A greasy chip and a bar of chocolate..

It's Tuesday morning..yet again. I slept well, which I'm real happy about. It was a real deep sleep, when you feel extremely heavy.
I had this awful dream though. I was forced to have a massive fat greasy chip FOR MY BREAKFAST.. Wasn't too happy about that. I woke up and was so happy that it didn't happen in real life. In my dream I could actually feel the fat racing through my veins. So disgusting. When I woke, I was really looking forward to my healthy breakfast that I've chosen to eat. Nobody will force me.

I'm just about to have the slice of toast. It's that time again. The past week, I've really struggled with it..every day. I've tried every different kind of bread.. From wholemeal, to wholegrain and from multi seed to homemade brown.. Analyzing which slice is bigger or smaller, which one has the worst or most different kinds of fats and sugars and the least amount of calories. Experimenting which one digests better and which kind of bread makes me feel less full. That's what the first four days last week were like. But the fifth day I didn't have it and by the sixth I just ate it and had to force myself to stop driving myself crazy..and tell myself..It's only a slice of bread..
Yesterday i ate it, and I'm just about to have it now again. I've haven't settled for a particular type, or else I'll get fixated and obsessed with the one kind of bread and all the other kinds will become "forbidden food".. that's what I have to avoid. So now I'm having wholegrain..with a scraping of butter. It's actually really tasty..But that will have to our secret..because nobody is allowed to know.

The piece of toast reminds me of the supermarket, which brings up something else.. The past weeks, standing in supermarket has a total different meaning than it used to have... I'm now, all of a sudden, allowed to have anything I want. The barrier has gone that was ALWAYS standing between me and the chocolate and buiscuit counter. If I want to, I can just reach out, pick up this bar of chocolate, pay for it, bring it home, sit on the sofa and enjoy it with a cup of tea. I could do that, it's allowed. Why wasn't it allowed for so long? I would always drool, but I would never give in. I would never let myself have that treat. Now it's allowed, but then it wasn't. But who wouldn't let me have it back then and who is letting me have it now? There was never anybody standing over me, telling me I have to stick to my "diet" and that I'm not allowed to give in to temptation. Only Anna that is. But nobody else would have looked me and class me as a pig for giving in. Only I would have done. I couldn't let myself be weak, I couldn't let myself give into having the chocolate because it's so nice then surely it has to be bad. Therefore I was being bad and the feeling of having the chocolate wouldn't disappear for days. No matter how small or big the piece of chocolate would be. The fact that I had enjoyed it and done my body damage by putting fat into my body, was too much.

But now, I probably should be giving in. To cure cravings, it's wise to have a little, every so often. I'm not sure if I do crave chocolate at the moment. Sometimes if there's an ad on telly I would drool. But that's it. Months ago it was I would crave it more than I do now. Maybe because the barrier is gone, and I'm allowed it, and should have it, as part of my recovery and to narrow down the "forbidden foods", but I don't really want it. It could also be because I'm eating other foods that keep my blood sugar levels steady and I therefore don't want sweet things.. I'm not too sure.

The supermarket is like a world of opportunities.. I look at it in a different light, each time I walk around it. Sometimes, it's scary, because if I were to loose control over myself, I would go mental and would want everything in sight (I can't see that happening somehow, but still..). Sometimes it's glorious, because all the different food are so delicious and can be so nutritious, and there's so many different foods to enjoy. Sometimes it disgusts me. Everybody I see walking around with their trolley, filling them up with more and more food which they'll be putting through their bodies at some stage during the week.. And then I'd start to look at the groceries they're buying.. I would either be slightly jealous for all the healthy food they'll be enjoying or I'd just feel ill.. it depends on the day, it depends on my mood. At one stage I wondered why on earth people ever invented supermarkets..?? What's the point? All that food, it would have to go to waste surely?! Isn't it impossible for it all to be eaten..it too much..

These opinions are changing though. The more weeks that pass, the more a supermarket becomes normal. Because it is just a normal thing. It's something people can't be without, it's apart of daily life..
Supermarkets with food that I'm allowed to eat..