Monday was Fun-day

A touch of spirituality..
I was still talking to Diann, on Tuesday evening. This gets spiritual, so if you're not into that side of things..maybe it's best you skip it..

I started analyzing last Monday afternoon as I sat with Diann on Tuesday evening. I lay in bed, yet again, for an hour or so. I was going over everything in my head. The reasons why this has happened and things in my past. I was basically completing the circle. More came to the surface again. I remember around 2 months ago, when I started to get stronger and started to slowly rise above Anna, I then looked back to when I was at my all-time low. I could see the progress and I started to wonder how on earth it was possible for me to go from making myself as ill as possible to taking everything little bit of strength I had and turning it around to make myself better, without wanting any of it. People say that when you are struck with an illness, they start to believe in God and they see the light. People can turn religious because they might not have any other answer as to why and how they were given a second chance at life. I can totally relate to this. I'm not a religious person. But 2 months ago I suddenly knew that there had to be so much more, for me to have been able to turn everything around so drastically. So I started thinking, maybe I do believe in God. I started doubting myself and even felt like a hypocrite. But only the past few weeks, I've come to the conclusion, that I don't believe but I DO know there is more.. A person can be spiritual without it having anything to do with religion. They are 2 separate things. Being spiritual is just knowing that there's more to life than was we occupy ourselves with from day to day and it's knowing you are the person that has the power to either use it or not. I've been having so much strange experiences and feelings.. feelings that I never knew were possible to feel. Certain things were happening to me, before I even knew there was a meaning to them..Mostly whilst curled up in a ball, crying and wishing for everything to end.

I read somewhere once that anorexia doesn't only effect you mentally and physically and emotionally. But it also effects you spiritually. If a person is suffering from anorexia and aims to fully recover in order to live the life they have dreamed about, they have to get the strength from somewhere. Initially it hasn't got anything to do physical strength. Somehow, somewhere, something has got to click inside of you, to be able to take charge and make the change, no matter how suicidal you can be. Sean said to me a few weeks ago.."Niamh, don't go telling me now, that God is going to save you". He meant this as a joke. I didn't really answer, because I couldn't say yes or no. But the comment stuck in my head, and I slowly saw that, it isn't God but it's me.. It's me that has saved me.. or some may call it, the soul.

As I lay in bed on Monday afternoon, this is what I came to realize. There was so much going on in my head, so much good things, that I was having trouble keeping up the pace. But at the same time, everything made sense. For example.. I could see why I was attracted to certain types of people when I was traveling. I also remembered being told on several occasions that I've got "spiritual potential", or that I've a "paranormal gift" or that I've got healing hands. I remembered being told that I'm spiritual in a way that my intuition is so strong that if I learn to listen to it, it will get me to where I need to be going. I could see how certain interests fitted into the picture, such as yoga and meditation and even certain countries I dream of visiting, like India. The tattoo I got last year in Australia suddenly had so much more meaning.. It means "journey of the soul".. When I was talking to Diann yesterday, she had already mentioned that my soul is on a journey..It's not the kind that involves planes, trains and automobiles..but still a journey.. She said it before I told her that I got a tattoo with the same meaning. That was a small freaky moment...
Everything fitted so well.

I said to Diann yesterday that over the past weeks I've felt like something big is about to happen. I've had this uneasy feeling that I should start doing something. But have I been doing anything? No. I've been doing nothing except putting the pieces of my puzzle together inside my head. Diann said.."Right now, Niamh, something big is already happening and every week as you come to realize a little more, you're also testing yourself and becoming stronger". I keep on thinking that it's all going to stop. Every week after a session, I always think "that's it, there's nothing more to reveal or to figure out". I can never imagine how much more is going to happen. But It's an ongoing process I'm going through, without being fully aware of it. I told Diann that I've even been feeling sad thinking about when this is over, how much I'm going to miss the amazing feelings I've had over the past month. The feelings of freedom and realization whilst learning so much about myself. The feeling of being so happy and knowing that everything is well, while still being as low and depressed as a person can be. Me missing those moments, would be a reason for me to press pause, so I can savour the them a little bit longer. But I don't need to because these moments have happened and they've shown me the strength I'll use later on in life, as the journey will constantly be evolving and my mind is always changing but my soul stays the same.

It's still Monday afternoon, still in my bed. I was so content and so excited by all the clearness in my head. If somebody would have been looking in through the window, I would have looked lonely and at ease or maybe even bored. But I was everything BUT lonely or bored. I was ecstatic. I lay there and just wanted to hug the world and tell life how much I loved it. I had a massive big smile on my face and I knew that I was happy. It's like if you relieve yourself of the daily thoughts and worries and realize for the first time that there's that special place inside of you. It's like a spot in your tummy, It's there and it will always be. I've felt it, It's mine and it's safe. No illness can ever take that away from me. I then also knew that being happy is a state of being. It doesn't matter what you surround yourself by. Diann said to me yesterday, that I am a happy person even in my darkest hours. It's about embracing the what life throws at you and getting the most out of everything. I don't have to stop this process because it will continue to evolve. To name the process would probably be to say...Becoming aware of "journey of the soul"

I opened my eyes and I couldn't believe how happy I was. Sometimes trying to explain certain things can be so hard, that words are never enough. You'd almost need special vocabulary to make the experience more significant. I got up out of bed, went downstairs, put some potatoes in the oven all the while thinking of how reassured I was and happy to know that I can go to that certain place inside me, whenever I want. I now know it's there and it was so overwhelming.. as Diann said yesterday.."There's nothing more I can say Niamh, you're saying and doing it all"..

When I left the session, I almost felt like the concluding chapter to everything had been opened..and I was also left feeling that there can't possibly be more that will come to light.. It was a nice light feeling and Diann then joked: "I wish I would have recorded these sessions"..