I am here, I am present

It's Saturday afternoon. This morning I woke up, after having 2 glasses of wine last night, for the first time in ages.
I was expecting to feel awful, but I wasn't. I wasn't feeling guilty, I didn't stop eating, I didn't have a headache. I wasn't worrying about the empty calories. I just needed to start my breakfast and keep eating what I had to, the whole day through.

Tonight is Eileen's 21st birthday party. She's been planning this night, for months and months. Emma and Orla have come over especially for it. I've been pacing myself all day and nearly been afraid to over-exert myself in any way, shape or form. I've been telling myself, to be "present" about everything that's going on.. Just the way Diann told me I had to deal with the lasagna...Don't over-analyze it, just let it happen and try not to predict the future by worrying. Which is exactly what "worrying" is doing.

I've been feeling lightheaded and dizzy at times and have had a constant pressure in my forehead. It might be stress, but I've haven't been doing anything to cause stress. Maybe it's just having the excitement around me and having things happening that's causing pressure. I've been afraid of triggering Anna or upsetting myself or overwhelming myself, by doing things.

Everyone has been running around all afternoon organizing the last little things, the food, the decorations, the outfits, and I have literally just sat back and let it all happen around me. I haven't even tried to help out. I would have loved to, but I couldn't. The pressure in my forehead would just make me feel physically ill if I would have done. I had moments of sadness, because I wasn't able to do my bit, not that I felt guilty, but because I wanted to, but I couldn't. If I were to go over all that sadness in my head, I would only have brought my mood down, and that I have to avoid. Everyone around understands why I am the way I am, this weekend. I know they don't mind. But it can feel awful that I'm not able.

The thoughts of the party are making me anxious.. there I go, worrying again..but I can't help it. I want to be able to dance, but I know I won't be able to cope with it. Tonight will be the first time since May that I'll have properly gone on a night out. What if I overdo it? What if I eat too much of the food? What if I drink too much and set myself up for a restricted day tomorrow and ruin the whole weekend by being in an awful doom and gloom depressed state of mind? I don't want to, because I love having Emma and Orla here.

What if.. what if.. what if.. There's really no point in talking all these things into my head, because I'm making a big deal for no apparent reason at all. I suppose I should be just happy to be here for the party..even though I would have loved so much for me to be cured and full of energy and really looking forward to it all.. Because I'm not looking forward to it.. just thinking of it, is giving me headache.. It could have all been so different.. It would probably all have been so much worse. So I'm not going to go there, I'm not going to think about it. I might have to lie down, just for an hour or so, before getting ready and eating..