Manic Monday continues

The week before last, I found out so much about everything. So many things came into my head, so much clarity. Last week..nothing.. well, yeah, actually there were moments..probably more moments than I was aware but maybe I blocked them. And after not giving everything a place, things can still seem so floaty.. I feel everything needs structure. I feel like I've lost control of this whole thing and I can't keep up with what's happening and most times I don't know what's happening..

I don't know where to start..There's yesterday..there's alcohol..there's the roast..there's my failing today..there's my positiveness towards everything..there's me feeling fine and laughing..there's me being angry and crying..there's questions without answers..there's my fatty body and my hamster cheeks..there's my missing my mates..there's me wanting to leave..there's me not knowing where to go..

It's just starts as one day but it's so much more. It can expand and evolve and before I know what's happening all I know is my name..my age..and that I'm in Arklow.. That's it. I know my height, it's 1.54..my weight..nobody knows.. My appearance? fatty hamster-cheeks with the worst hair and freckles.. That's my cover. What's on the inside? Does anybody know? A heap of food that's clogging up my arteries? Or a soul?
Who knows and who cares..

Do I hate myself that much, that I feel the need to fight myself all the time? Where has this hatred come from? I had confidence? Yeah, I think I did. But do confident people hate themselves? Doesn't everybody have a day when they don't like being in their own skin.. That's part of life.. So why couldn't I just let go of that 1 day I hated myself and love myself the next. I don't understand. Diann said something today, I wasn't really taking it in, so I can't put it into words properly.. It was about judging myself by what's on the outside.. But that makes me sound shallow.. O No, I can't make any sense of it..sorry. I don't know.. She didn't make me sound shallow today, so I'm explaining it wrong.. how annoying..sorry.

I'll rephrase it..We were talking about me and that I would always judge my happiness, by the remarks and reactions people would have whenever I returned from traveling. During the week I realized that I would associate having had a brilliant time traveling and living the best life ever, with my appearance and with how much weight I'd lost. That was obviously setting myself up for a downfall.. It seems that my whole year abroad I was living according to Anna and all my adventures were controlled by her..my lifestyle, the way I chose to fill my year..everything I did was for others and to make them think I'm having the best life and that I'm as happy as could be. When really I wasn't.

How did I fill my year in Oz? Not like any other backpackers. I worked 9 months out of the 12. Most backpackers would work as little as possible. I never had fatty foods, I would go running, in 40 degree heat, while friends would be relaxing by the pool, drinking beer. I would always give out whenever we only worked 4 hours instead of 8.. I wanted to work more. Every job I had in Oz, I would save as much as possible and everybody knows, that saving money restricts you from doing fun things. But I didn't care, I needed to save to get to get to New Zealand and to get to Asia.. When coming back home after traveling, did all my adventures just become insignificant, because of how focused I was on being skinny? My adventures aren't insignificant. It was one of the best years of my life. Reading this, you may think I've regrets..It may sound like I had the year from hell..But I don't and it wasn't. I wouldn't have done it any different. If I'd have had a different approach, I wouldn't have seen the places I've seen, I wouldn't have met the people I've met. So, no I don't regret it.

Diann once said, that this was meant to happen to me. So it wouldn't have mattered where in the world I would have been or what I would have been doing, it would have happened.. I want traveling to be my world..if that makes sense..So with or without Anna, I would have done it all and I still plan on doing it all when she's gone. It's just different. Sometimes I think if I hadn't been traveling, this wouldn't have happened now, but in years down the line..It would have brewed for so much longer. The fact that when I was traveling alone without anybody from home to see that I was losing weight has made this all come to a head so much faster than it otherwise would have. So for that, I suppose I'm grateful. That means that it will be over and done with, sooner rather than later and I'll be able to live a free life with a free spirit, knowing who I am.. So, again, I have absolutely no regrets as to the choices I've made.

It just goes to show, that catching a plane, is a journey and you leave a life behind but really the only thing you leave behind is you psychical world.. Everything else you carry with you. If a person has problems, it doesn't matter where in the world they are, the problems will catch them eventually. It just depends on your surroundings (the psychical aspect of your life) as to how and when the problems arise. Starting a new life, can be done without moving to a new house or a new country. I'm starting a new life, here, behind this computer screen.

I'm starting over.. A new beginning. I read somewhere that the main way to recovering fully from Anna, are by following the 3-c's.. -Changes -Challenges -Choices.. Changing my rituals, changing my lifestyle, changing my outlook, discovering what makes me, discovering what breaks me..
The changes that needed to be made bring challenges along with them which I have chose to do.. Example: Keeping a food diary. I've been doing this since July last year. I have a little black book, where I used to make a note of my thoughts on food and the food that has gone through my body. As then less I needed to write down, the better. This was my private thing, nobody knew about it and it made me feel safe..just like the weighing scales when it told me I'd lost another kilo. This is a ritual, my life revolved around it. But this needed to change, in order to recover. So now, I've a different book (it's not black, it's green, which is a lot more positive) and I write down the things I've eaten, but it has to be as much as possible. This doesn't come easy. Writing down on paper everything that I digest during the day..it's a challenge to eat it all and a challenge to face up to the fact that it's my body that's taking it all in and digesting it..But it's my choice. I control it and I choose to eat everything I should be eating (on most days anyhow..).. So, you see how the 3-c's works..this is just a theory put into practice. Another ritual that needed changing..eating slowly. I eat slowly, but have started to speed up because the slower I eat, the more time it consumes which muddles up my food-routine. This is changing, but it's a challenge. It's unnatural for me to eat fast, because for so long the only time I DID eat, I would want it to last for as long as possible and my stomach wouldn't be able to digest it quick enough either. So it's now tiring eating at the same pace as the rest..but again it's my choice. I have to do this, in order to be able to live a normal life. It's another change, another challenge and another choice.

It's not only the little habits that need to be changed, but also other aspects of my life that supported Anna. Such as my living arrangements in Holland and my job. If I were to go back to my life as it was before, I'd be inclined to slip back to my old ways or I would be haunted by the doom and gloom I'd felt before. I don't reckon I could go back to my job and be happy, knowing what was going on with me before I left in June.. I hate that job and now knowing that the things I want from life are changing and that starting a new life also means changing my lifestyle, I can't see why I would choose to go back there...I think for 95% I've decided to leave work. I'm not too sure yet about going back to Breda either.. But I'll soon find out. It's just another change, a challenge to discover what I want and the choices are mine.

Has everything I've done the past few years, been down to Anna? I wonder if she's been my source for every decision I've made? An example: staying in a job I hate, just to prove I can stick it for a year and to get a good reference. Another example: walking to work instead of buying a bicycle in order to burn more calories.. If the answer to any of my questions starts with: "I wanted to prove..."..then I can safely say, that Anna was the reason. So now, in order to change my way of thinking and to live my life without Anna being the reason, I must ask myself the question.."Why am I doing this?". If the answer I get, is anything to do with Anna, then I shouldn't be doing it. I have to things for the right reason. If it's eating, if it's going to the shops, if it's buying clothes, if it's choosing a different a job or doing a course..

All these thoughts I've just described, have been lost for weeks..Lost in my head. Maybe now I've made sense of them all, they're found which might help me to feel less lost.