Tuesday 04-11-08

Yesterday afternoon, Monday, I was trying to figure out what food I wanted. I told myself that I was only going to eat whatever it was I was craving. And I did. It was around 2 in the afternoon and I was really hungry, and all I could think about was fruit and milk or yogurt or fruit juice or something diary. I knew I was allowed to have anything I wanted, because Diann told me to act on my hunger, and eat whatever it is I felt like. And I'm not joking when I say that I craved fruit and milk.

I had already had a yogurt for breakfast and fruit juice, as well as my supplement drink which is in yogurt form as well. But I still wanted more. I didn't want a bread roll, I didn't want smoked salmon, I didn't want a pancake, I didn't want a crisp sandwich and I had already eaten a slice of toast which had cured that craving. Anna wasn't telling me not to eat all these delicious foods. But I was really wanting more juice and more yogurt. But I knew I had to have carbs, or else I'd feel weak and queasy. So I made rice pudding. I got a normal portion of steamed brown rice, with an apple, soya milk and prunes and I blended it all together. It wasn't a drink but like a dessert, without the sweetness. I had half of it and was full. I had cured my craving and I didn't feel guilty about having what it is I wanted.

After that, I told myself that I was going to continue the day, curing my cravings and not eating just for the sake of it. But only eating to train the tastebuds. I then wanted something salty for dinner.. I had tuna with noodles and vegetables with some chili and soya sauce. It was delicious. After dinner I didn't feel like I wanted more. I had had enough. On other days, I would usually keep on wanting more and more, even when I'm full and can hardly breathe. But yesterday I didn't want more. I was so aware and switched on that I knew I wasn't restricting myself. l felt good about that, and I didn't feel guilty for eating my dinner and enjoying it. A few hours later, I had a muesli bar and I didn't have a biscuit. It wasn't because I didn't want the calories, it was because I just wasn't craving one. So I wasn't restricting myself. It was the first night since last Thursday that I wasn't starving at 9 or 10 o'clock at night. I was fine because there wasn't a battle going on whether to eat or to let myself feel hungry. I was full and satisfied which was a nice feeling. It's good to know that I won't be constantly wanting to eat and therefore constantly feeling fat and like a pig...this is how I've been feeling most nights over the past weeks.

So what am I doing today..food-wise? I'm just sticking to my normal food-plan. I don't want to overdo it, and feel too strong about eating whatever I want. Because having one good day, without wanting to binge, doesn't mean to say that the next will be the same. I'm just trying to be careful, that's all.

I keep on asking myself, just because I'm not eating chips, fry-ups and pizza's..am I giving in to Anna? No, I don't think I am. The other day, Eileen made a fry-up, for her and Sean..sausages, eggs, pudding, beans, rashers..everything. I knew I could have had some if I wanted. Usually I wouldn't even considered having some, because of the calories. But, during the week, I did consider it, and it just didn't appeal to me.. I didn't see why I should eat, just because I can.. I wouldn't have felt good about, and I wouldn't have enjoyed it that much either..

Maybe now is the time for me to start asking myself, whenever I say no to food, who is behind it..? What's the reason for me saying no..? Is it because of the calories? Is it because I'm full? Is it because I don't enjoy a certain food? Is it because I'm not being active and therefore don't deserve it? If I can give an honest answer to these questions then I'll soon know the reason for me not eating it.. And the reason I didn't have a fry-up, was because I wouldn't have enjoyed it. So what's the point? If I'm going to enjoy something else more, then why can't I just have that, and not feel like Anna is behind it?

I guess the whole issue is that I can't really remember what food it is I used to eat and enjoy the most. But I suppose it's not about going back to eating the same food as I did years ago.. Tastes change.. I'm probably just starting to figure out, the food I now enjoy the most and the food I want.. It's not a question of what foods I'm allowed and what foods I'm not.. because I'm allowed to eat whatever I like, just like everyone else.. I know that now.
It will take time for me to feel confident with the decisions I make when it comes to food. If I'm aware of the reasons, then I should be able to deal with it.. Right, enough of the food-analyzing for now..

I'm not tired today at all. I've rested so much over the past few days, the walking around the house, doesn't feel like I'm running a marathon. Which is nice and tells me that I'm doing well, as I learn to listen and do what's right by my pyschical self. Tonight I'm going to see Diann and tomorrow it's acupuncture time again.
So I'll be signing off for now..