Positivity in Moderation

I can't believe how much better I feel after my last post. My mood has turned and I'm calm again.. But then the positivity can set it, and get too much..
It can set me off again, thinking I'm all cured, because I'm feeling cured and relaxed with a clear mind.

I can only take positivity in small dosages. I've started to notice this the past few weeks. If I'm happy and I'm writing and discovering things, people around get so happy too. Which I sometimes need, to pull me out of the isolated state of mind I can get myself into.. But it can be overwhelming at times. For me to be able to cope the guilt I feel whenever I'm feeling good and interacting with people, I have to take a step back on a regular basis. Otherwise I just ruin the good days for myself and for others.. I don't want that. I'm just being myself, even when I am in a good mood. If being myself when Anna kicks in too. When she reminds me I'm being too normal and having too much fun, I can only ignore that for a certain amount of time.. The longer I try to ignore, the more guilt I'll feel, when she does finally break me down.

I'm giving her less and less control. The control she does have, can be short but very forceful. However if I manage to get through those temporary setbacks, then I deserve to feel good for another while..be it a few hours or a few days..

She will become weaker with time. She doesn't make me as grumpy as she did up to a few weeks ago. If she is wrecking with my head, I'm now capable of being aware of it and listening to it, but not acting on it. I can still be in a normal mood even when I have a battle between Anna and Fay going on in my head all the while telling myself "I need to be just be myself".. This shows me that I'm stronger, and more focused as I'm able to have two things going on in my head without it totally taking over my head. I can still function and still interact. It doesn't always have to take over my life..

The one thing she still has so much control over, she won't let me talk about myself to anybody. I'm not allowed to say things outloud. Telling people "I love you.." can be tricky. Or talking about my plans or what I'm thinking of doing in months to come. Talking about how I'm feeling, I can't. I close up and freeze almost. I can't talk about things that I love. It's like I'm not allowed to express things that make me feel happy.. I'm already getting enough or maybe too much enjoyment for eating.. So talking outloud to Mam or my sisters about me, expect to Diann, still is an issue. I used to talk to Mam about everything. At the moment, she knows everything, but only through this blog and through the hours spent with Diann.

I should get this back and everything will only get easier with time, I know it will and soon I won't feel bad for listening to my body and acting on it's needs. I won't feel guilty for being good to myself and for learning to love myself or expressing myself in daily life. I have faith that the positive person I am, will come back and I won't shut it out or feel bad about it. I won't feel like I'm lying to myself or to the world and it therefore will feel good, because I'll be being true to who I am..and who I am is positive.. But for now, I have to tell myself.."positivity in moderation" and If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that honesty gives me a good feeling.. So I won't be pretending, it will come natural, I'll be able to recognize it and it will feel right at the time..