Brewing Optimism

I have constantly asked myself the same question over and over again, which is: Why did this happen? I'm sick of asking myself this and to be honest, it's not really relevant. It was meant to happen.

Even so, I still I asked myself.. How did I grow to hate myself so much that I didn't feel I deserved food? But after a lot of thinking and certain things Diann said this week, shows me the irrelevance of it and there isn't a simple answer.

Years ago, I was confident and I didn't hate myself. The hatred and low self-esteem just gradually creeps in, without knowing the depth of it. It's the nature of the anorexia that got a hold on me and gradually made me believe that I didn't NEED food, whether I thought I either did or didn't deserve it was a different issue. I become to believe I was invincible and it grew stronger and stronger, with my confidence still intact and growing for all the wrong reasons. I was loving myself whilst losing weight and feeling good because I was skinny.

Once I started to dig deeper, it's only then that I realized my confidence had gone. It's only then that I saw realize I didn't feel I deserved food. It started out so innocent and lead to something so major.

Getting to the core of the problem, what might have influenced it together with my personality and character traits as well as seeing why and how it effected my life and how I can benefit from it in the future, is far more important. The feelings that come along with the illness are normal. The self-loathe, guilt, self-destruction and feeling of worthlessness, is normal. It wasn't intentional and it didn't mean that this is me as person and it didn't mean that I used to always hate myself. When I'm totally over this, I'll have regained my confidence and I'll have learned to love myself again, unconditionally. I'll have confidence because of who I am and not because of how much I weigh or how much I've achieved in life. The guilt will become less and less and I'll soon be able to say how I feel, what I think and be able to take compliments onboard. Recovering from any illness requires going through certain stages, it comes with it so I shouldn't analyze it or worry about it. It's all starting to come good.

Interacting here at home, has been so hard for me, since the beginning of this period. Saying what I think and feel and talking openly was strictly forbidden. For weeks and weeks I was only allowed to talk about myself and Anna, to Diann. It's still so hard. I daren't pass comments on how I'm feeling or how my day is going. I can't say what I want to do or where I'd love to go. It's all up inside my head, but I can't say them outloud yet. . I feel that if I do, then I'll have to speed things along even faster and I'll end up forcing myself to get back to living a normal life. It's the guilt as well that kicks in and that tries to convince me I'm not allowed to feel so good and if I do let myself feel so good then I should be working. I feel then start to feel that I'm better and recovered and I suddenly can't see what I'm making such a big deal about.

It can put me a bad mood, when there so much good moods around me. I know this is Anna trying to control me and sometimes I don't have the energy be in a good mood in order to NOT give into to her grumpiness. That's when she may take over. If it gets too much for me and I'm overwhelmed with "goodness" and I DON'T want to be grumpy, which I know is how I'll feel if I'm interacting and laughing too much, then I have to step back and isolate myself. I have to get away from people, it's like a "time-out". Then everything calms down again on the inside. The guilt leaves and I'm doing good by Fay because I'm resting. In a way, Anna can force to step back, when it comes to opening up and saying how I'm doing from day to day, but that can be good too, because it also forces me to keep on pacing myself and reminding myself why I'm still not working and why it's still vital for me to concentrate on just being myself, taking it easy and not getting ahead of things.

The optimism is all there, up inside my head, but I can't yet act on it. I'm only allowed to act on it through writing and talking to Diann. But, that's as far as it goes, for now. I have to be fine with it, and tell myself that it's part of the recovery.
Time will show me that the guilt will start to vanish and that I'm still capable of opening up and telling people how I feel.

This can all be so repetitive...As I started to write this post, I started with the same old question.."Why did this happen to me?".. Repeating over and over.. I feel that I constantly go over the same things, day in day out. But I have to. The more I repeat it all, the clearer it becomes, which each analysis (it sounds like I'm doing research or something..) That must be how therapy works: Taking every reaction to daily life and every feeling that comes along with on board and analyzing it again and again while trying to make sense of it all and seeing how it fits in to the process of recovering. Everyday looking for signs and answers hoping that they will lead you to where you're going. Seeing that's there so much more meaning to the tiny little things that makes you the person you are. Is that what therapy is all about?

Well, if it is, then I love it so much.. I love the reflecting, I love the discovering, I love learning about myself. I love that the more I learn, the more I'll be able to benefit from this, for the rest of my life. I gives me sense of control, in a strange way..
Diann said to me on Tuesday night, that people recovering can take different things from the whole process. It all depends on the person, their age and their background, I suppose. Someone can choose to get back on track with food, to put on weight and that'd be it. She said that it's so much more than that and I'm doing everything I can to get as much out of all this as possible. I'm embracing it all and I'm happy doing so.. I'm needing to do this to live the life I want so badly and to touch peoples lives. I will trust myself and my judgment and I'll have foundation from which the people around me, can benefit. These were Diann's words.. Not mine, but I can see what she means..
Feeling so upbeat about it all can feel so bad. But it isn't stopping me from thinking this way. It's happening without force, so it should be the right thing..