A bed away from home

I lay in a different bed, for the first time in 5 months, on Thursday night. It wasn't nice and I wasn't happy. I felt alien. I didn't know why I was here and why I had put myself through that awful journey and why I hadn't eaten enough all day and why had I stood too long at the gates before boarding the plane.. WHY WHY WHY?

The pressure of it all was too much, but I had brought it all on myself. It was my own doing. That's what makes it worse.
I had moved myself from Arklow to Axel, in the space of 8 hours. I had moved my grief, my body, my empty stomach and Anna from one place on this planet to another. It was still all there, nothing had changed. Everything just felt worse, if anything. I didn't see the point in me being Holland. I didn't need to be here. Because the next 4 days, all I wanted was sleep and rest to get over the journey and to regain energy again to get back to my bed in Arklow, where I'm safe and where I look after myself.

I had to go to that place inside of me, where everything is always okay. It was still there. My world was still the same colour as it was back in Arklow. Only now, there was no comfort. Nothing to make me feel better.. or so it seemed looking back on Thursday night. The only thing I had done was prove that I'm stronger than I was 2months ago, by getting through the journey. But to who had I proved it? To my family and myself. But I don't have to prove anything, even though that's how it felt. I had also proved and I felt so strongly that I'm still far from being able to physically live a busy daily life. This didn't make me feel too happy either.

My comfort-zone had gone. Back in Arklow, I had my familiar food to comfort me. I had the easy feeling of being able to be grumpy. I didn't have to do anything other than think and look forward to food. Back in Arklow I didn't have to plan the next day and I didn't have to feel bad for not wanting to meet up with friends. But here it's all different. My life for next 4 days will be different. I didn't want it to be.

I had to remind myself over and over again what Diann had said on Tuesday eveing.. Niamh, take one day at a time and if you're not feeling up to it, then don't do anything. On Thursday night, the way I was feeling told me just be feel what I'm feeling at that moment.. And that was.. exhaustion. It was the main feeling, so I needed to focus on getting that back to normal. I needed to sleep and to rest. Friday I will think about Friday and Thursday night I was TRYING to think about Thursday night.

I wrapped my arms around, thinking that was the only thing that would make me feel safe. My supplements were in the frigde I still have my blog.. That's all. Thinking about these things, I tried to feel safe. But there was a pressure in my chest. My heartbeat felt different. Not faster, not slower, just different. It felt as if there was no life inside of me. It was still empty and food and nutrition wouldn't fill it. It was a different kind of nothingness. I kept on hoping so desperately that I hadn't done any damage. Because 4 days in Holland, is just not worth it. I knew I'd feel a difference in the morning.

It took me forever to get to sleep. I had bad dreams and was seeing things and having visions all night. I was making myself go insane, to be quite honest. But I couldn't help it. I was trying to fight it, but I couldn't. What energy did I have to anything other than lie in bed and let the thoughts just float around in my head? No energy so no fighting. Just being..