Ireland to Holland

It's Saturday morning, and I'm in Holland, at Orla's house. I haven't had a chance or the energy to get on the computer, since I arrived, even though I've only been here since Thursday night. For some reason it feels like I've been here forever. Not sure if that's good or bad. But I'm finally able to sit down and I'm not leaving this computer until it's all out. It feels like there's so much.

The journey, on Thursday went okay. I was dreading it, to begin with. The flight was at 16.40, so we left the house at around 13.30. The airport in Dublin, was probably the worst part of the day. Everybody who has once flown with Ryan Air, from Dublin Airport to whatever destination in Europe, knows that there's miles to walk before you finally get to the gate. Well, Thursday it wasn't any different. It was the only main struggle I had. The check-in and getting through the hussle and bustle at security, was okay. Then the walk started..

Everybody was dashing past me, rushing and running. There were crowds of people and groups and noise. Sean was doing his best not to walk at his normal pace with his long legs.. I wanted to be able to keep up with him, but I just couldn't. I stuck close to the wall, just so the people wouldn't knock me down in their haste. God, I wanted so badly to be able to walk at a normal speed. I felt like an 80 year-old. I saw these car things, with people who weren't able to walk long distances being driven to the gates.. That would have been more up my alley. But I would never have let myself go through with it. I'd be far too subborn to admit that I wasn't really physically able to walk that distance. I realized this, when it was too late and when I was that slow that I actually nearly stopped all together. Poor Sean must have been so embarressed.

We made it to the gates anyhow. That's when I realized that I didn't have enough to eat. It was nearly 4 o'clock and I had eaten my breakfast, a slice of toast, a bowl of fruit and a supplement drink. It was 2 o'clock when ate last. It suddenly dawned on me that it wouldn't be until after 9 o'clock tonight before I'd be able to eat anything. My supplements were in the luggage that we had checked-in. So now.. what was I going to do? If there was any day that I needed to eat at least everything on my food-plan, and possibly more, then it was a day like today. But instead I was going hungry and I was making the journey a little bit more challenging. My energy was low, from all the walking anyhow, even if I would have had enough to eat.. Damn..

In the back of my mind, when I was thinking about food, before leaving home, of course I knew that I should have brought more with me, in my hand luggage. But it made me feel good, I suppose, if I'd have been able to make it through to Axel, without eating.

So we were at the gate, and I started to slightly panic. I asked Sean to go to one of the shops, to buy me a muesli or a granola bar or something of the sort. But they didn't have any, so he bought himself a chocolate bar instead.. how thoughtful..
I didn't have a drink either. Sean had some 7-up zero. I had two mouthfuls, and he looked at me. I snapped asking what the problem was..: "I'm shocked that you're drinking that..".. O no.. What had I done..? He was right, how could I drink something fizzy..I should have gotten a bottle of water, but it was too far to walk, I didn't have enough time either, because the flight was about to board.. Niamh, so bad and so unprepared. How hard can life be, when you don't eat food that hasn't been prepared by yourself and that you don't eat anything without studying the wrapper first.. You can't do that in public. I never realized, I had forgotten and I had underestimated the power Anna would have over, when being under stress and pressure.

To put a little bit more strain on myself, we went to stand in line, 10 minutes before we were due to board. Big mistake. I shouldn't have stayed sitting down. But, oh no, Niamh not wanting to show her weakness, she stayed standing for the remaining 20 minutes (the flight was slightly late boarding..as usual). I wanted to fall down in a heap at one stage. I could feel so many parts of me, starting to ache, even my insides, my ribs and my back. I had shooting pains inside and my legs were weak. I couldn't let myself sit down. I don't know why. Sean kept on asking me if I was okay, and telling me to sit. But I wouldn't listen. Stupid really.. I couldn't speak either, me and Sean just stood their in silence and I felt like heap of **** If he would have asked me how I was, I would have cried, so I'm glad he kept quiet..

It was time to board the plane, and we had to walk out into the cold and the wind. It took forever, or so it felt, before I was inside the plane. Standing in line, and waiting to climb up the stairs, that was the moment I asked myself.. "What the hell am I doing?". It stood there, outside the terminal, and all I wanted to do was click my fingers and be back in my bed in Arklow, in my comfort zone, with food and warmth and my dvds and my books. I really didn't want to get on that ******* plane. Why was I putting myself through this? I was only half way there, and already feeling awful, and for what? I didn't really know..

I was still silent, and Sean knew not to speak to me. He picked up on it and was so good. Bless him. On the plane I was so happy to sit down and just do nothing. Then all the annoying airhostesses were running around for the whole 1 hour and 20 minutes, trying to sell as much as possible and playing silly jingels: "Fly Ryan Air, fly fly Ryan Air, we'll take you there..".. O please stop!!! But it didn't. All the noise and the talking and the tormenting went on for the rest of the flight. Switch off Niamh.. Don't let it get you down.

My hunger had left me, my enemy or my friend, or whoever it was at the moment in time, I don't know, but it had gone. But I still knew I had to eat something. The only thing on the menu that was slightly "safe" was a muesli bar. To my horro, it was 104 calories AND with a chocolate coating. There were 2 in a packet, but that would mean 208 calories.. too much. I couldn't have them both. Sean didn't want to help me eat it, but I told him I'd be throwing it away otherwise. That made him have it. Just as well, because I wouldn't have been able to resist it the other bar and I would have felt so awful for having 208 calories of s**** put into me.. I hadn't had any protein or carbs today and I was feeling empty, but not hungry. There's a difference, and it's hard to describe.

Giving out about how awful the journey was, doesn't mean I hated being on the plane. Because it was probably the thing that saved me from falling down in a heap. I was able to shut off all the comotion around me, and regain my energy to get through the next part of the journey. I had a window seat and the sun had just set, the weather was clear, so there was a beautiful skyline. We were flying south, so out of the window where I was sitting, I could see the brightness on the horizon, to the west. The direction of America. If the plane were to be heading in that direction, the sky would get brighter and brighter. How amazing is that? It was beautiful.. All is okay, and there's a bed waiting for me on the otherside.. I'll be fine.

Towards the end of the flight I was able to talk again. He picked up on it, and I was feeling stronger again. But I still couldn't stop thinking about my bed back in Arklow. Then I thought..I'll have to start thinking about what bed it is I'll be sleeping in tonight..just to mentally prepare myself. Emma came to collect us in Brussels and I would be staying in Orla's over the weekend. That's fine, because she has the attick, with a telly and sofa bed (which will be my bed), and I can get away from everything whenever I want.

In the car from the airport to Axel, I had one of my drinks and I had another once I was at Orla's house. I wasn't hungry at all. It was a different feeling.. Lifeless and empty but no stomach rumbles.. I kept on thinking about the next day, and about food.. but what food? It wouldn't be the same and it scared me..