The story so far - Part 1

I've lost count of the number of sessions I've had with Diann. It's not important. The only thing that matters is what happens during this hour and the effect it has on me and my daily life.

It's hard to start dealing with a session sometimes. I sometimes just want to put it off, I don't always want to go through every little detail again that came up, whilst talking to her. But I have to. If I don't, it will will remain unresolved or I will forget the importance of it and I won't take away as much as I can from this hour around which my life revolves. It's like a job, it wipes me out and it wrecks my head. But it has to be done. I have to bring it all back to the surface, because overnight or even hours after the session, it can start to sink. It then all becomes repetitive. Everything.. It's like revising while studying for an exam. Over and over again, things need to be brought up and analyzed; things that I thought I'd solved or made peace with. But, on countless occasions, it becomes clear that I haven't made peace with it or given it a special place. Not until that special place is found, will I stop repeating myself over and over again.. and it will also be the time that I will stop ranting and going round and round in circles feeling like I'm getting nowhere.

Yesterday was hard. The past week, just went by, I did what I had to do. I ate everything I needed. I had my first piece of chocolate and obeyed my hunger, 3 times. I did it all. I analyzed everything..Turned it inside-out and upside-down, until it was impossible for me to have missed a feeling or forgotten a sensation. But then when I was with Diann, and had to go through the motions again of how I felt when I ate the chocolate and when I obeyed my hunger, I was different as to how I was when I was actually doing it. Talking about it, and admitting openly that I had enjoyed the chocolate and the toasted cheese sandwich and the yogurt, made me feel like such a failure. How could I be letting myself openly admit to enjoying "forbidden-foods". Food that I had banned myself from even considering eating. The barriers had been let down, just a little bit more, my "leash" had been loosened some more and it made me panic. I was giving Fay just a little bit more of my strength and letting Anna go, just a little bit more. I felt guilty to openly admit that I was fine with it. A lowlife and a failure.

I really didn't know why I cried so much and where these tears were coming from. I didn't feel that bad while I was eating it all. But the fact that I had taken that enjoyment of a piece of chocolate away from myself and that I didn't feel I deserved something so nice, probably only hit home once I realized I'd forgotten how good it tastes. It was only a piece of chocolate. What was the big deal? People do it on a daily basis.. But the as the saying goes "you don't know what you've got, till it's gone".. I got a glimpse of how it feels to treat myself and to listen to the needs my body has and suddenly I could see the importance of knowing that these needs have to be listened to and acted on, in order to be healthy. It's not only the chocolate, but every other kind of food that would tickle my taste-buds.

Why didn't I feel I was allowed to enjoy a piece of chocolate? The answer is the same as every other question I've asked myself over the past months.. I didn't deserve anything in the way of pleasure. Self-destruction felt nicer than anything else. It took this piece of chocolate for me to realize, just how precious pleasures in life are and how important my body is and how I am the only person who knows what I need and that I'm only person that can act on them.
The whole world is allowed to pig-out occasionally and I would happily stand by and watch. I was never allowed to and even the thoughts of it, would just make me frantic. Everyone was worthy, but I wasn't..
That these were the thoughts that would keep me going, each and every day, makes me so sad. I'm only human. I'm a person. I'm not a robot..

Writing this, makes me feel awful, because of what everyone must think. I'm feeling the need to justify is all, as I usually do, just to stop me from panicking. I can't say that I'm now suddenly feeling fine about treating myself or that the guilt is gone and that I'm allowed. It's the nature of the illness, as Diann once said. The guilt of treating yourself can be too much to deal with. That's why I need to take it slowly. Figuring out what I'm craving for and what I enjoy the most, needs to be gradually introduced. If not, it could send me in the wrong direction. It can become overwhelming if I all of a sudden know that I'm allowed to eat everything I want. It can cause panic and fear. And she's right. Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed, and even nervous at the thought that in months down the line, I will be eating whenever I'm hungry and I'll be eating what I'm in the mood for. I'm just at the start of a different stage and I don't want it to freak me out..

Being "let loose" can cause me to overeat. Diann said that there will be days when I will eat too much.. I suppose you could compare it to a kid who has never had any toys and is now being let loose in a toy-store, and is allowed to have anything they want.. Of course they are bound to go over the top. All this food, can have the same effect on me. So it's better that it's gradual. Diann also said that whenever I do start to panic, even over the next few years, that all I will always have the food-plan that I've been following the past months. It's safe and it will keep me eating. It makes sense and I just have to remind myself, constantly, that it's all part of the recovery.. I need to learn to trust my feelings again, to trust myself that it's safe for me to eat what I crave. My brain will slowly readjust to my new eating patterns and a varied food-intake will teach me what my "healthy balanced diet" consists of.

The past week I've been trying to find out what the meaning of the word "healthy" is. I would be thinking about food and how I will be around it, in the future. Do I need to stuff my face with chips, just to be healthy and to ignore Anna? Or is this unhealthy? But if I don't stuff my face with chips, then won't I be restricting myself? But I would never stuff my face with chips.. I'm just not a fan of chips.. the same goes for fast-food, sweet, crisps..the list goes on.. But is that real? Or is that just Anna talking? I don't know. According to Diann, it's only when I start ignoring cravings for certain food and restrict myself for the wrong reasons, when it's unhealthy. Just say, if I'm in them mood for chips and I ignore this because of the calorie content or because I already had some a few days ago.. That's when I'm restricting myself and those are signs of Anna. But if I say "No" to chips, because I just don't enjoy them, then that's different and that's healthy.

People who have an unhealthy relationship with food, tend to ignore all their cravings and stick to a certain diet. Then, whenever they do indulge or give in to their cravings, they put on weight and then they go back to dieting again.. The jo-jo effect. We were talking about Christmas yesterday as well. A lot of people indulge over the festive season, and put on weight. This is mainly because they restrict themselves nearly constantly the rest of the year. At Christmas they allow themselves to have all the food they want, they eat uncontrollably and put on weight.. So, I guess, having a healthy relationship with food, means you can eat but you know when to stop and you CAN stop and you can overindulge sometimes and NOT put on weight. I suppose that's my aim. But I don't want it really, because I know I'll be huge..

Going to a restaurant..Now I know why I was never able to choose anything.. There would be a menu of delicious food. I would have to pick something but I would never know what I was in the mood for, because I hadn't had so many of those foods for so long, that I wanted them all. I had learned to ignore the cravings, so whenever I ate in a restaurant, I wouldn't have a clue what I was in the mood for. I wanted it all and after choosing a meal, I was never satisfied.. But that only seems logical to me. If you crave everything, you'll never to be satisfied because it's impossible to cure 1000 cravings with just one meal.

Then there's another issue... When you're not allowing yourself to have something, you want it more than ever. It's "off limits" and therefore you want it more. But when it's no longer "off limits" then it suddenly doesn't seem as appealing as it did when it was forbidden. It's strange. Because, at this very moment, I could eat if I wanted to. But I'm not letting myself, and I'm waiting a little while longer, to be hungrier. This means, that I could drool over everything in the cupboards. But if this was a time for me to eat..then I wouldn't want to, because I'm allowed and it's therefore not as appealing. So if I tell myself that I'm supposed to be eating, will this stop me from overeating? But that's giving Anna strength. So I should tell myself that I'm not allowed anything, which will make me want everything.. Then it gets tricky.. Because once I've chosen what it is I'm in the mood for, can I bring myself to eat it, after just telling myself I'm not allowed to eat?? That's the big question. If I can bring myself to eat, then the theory works. However if I can't bring myself to eat it, then Anna is in control.. Am I just confusing myself here, by over-analyzing this? Or am I making sense? I think I'm just getting slightly off-track and I'm just making myself panic..
I have to forget about it..

Diann wants me to obey my hunger 2 times this week. I can do that. It's fine..I'm just going to try not to over-analyze..
Time-out for now..To be continued.