Appetite for life

It's Thursday morning and the past few days I've been trying to rest as much as I can, just to save my energy for this weekend. I'm off to Holland, with Sean, in a couple of hours. I'm looking forward to it, but anxious at the same time.

It's been a hectic week, to say the least. Tuesday afternoon we had a visit from Trish and Ed, my aunt and uncle who are over from Australia for a couple of weeks. I hadn't seen them in a year and half and it was so cool to see them again. The last time I seen them, was when they came to visit me in the pub in was working in back in Oz. How strange.. Everybody jet-setting across the globe and paths crossing here and there. It's so great.

The strange thing, is that the more I'm around my family..as I have been the past week, the more I'm aware of how things are. I was talking to Diann about it on Tuesday evening, and I was going to say: "I'm just so aware of how BAD things are.." But I thought twice about that statement, and things aren't BAD. Things are just how they are. Again, it's what Diann was saying on Tuesday: "Who determines what's good and what's bad? Anna has different interpretation of what's good and bad, compared to Fay's".. Seeing how bad things were months ago and how bad things could have gotten, makes things seem good, right now.

Talking to Trish and Ed again, started to make my feet itch.. as in.. it got my "travel-juices" flowing again. But that's fine, because I knew it would and maybe that's what I needed, just to stay positive and to keep on top of things. I might have needed it just to see that by pushing, forcing and pressurizing myself I'm only going to make things harder than I could otherwise be experiencing things. If I want this to end, I have ease up about things and keep on taking it easy. I was trying not to dwell on the fact that I'm in Arklow and that everyone else is "living their dreams". With Diann on Tuesday we did talked about this, but Diann kept on reminding me, that it's Anna talking and she's getting to me, because deep down of course I know that I am where I need to be, no matter how it may feel.

The feeling of being happy or sad about being in Ireland, can change from day to day. Just like my moods, my thoughts and my energy. I have to let the feelings be.. Leave them alone, be aware that they're there, and keep on doing good. Analyzing and dwelling on hating certain things, doesn't make it any easier. Anna wants me to feel this way. So if I do, I give her power and make it more difficult for Fay to stand her ground. The thing is.. because I'm not always as energized as I could or should be, I don't always have to energy to fight stand up to Anna..that's when she makes an entrance..

This brings me to another subject.. Diann asked me Tuesday and last week Monday, if I feel that I've been losing weight again. I couldn't answer it. I was in foul mood both sessions..so when she asked me this, I was so tempted to: "I wish I would loose some weight..that would be great". But of course, I didn't speak these words outloud. But honestly, I don't know if might have lost any weight. She asked Ma, she couldn't tell either, because she sees me all day. However Diann says that she'll be able to see if I've lost any weight either by looking at me or by the way I would be talking or thinking, she'd notice it. (By the way..how bizarre is that? and amazing that she can tell, just be the way I'm talking..what a woman!)

The past 2 sessions, looking back on them, I rambled and rambled and rambled. To keep the positive thoughts in tact, I need to be gaining weight or at least stabilizing my weight. I've been eating intuitively most days for the past 2 or 3 weeks which means I've been eating less than I would do on the days I follow my food-plan. Eating intuitively is eating when I'm hungry and following the food-plan I eating whether I'm hungry or not. So it's normal that I'm eating less. But I'm not allowed to be losing weight.

During Tuesdays session, I was so muddled, towards the end, Diann asked me if I need to introduce anything new, if I'm doing okay eating intuitively and if I need to change anything. Well, I wasn't wanting to hear anything that might have suggested me eating more. My frame of mind was grey.. not totally black though, just a few shades lighter.. If I loose weight, I'm not getting enough nutrition and I'm triggering Anna, because she wants me to be thinner and feeling bad which brings along all the negative thoughts too. So now, I'm not too sure what the story is, concerning the number on the scales. I don't know what it was a month ago and don't know what it is today.. I'm guessing around 45. The last time I was weighed, was on the 23rd of September, and I was 35.

Now, the big question is.. Have I lost weight and if so, was that the cause of the few awful doom and gloom days I've been having? Or was it just the pressure I've been putting on myself, because I've been wanting to do as much as possible? Who can tell, I don't know. All I know is that I need to get as much nutrition as possible, to rule out the possibility that I might loose weight (my metabolism mightn't have stabilized yet which, according to Diann, can cause my digestive system to speed up and slow down which in turn can cause either steady or rapid weight-gain or weight-loss ). If losing weight, is what's causing me to feel down, then I don't want to ever loose it again. Feeling good and positive is far more important and far nicer than dropping a couple of kilo's. I don't want to think myself into a knot anymore, because it's not helping me at all. I like to be positive and happy. I love to feel strong both physically and mentally. Because that way, I feel vital and I can deal with things and will feel better and better about where I am and where I'm going. The anxiety becomes less so I can sleep better, which makes me more energized and positive during the day, which will increase my appetite a little more again.. and on and on it goes..

Food glorious food, so delicious but so complicated.. Sometimes the whole "food for thought" can seem to vague and not connected and the next, it all fits and makes so much sense.. Sometimes this phrase has no meaning to it at all, and other days I could write and write about it all day long and love what I'm realizing..