Hanging on

Saturday afternoon. This morning was another huge ordeal. When is it ever going to end? I don't think I have anymore tears to shed or pain to feel. I can't go through this anymore. It can't be right. It can't be good for me. It can't be doing me any favours, by being the way I am? Pushing myself, all the time. Wanting to do everything, but not being able to deal with anything.

I'm such a weak person. Why can't I do these things? I'm not even tired. If I was tired, that would make it so much easier, but I wasn't tired this morning and I felt like I was hanging-on for dear life. If I were to let myself slip, that would have been it.. Game over. Nothing left to gain, nothing left to loose. All over. And, this morning, I was wishing it was.

Last night, I went to bed, at 11 o'clock. Finally the day was over. Ma, Emma and Orla were going shopping this morning, at around 9 o'clock. I wasn't going to commit myself to anything. I would see how I felt, when the time came. I was awake this morning, from around 7. So I was up and eating by 8 and I wanted to go shopping. Or else I would have been stuck in the house the whole day and the thoughts of the walls coming in around me wasn't really that reassuring. I was feeling okay, so I went too.

But it wasn't the best thing for me to be doing..again. I don't know why. I cried and cried and didn't know what was going on with me, again. What was the big deal? Why was I breaking down? Why can't I cope with any of this? When is this going to end? But, like yesterday afternoon, I pulled myself together and went.

As soon as I admitted to Ma that I wasn't doing too well, it just got harder for me to keep it all together. But I did. This feeling, of hanging on for dear-life, had nothing to do with being tired, because I just wasn't. I know everyone was thinking this. Instead I was off the planet and was robbed of all my mental sanity and strength that a person needs to just deal with daily life..somthing every other person has 24-hours a day and don't even realize it and therefore take it for granted. I can not describe how much I would have appreciated to have had that back. That thing that I was missing this morning..Rational thoughts, sanity, positive vibes, laughs, adrenaline caused by shops.. just anything to give me a sign, no matter how small, that I was okay and that I would get through this.

Ma, Emma and Orla went clothes shopping. I went off on my own. I wanted to. The shops they were in, were too busy for me anyway. All I wanted to do was go to the book shop and look at books and choose out something. I wanted to buy a notebook and a nice pen. I walked around in a slight daze and just wanted to write. I needed it so badly. I wanted to put a pen to paper and get lost in whatever were to come out. I walked around thinking about this and I could actually feel that feeling it gives me, whenever I do that. I gives me more, than when I'm typing. It feels so free and yet it just something so plain and simple.. a pen and a notebook. Thinking of that feeling, while I was wandering around the shops, made me feel a little better. It was the little sign I needed that there was something there. I started to calm down. Now and again the pressure would come back in my chest or my heartbeat would flutter. But it was okay. If I either thought about pen and paper or kept engaging myself with the world, I could cope.

I didn't go to the bookshop, mainly because of the guys that work there.. They always see me coming..I'm always in there, at least once a week.. And I wasn't able to deal with feeling self-conscious and paranoid. I bought myself a ring instead. It was a Christmas present from Da. I was kind of feeling bad about buying it, didn't really deserve it and I didn't want others focusing on it too much. I couldn't say that I was happy I bought it. I am, but I'm not going to go on about it..

We stayed out for around 3 hours. Which was quite long. But I wasn't tired or wanting to fall down. So that was fine. Just before we were going home, I did start to get hungry so I came home and had lunch. I didn't really know what to have. I was trying to find out what I wanted. I was harder than usual. Lunchtime was never a huge problem. It was always dinnertime. But now it started at lunch. I suppose that's just the way it's supposed to be, for now.
So the day continues and I'm trying to pace myself. Not too sure how..but I'm trying..