My face

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't know who or what I see. I don't seem to recognise the person staring back at me. Sometimes I feel like a stranger, to myself. A person I don't know anymore. Somebody I thought I knew so well.I look and I get a shock or I have to do a double-take and ask myself.. is that really me? After doing a double-take, I seem to see the person I was a few years ago. My facial features as they always used to be, as they're meant to be and as they should forever stay. Not only that, but maybe a fresh and new person. I never feel like that on the inside, but on the outside that's what I can see.

A different face, it sometimes feels like. Sometimes I wake-up in the morning holding on to my chubby cheeks, for some strange reason. It feels like my face has changed so much and for me to feel fine with these changes that have been happening whether I like it or not in such a short space of time, I have to hold on to it. It might help me to come to terms with the fact that my cheeks will be chubby forever..the part of myself that I have always despised so much. It might start to feel like my own again and feel more familiar. Maybe by holding onto my cheeks I won't wake up one day and feel like a fatty, because of my face and my cheeks and if I can feel fine with it, it might stop me from trying to loose weight so my face will get smaller again.

I came across some photo's the other day from around 9 or 10 months ago. I honestly wouldn't recognize myself. The look I had, was so bad. Drained and pale, lifeless and old, tired and dead. No glow, no nothing. Not only that, but my wrinkles were bad and I looked older. My nose had a different shape and it stuck out like a sore thumb and that's something it's never done before.. My cheeks had disintegrated because of the weigtloss and my nose was therefore accentuated. Not a good thing, when I look back on it now.. because my nose isn't a great feature. But my cheeks aren't either. I don't want either of them..but there's not a lot I can do about that, unfortunately.

My eyes are smaller and they aren't my main feature anymore. No, now it's my fat cheeks that have taken over the show. How awful. Orla and Ma said the other day, that my eyes are greener and brighter than they used to be. I don't know the reason for that, or maybe I do but I don't really want to say it or admit it. It's too much effort at the moment.

People who I only know from the past year, might not recognize me. They might not want to know me anymore with this fat head of mine. How awful. But I know for anybody to think like that, would only mean that they really are very shallow. Do I really care to loose friendships because I've got a full face now? Would people care that I've put on weight and gotten disgusting? If they do, then I really don't want to know these people anymore. Because that just means that they value appearance more than health and happiness..

Me saying that, just shows how I used to look at myself. Nobody else probably looks at me in that way, only me. But I can't think for anybody else. I can't, no matter how much I'd love to have that ability. Or maybe I don't want to know what others think. No.. Because it really isn't important. I don't care anymore. All I know for certain is what that I can see what the food is doing to my face and I don't really like it. Unfortunately we weren't all blessed with pretty, slim and naturally healthy looking faces and bodies. Do I value that more than my life? I can't answer that at this moment.