Boxing Day

On Christmas day, after dinner and after a nap I was drinking. I had a glass of rose wine and then I lost count of the amount of whiskeys I had. I had 1 chocolate sweet as well. We started playing cards and it was great. I had fun and we all had a great laugh and I ended up getting slightly tipsy. I wasn't drunk but I was feeling the effects of the alcohol.

I don't know why I decided to let myself get like that. Maybe because I wanted to. Maybe because it would be easier for me to have a laugh and forget about Anna for a few hours. It would bring down the barriers and let me have fun and even eat whatever I wanted. But I didn't eat, only that one piece of chocolate. That's all. But on Christmas Eve the barriers were up, big time. I wanted to have a glass of wine and I wanted to have some chocolate, but I couldn't let myself because I didn't want it to ruin Christmas day by letting myself loose. So that's why I let myself have the alcohol on Christmas day instead. I didn't want to think about what it might be doing to me, what abuse I was putting my body through or how it might effect my mood and head the following day.

I was living for the moment and I didn't really care. It was the first time I had let myself drink so much, since Enya's christening, back in June. For months I wouldn't let myself, but not matter how long it's been since I've had a drink (I'm making myself sound like a recovering alcoholic, instead of a recovering anorexic..), that feeling of the room spinning will be something I'll never forget. I went to bed and that's how I felt. I remember my body feeling numb and it was like I was detached from it. My mind was floating above my body and I hated it. I know, nobody likes the room to spin when they've had too much to drink, but this was different. The whole feeling was different and I had lost control of absolutely everything. I felt intoxicated. I couldn't believe how different this drunken feeling felt, compared to a year ago. Maybe I was more aware of the effect, than I usually would do.

It's disgusting really.. What if I never want to feel like that again? Will that mean I'm restricting myself? Will that mean I don't want to enjoy myself anymore? Will that mean I just don't want to feel numb ever again by the effects heavy spirits have? How can I know if it's Anna or not? I'm not too sure, all I know is, I didn't like it and I don't want to feel like that any time soon. It's so strange, because alcohol has a weird place inside of me. I don't know what it is.. But there's something there, I'm just not too sure what it is.

So the next day, Boxing Day, started off not too bad. I lay in bed and thought about food and worried about the day that lay ahead. Was it going to be bad? Was I going to restrict myself? Was I going to feel like the scum of the earth? Was every noise around me going to be too much? What damage have I done to my recovery? Have I mucked it all up now? But if I wouldn't have had any alcohol the night before, I would have been in restraint.. so that wouldn't have been helping me either. It wouldn't have mattered what I would have done on Christmas Day..the aftermath of it all, wouldn't have been good either way. I needed that challenge. And I paid for it, BIG TIME..

I needed to start the day, even though I didn't want to. It all went downhill at high speed. Was it guilt? I don't know. Was it expectations and pressure? I don't know. Was I tired? I don't know. Was I punishing myself? Maybe. I had breakfast and everyone around was saying and doing all the wrong things. Every noise was too much and every remark I saw as a personal attack. I had so much anger inside, it was unreal. I hated absolutely everything in sight. I knew I needed to get away from everyone.

So I went back to bed, had a shower and wanted to have lunch at around 2. But that was a no-go. I will never know what came over me and I never want to feel that way, ever again. But I was ready to shoot everyone around me. I couldn't look at anyone to be honest. There were too many people around, too much noise and the space was just far too small. Anybody coming too close to me was enough to overwhelm me so much that if I hadn't acted as I did, people would be hating me for being the scum that I am. I left the kitchen and went back to bed, without eating. I can't explain what it was that I was overcome by, but I couldn't have lunch. The people around me were like strangers, observing me and looking and judging. It was just awful..

But I needed to eat. It was 2 or 3 o'clock and I had only had my yogurt and a banana smoothie.. I wanted to eat as much good foods today as possible to help my body get over the night before. But everyone around me was stopping me from eating. It was so unfair but yet so important for me to eat. But I just couldn't...

I didn't care anymore, bed was where I wanted to be and that's where I was going to stay. Everyone left me alone, thank god. But then.. everyone was going out to visit John and Ann. Mark and Gavin were there too and I really wanted to go out as well to see them. It had been 3 years since I seen them last and Mark has been one of my rocks through this whole ordeal, so I wanted to make an effort. It was on my mind, all afternoon.. I had decided not to go. And instantly that made me feel better. It felt like the right thing to do. The pressure was gone and my chest was relieved, I even felt it lift. My mind was made up. I was going to stay at home, and have some peace and quiet.

I got up, to have lunch, at around 4 o'clock. Maybe it would work this time round. And it did. Thank god, I was able to eat. That instantly made me feel better and I didn't have to worry about going to visit Mark and Gavin, I knew they'd understand if I wasn't feeling up to it. But because I was feeling better, I started to doubt myself instantly. Maybe I could go afterall. Maybe I'll be fine. But maybe I won't. Maybe it will do me some good, to get out of the house. But maybe it will only make things worse. Then I changed my mind and decided I'd be able to go afterall.

But the minute I'd made that decision, it was the wrong one. It was like I was having some sort of break down. It was unreal. But I'd gotten dressed so I had to. But then I thought..if this is such a huge decision, it should mean that it too much of big deal at the moment and too much for me to handle. I was stuck in the middle of going and staying. I didn't know what to do. And there was nobody who was going to tell me what was right for me at that moment. But I couldn't decide myself. I needed help, but there was nobody I would let myself reach out to.

I knew deep down, it wasn't good for me to go.. The pressure in my chest was just awful and aching and I couldn't stop crying. I was out of control and I couldn't look at myself. But it was almost as if I needed to go. I didn't know what was happening to myself. Nobody knew what was happening to me and how big this was for me. If they would have seen me they wouldn't have understood. What is a person to do when they feel so off the planet and at the same time, they need to make a decision whether to stay or to go? This was so so big.. I could compare it to how I was feeling that weekend I was in Holland. But this wasn't as drawn-out. This was an attack that only lasted a short while.

I kept on thinking about what Diann said to me. I can either do something to pick myself up, if I'm able, or give in to the feeling. I didn't have time to do anything but I still decided to pick myself up. It took every ounce of my strength to pull myself together and leave the house. I did it though and I'm still alive.

Looking back, I'm glad I did. I was able to be myself to a certain extent. But I felt so fragile and so distraught at the same time. I was in two worlds at once. Putting it into words, is so hard, but the thing that's felt the most, is paranoia and a warm glowing buzzing in my head. As long as I kept interacting, I was able to keep myself together. I wasn't allowed to drift, I wasn't allowed to zone-out, I wasn't allowed to say that I wasn't actually having a good day. If I did, I was a done for.

We were there for an hour or 2. Can't really remember. But it was great to see Mark. So for that reason I'm glad I was able to pick myself up, get my act together and go. Afterwards I was okay. But the noise was overbearing and I couldn't get away from it. It nearly caused another break down, but I wasn't going to give in. I just wasn't. I needed to eat and if I let my mood take it's course, I wouldn't have eaten..(I only had 2 slices of toast by the way, but it was only because it was too late to have anything heavy).

I was glad the day was finally over. One of the worst days I've had, in a long time. I seem to say that alot. But this really topped it all. I don't know why, I didn't like it, but I got through it. It's such a bummer when I go through these days because when I'm feeling good, I always think I'm nearly there. But the days like yesterday make me feel like it's never going to end and I often ask myself is all this grief really worth it? All this pain I'm putting myself through, just so I can live again. Is it all worth it? Usually I know the answer, but right now, I'm not too sure..