Stress & Food 3

The thing that was causing me so much frustration: Stress, without even realizing it. To live from day to day entails interacting with people, planning a head, eating meals, learning new things, looking back on old things, experiencing and feeling, seeing opportunities for what they are, accepting certain situations and dealing with problems no matter how big or small.. This happens day-in day-out. That's what life is all about. To be able to deal with all this, brings a certain amount of stress along with it. To still be able to feel on top of things and good or even just okay, takes so much energy. The funny thing is, I never realized this until now. I don't have it anymore, so I'm only now seeing how daily stress zaps energy-levels, if I don't look after myself properly.

Thinking clearly, or living in a daze.. Feeling positive or negative.. Being good to myself or bad.. Choosing what's the right or the wrong thing to do.. It's a 24-hour activity. The brain working all the time, and constantly needing nutrition and nourishment to be able to to deal with everything. The worrying literally eating away at my body, mind and soul. It eats the precious calories that should be used to regain energy and put on weight. The worrying eats the positive thoughts and leaves the darkness and negative bad feelings behind. All this can only lead to a fuzzy and muddled up head. Like a maze. There seems to be no way out. When at one time, there was a way out. That was the time that I knew how well I was doing. I suddenly became lost again. The return of the maze..going round and round in circles, all day long, not seeing anything but confusion. And the more I try to see the clarity, the more, the more jumbled it all becomes. Not letting the work to continue underneath the surface and forcing more despair upon myself.

Diann said tonight that by not giving myself any space or any proper time for everything that's happened the past weeks and months, to settle down and for me to give it a place, I'm only prolonging it. Because resisting the feeling of goodness and resisting my body and mind trying to process all the things that I've been learning and letting go of, I'm causing more pain than necessary. She told me to see it like a sentence. It can be one long line, but the words aren't adjoining. There's a space between every word, a space that gives the brain the necessary time to process the information. It there weren't any spaces between the words, the sentence would be just one line and all you'd see would be letter. You wouldn't see the meaning of the adjoined letters. Your wouldn't be able to process it.. The brain needs space. Diann told me, that's what I need too. To sooner I let that happen and let all the events of the past months sink in properly, that's when I can start accepting and start feeling fine about it all. If I can do this, I won't be causing more pain than necessary and I feel more vital and energized, sooner rather than later.

I sat there tonight with Diann, and I all I wanted to say was how awful I feel to not do anything all day. When I'm crying and upset I'm feeling better.. Why? Because it's giving into Anna.. But surely I need to deal with more.. I haven't been through enough and I haven't suffered enough. What more can I do? Why do I want to do so much more? Because if I'm not, then I think I'm all cured and better and healthy and I start to wonder what I'm doing here, in Ireland and I worry that I'm not at work. The same old things over and over again. It gets so old and boring and I'm so sick of it, and I just want it all to be over. By trying to suss out more stuff and feel more than I'm feeling, I'm only making it worse. I've never felt good when I've not done anything. My old habits, still taking control. So hard to break and I can see exactly what they do.

I need to be able to deal with daily things, and see them for what they are. I have to recognize the voice inside my head, hear when it starts bugging and me and ask myself: why? I have to not properly hear the things people say and write to me.. Things like: you're doing so well. I hear them and I read them, but I shouldn't let the words effect me. And that's what I've been doing. It's been secretly, beyond my control, trying to muck with my head and make me feel bad and it's been giving me back that feeling of "seeking approval".. I seem to need to prove to Anna that she still has me in her claws. I don't even know I'm doing most of the time, and that's what makes it hard. Diann wants me start recognizing this, being aware that it's happening, but I'm not to let it have control over me. Only then can I start standing up to her, in other ways that aren't food-related..

How do I know when I'm doing good and when I'm doing bad? Diann had an interesting theory. Who determines what's good and what's bad? What one person might see as bad, another person might see as good, and visa versa. It's an opinion, it's not a fact, so there is no concrete evidence as to what should or shouldn't be done. I need to FEEL for myself if something is good for Fay or bad for Fay. Diann asked me tonight.. Who is telling you what's right and what's wrong? Well, I don't know.. and if I can't answer that, nobody can, because nobody knows how I feel, nobody knows what's right and wrong by myself only me.. It makes sense that nobody can give me these answers..because right and wrong is different for each individual. Doing things that are driven from the heart and not from the head. I know the difference, because I've felt it before. I just have to work on that. I have to let myself do things because they feel right, for the good of me and not for the bad of me.

At the end of the session, she asked if there was anything else.. of course there's so much more, but I can't right now, I'm not able.. It will keep.