Friday was My-day

Finally.. It's Wednesday night and my week is slightly muddled. I went to Diann last night instead of Monday morning. This afternoon I went to acupuncture, so it seemed to take me forever to get around to going through everything that came up at last nights session. It was already session number 17. Can't believe it's been so long. Time is flying, but then again, I feel like I am too.. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. Overwhelming more times than not. But flying is a better way to be than diving I suppose.

As usual I don't know where or how to start. The past week has been emotional. For days, after writing the letter to Anna, I cried.. Thankfully I started to settle down by the end of the week. My head wasn't fuzzy or hazzy. Everything has seemed so clear and everything felt so fine. I was eating everything and had 2 days that I needed to eat whenever I was hungry. I did it, without any troubles. I didn't feel too guilty either. All good signs I suppose. So much clarity in my head and yet it feels so bad to say it all outloud and to admit to how well everything is going in my own small small world.

I had everything mapped out, my whole life, my past and my present all clicked together. But then I sat there last night and everything was blocked. Right up until I was at her front door, everything seemed so fine. I had just heard some great songs on the radio and I wanted to dance and feel great about just being alive and getting through this.. But it was suddenly too much happiness in my head and it must have blown me away. Because 5 minutes later, I wanted to tell Diann and Mam everything, I wanted to say it outloud, I wanted to admit it and most of all I wanted all my clarity to be true.. But Anna must have blocked everything. I tried to explain everything but I wasn't making any sense at all. It brought me to tears, so frustrating. So Diann asked: "What's happening Niamh?".. my answer: "it's all blocked".

Stepping back and doing my utmost best to get everything out that I had realized during the week..
Friday afternoon I went to bed for an hour. I was just dozing and daydreaming.. Something I've become very good at the past months. A time-out.. to reflect, I suppose. The heartbreak I was felt on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday had eased. Friday I was on top of things again and once I started to think things over, I was no longer scared of living a life without Anna. Diann said a few weeks ago that it's good to occasionally think about what it is in life that you value. Well, to be honest, when she first started talking to me about values, it went in one ear and out the other. I didn't really think about what she meant by them. First of all.. What does it really mean..a value? After a little research.. Values are what you can live by..things you cherish and they represent your highest priority in life. Your values are made up of everything that has happened to you a person in life and include influences from parents, family, friends and education, books... So what are mine? Well, mine are family, friends, honesty, respect, freedom, creativity and independence. Figuring this out, made everything seem so logical and clear. I realized that if I start to live my life, according to these values, then that will only support my recovery and prevent relapses and get my life back.. Right?

Example..

RESPECT. I think it's important to have respect for other people, for what they believe in and what they stand for. But with respect also comes self-respect. So this means I should live my life, not only respecting others, but also myself. I have to honour myself and not treat myself so badly. I shouldn't want the worst for me and the best for the rest of the world, I should feel I deserve to feel good, happy and healthy. Not having any self-respect, lead me to me where I am. So if I turn it around, then I can use it the right way.

INDEPENDENCE.. Anna took this away from me and made me feel helpless and like a child again. But if I want to be independent, I can only live my accordingly, without Anna..

FREEDOM.. Anna has shown how much I should have appreciated the feeling of being free when I had it, but she'll has also make me appreciate it more, once I get it back again. I'm not only talking about freedom to travel. But I mean freedom in every sense of the word. A free soul, without restrictions, open to everything and wanting to obsorb as much experiences as life has.

FAMILY and FRIENDS.. When I look back over the past year, it just kills me so much, to remember how my friends and family would be so concerned for me. They would mention my weight, but I had all my stories and lies all lined up, so nobody would suspect a thing. It kills me but it also overwhelms me, that they could see that something was wrong and that I wasn't my usual self. It shows just how well they all know me and how much they care.. The past weeks I've constantly been having visions of an event that took place at the end of March..when my little niece Enya was born. I can still see my sister Orla sitting in the hospital bed, holding Enya. I remember how proud I was of Orla, my sister and her first child and the memory of having seen it with my own eyes, can still bring me to tears. It kept on coming back to me. Back then I was being controlled by Anna. This makes me feel so awful, because it meant that I wasn't able to be totally free in telling and expressing how proud of was of what my sister had just gone through. It was such a major event in her life, and I feel so bad for Anna having taken away a part of me, that would have wanted to so much more present..
Anna had me isolated and stopped me from being and feeling what I would usually feel. I hate her for it, because she took away some precious moments that could have been so different, had I been controlled by Fay. For my friends and family to have seen me the way I was and for them to have known there was something wrong..I can't imagine how awful it must have been.
When I first got back from traveling, Orla knew there was something wrong, but I didn't see or feel it. Orla only told me this, back in June, when I had owned up to not eating properly.. She told me that, back in November of last year, she said to Mam that something was wrong, that it was like something had come between us. Again, it pains me so much to see now, that I became a different person..because of food. If I love my family and friends as I say I do, and if the overwhelming feelings of love I've been getting for everyone close to me are anything to go by, then staying on top of Anna, should be so rewarding..

But saying that, just the fact that I'm getting my life back, is the reward in itself. Because I am. I can feel it so much. I know exactly where I am right now, I know where I've come from and I know where I'm going.. I can see myself standing in a kind of "3-dimensional diagram". The left-handside is Anna, the right-handside is Fay. I used to think Anna was good and Fay was bad. I was living according to Anna and this felt good. I was leaning to the left. But then everything had to be switched around.. I needed to do a 180, in order to regain my health. I had to start seeing Anna as bad and Fay as good. I did this. I started leaning to the right. But not only did I have to readjust my thinking, I also had to readjust my feeling. So Anna I started to see as bad, but living by her rules still felt good. I have changed that. I would feel physically and mentally distraught if I were to live by her rules again. It wouldn't feel good anymore so therefore Anna has bad rules and it feels awful to live by them. I know Fay is good, and I live according to her rules, 95% of the time. But it doesn't always feel good when I'm doing so. Probably 60% of the time, it feels good. There's such a huge difference between knowing what's good and feeling that it's good. Example: If I'm living according to Fay, I'm rested and chilled which feels good physically but mentally it can feel awful. But that's fine. I know what I have to do..I have to aim for living by her rules 100% of the time and and aim for it to feel good 100% of the time. It sounds confusing, but I can see exactly how it was, and how it is, and how it should be. That in itself is a revelation.
I can live with the guilt, I can be aware of feeling awful when I eat things I think are bad for me. I can feel awful when I'm laughing or talking and feeling recovered. I know Anna is there, but I'm not letting her control anymore. I know why she causes the guilt..because she can't stand the fact that she doesn't control my food-intake anymore. It makes her mad, but that's inside, she no longer stronger than Fay. So Fay rules.

In my head, everything fits together... All this, was only part of what I'd come to realize, as I lay in my bed for an hour and half on Friday afternoon.. I felt so good about it all even though it was and is so hard to describe the puzzle coming together. I struggled so much, trying to say it all and make sense of it again. But the main thing is that it's clear to me.. I went from analyzing my Friday afternoon to analyzing my Monday afternoon..