was sorry afterwards. The rest of the night, I felt like I was going to explode. My stomach was so swollen and sore. I could hardly breath for 2 hours..and then I had to have a muesli bar. I was full, but I ate it, which made me feel worse. I had decided that, in order to be able to breath properly, I needed to skip a supplement drink, that I usually would have at 9.. I was starting to want it, by 09.30.. But I ignored the craving..and I then cracked at 10.30 and drank it anyway. I knew if I were to skip it, that I would feel bad, but drinking it as well would also make me feel bad. So it's then that I needed to think rational..Doing both feels bad, so I therefore needed to do what I knew, deep down, was RIGHT. Having the drink at 10.30 was far later than I would usually have it, so that made me feel worse.. It meant that I had to go to sleep with the drink stuck in my stomach, along with nearly a whole chicken.. That can't be good.. So I wasn't allowed to go to bed before midnight and then I had to read for as long as possible just be allowed to sleep to properly.

I was able to forget about the chicken and supplement drink, once I had worn myself out reading.. I fell asleep and woke up, feeling sick with the hunger.. It was still dark so I don't know what time it was, and I was tempted to get up and have my breakfast extra early..because I felt so sick. Or maybe even have 2 breakfasts.. But I didn't. I fell back to sleep and got up around 09.00.

How is it possible that, even though I did nothing since eating what felt like a whole chicken and having an energy drink, I still managed to feel sick with the hunger not even 12 hours later? I did nothing to burn it off..I felt so bad. But I knew I couldn't restrict myself.

I was pleased this morning, thinking back on last night, that I had made the right decision to have the drink. Otherwise I would have felt bad for giving into Anna so easily. I got up at 9 o'clock and would have loved to let all the food sink a little bit more, so I would deserve my next meal a little bit more than usual and therefore I would be allowed to enjoy even more than I already do. But I had to shut these thoughts out. I had to forget about restricting and about why I'm shouldn't let myself have food. I had to tell myself why I SHOULD have food and ignore the guilt and the full-feeling.

But after doing all this, without realizing or thinking about it, I set about doing things. Keeping busy and looking at the clock. Because all I have been able to think about since the chicken, is that I'm not doing anything to use the food. It's all turning to fat. And my stomach is getting fat. I can't see my muscles anymore. There's a layer of fat covering them now and I hate it. It's all I can think about... the big gut I'm creating by choosing to stuff my face. I hate it so much. I want to do sit-ups, and keep my muscles strong. Because if I let them go totally, I'll never get them back again and I'll hate myself in months to come for not realizing what I was letting slip away from me.

I don't have any control and I'm listening to what everybody else is telling me to do, and I'm doing everything but I really don't want to. I almost resent everybody for it..And I don't know why. Because it's not them that's doing it, it's me. I'm forcing myself to keep being non-active and to keep on eating because deep down I know it's the right thing to do, but it doesn't feel right at all.. Well, not today anyhow. Maybe tomorrow it might. But I want to get active, so badly..

Sitting down, behind the computer, I forced myself to stop running around and being active. This was the only way I would have been able to get myself to stop. Because at the moment, if I'm not writing or being productive for the good of my health, Anna kicks in and takes over and I can't let that happen. I asked myself: "Do I feel good about myself, after sweeping the floor?".. Well, to be honest, it gave me a feeling that I deserved the slice of toast I'm supposed to have. Which is the wrong reason. If my reason would have been that I'm helping Mam out with the housework, then it's different right? That's the answer I should be able to give, but if I do, I'm just telling a little white lie.

So I then asked myself: "What would make me stop making my day worthwhile for Anna and still give me a sense of accomplishment?".. The only answer, is writing. I didn't think I had anything to say. If my body wasn't telling me that I was tired after doing some housework, I would have carried on, and not slowed down and everything that I've just babbled about on this post this morning, would have built up inside, causing a minor break-down over the following days.

Isn't it strange how it all works? The mind is weird and wonderful thing.. Extremely powerful with a "mind of it's own.."
It's just as well I have so much time on my hands, or else I'd never figure all this out.. But that's a major part of the recovery..Seeing my downfalls that have gotten me to where I am right now, and seeing the possibility of change and the effects it can have..