Waking on a Friday morning..

Friday morning I woke up, and I was still tired. My head was so awake but my body was still sleeping. It was still exhausted. It was half 6 and the first thing that came to mind was.. o no, I have to decide today what it is I want to do. I couldn't bare the thoughts of having to plan that far ahead. But I couldn't stop worrying.

I lay in bed for an hour or so, hoping to get some more sleep, but it wasn't happening. I was too wired. Then there was the thought of food. O no. Orla had bought some of the "safe" foods that are on my daily menu. That was so sweet. But nothing is the same as back at home. The food is obviously going to be different. The muesli is different, the yogurt is different, the bread is different (I've always preffered Dutch bread to Irish, so I'm glad of that), the potatoes and sausages are different. Even the fruit. But what did I expect? I thought that if I knew I had all the food waiting for me, I would feel safe because I would always be able to fall back on that. But it was all different, so nothing was safe, so my safety-net wasn't there to catch me, should I fall. It was different. The calories, the texture.. everything. So it didn't make me feel safe at all.

As I said earlier on, I underestimated the effect having to eat different food would have on me. Every meal is like a challenge. It's different and it therefore makes me feel different. It's like I'm being introduced to different foods at every moment, which is hard to deal with. Along with trying to get through this, there's this whole different environment I'm in and I'm around different people too. There's a different buzz around me, a different kind of pressure and there are different things being expected from me.

I know Emma, Orla and Sean don't expect anything from me. But I might expect things from myself. The last time I was in Holland, I was a mess, but I was still full of life and I tried to the busy and the funny one.. the one who partied and who met up with friends all over the country. The one who could go for days without having a proper meal and the one who could drink like a fish even when weighing 36 kilo's.

It's not that weird that all this is coming back to haunt me and of course the memories that are returning, whilst being here in Axel, are going to have some effect on me and take their toll. I've never been in Orla's house without trying to starve myself. I would always stare at all the food she has in the cupboard underneath the stairs, I would drool but I'd NEVER touch it. Now, it's all so different. I think it's only normal that I'm worried my old habits might try to slip in. But they haven't. They just simply can't. For keeping the old habits out, I'm loosing some control and with that I'm loosing energy, so I'm not my usual chirpy self.. It's either old habits or lifeless and quiet this weekend..and it's wise to go with the latter.

Yesterday morning, I had yogurt with muesli. I wasn't sure of the portion size and I wasn't sure of the amount of yogurt to have. I didn't know if it was the same amount as I would usually have. The texture of the muesli is different aswell so I didn't know how many spoonfulls to have. I couldn't judge it properly. I missed my own breakfast so much. But I wasn't going to let it get me down. Anna wasn't allowed to take control. She didn't. I had my breakfast, no knowing if it was enough. Because when I usually have my breakfast, I scrape the bowl, even if I'm already stuffed after the first two mouthfuls. That's what I have to do, because I can't trust my head telling me to have more or less. I just eat the same amount every morning. Yesterday I ate what I guessed was the same portion-size and I wanted to forget about it and not dwell on it being right or wrong. I told myself there'll be so many more breakfasts waiting for me back at home, this one day of missing it so much, isn't going to kill me.

I went back to bed by 10 o'clock. I had only been up for 2 hours. But I needed silence around me. I didn't want to smile when others were smiling. I didn't have the energy. I wasn't able to be happy and as enthusiastic as I would have wanted to be. It just wasn't in there.. no matter how much food I ate, I was still feeling nothingness. I didn't want to think about the next hours or days. I just wanted to lie in bed and be alone and let myself feel awful if that's the way I was feeling.

That's what I did.. I went back to bed for 2 hours and that's where I wanted to stay, but I had to get up to eat again. My stomach was finally starting to rumble. I went downstairs, had 2 slices of toast with a vegetarian sausage. It was okay, but again, it was different, so I was never going to fully enjoy it. I didn't know what was in it, and I didn't know if it was good for me or not.. I had my supplement drink and went back to bed again, for another few hours.

I lay there, and felt like I was going to crumble. Whenever I would just think and daydream, I wouldn't feel the pain. But then I would ask myself.. Can I meet up with my mates? And my body would literally start screaming.. it was it's way of letting me know that it's not going to happen.. NO WAY!! I was throbbing from head to toe, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was so awake and sometimes fuzzy but my body was asleep. Once I got up and slowly moved around the house, I was feeling okay again.. Recovering is up and down.. all the time..