Challenged yet again

It's Sunday afternoon. All over the place, or not. I don't know. The gang headed back to Holland this morning, after their 5 days here with us in Arklow. It was great to see them but I never imagined it would have been so hard. I could hardly keep track at one stage of what I was dealing with.. Was it food? Was it stress and pressure? Was it noise? Was it expectations? Was it the space? Was it alcohol? Was it guilt? What it was, from hour to the next I could probably recall, but I'm not going to.

Yesterday afternoon, after I spent some hours alone, going through everything I went to bed at around half 4. I forgot about what day it was, I forgot about the fact that it was still Christmas, I forgot about what I was expecting from myself. I needed to. My body wasn't heavy, tired or drained. It was mainly my head that was going mad. Little things around me were starting to freak me out and every comment that was made, I took personally. So I needed a time-out instead of forcing myself to listen to it all and bottle it all up for not wanting to upset anyone.

I would have loved to have stayed in bed for the night. But I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I hadn't made an effort to be around the little kiddies, as it was their last night. I had to get up aswell because I needed food. I didn't want to eat, but I had to. I had to switch off everything, I had to ignore every look, every gaze, every comment.. every paranoid inch of me had to turn a blind eye and I had to concentrate on making my dinner and eating it.

I considered not eating and just staying in bed as long as possible so it would have been too late to eat something proper. But I didn't. I needed some fish. I hadn't eaten any in 4 or 5 days and I was craving it all day. I could have gone without, but maybe then by missing dinner 2 days in a row, it would only make it harder for me to eat dinner the following day. How easy it would be, to slip back into not wanting dinners. So I got up at 7 in the evening and had some salmon and veg. I didn't have any rice, purely because it would have taken too long to cook and then I'd feel awful for eating even later than I already was. I ate what I had intended and I enjoyed. That was the main thing.

Then the thoughts of going to pub entered my head. I knew everyone wanted to and I would have loved to have gone out for a drink as well. Thankfully everyone decided not to, because they had to leave early this morning. Had they chosen to go to the pub, would have totally wrecked with my head. Because I wouldn't have been able to go, and would have felt bad for not making the effort and would have felt like I was missing out, as usual.. a feeling I have become extremely familiar with. Missing out, not only in the physical sense, but also in the mental sense. I've been missing out on so many things, even when I'm there in body. And it's makes me so sad and I don't want to feel like I'm missing things anymore because that causes the pressure inside to build and build.. But anyhow, last night, in a selfish way, I was glad they didn't go. I didn't have to miss out and I didn't have to be faced with the stress of it. I didn't have to make any major decisions, not like the day before. I don't think I would have been able to go through that again.

So, staying at home, was best. But then there was one more step I needed to take, no matter how big and how wrong it felt. I needed to do it, before going to bed. I had made some little "gestures" for Ma, Emma, Orla, Eileen and Sean. Just a small token of my appreciation for all they have done for me the past 6 months and to let them know how much they mean to me. But it took every fibre in my body, to be able to give it to them without feeling like shit. Deep down, I did.

Why? Because I was telling the people I love so dearly, just how important they are to me, as they stood before me. It was so strange and felt so wrong. But it was something I had decided to do, during the run-up to Christmas. I wanted this time of year, to be made extra special for us all and for them know that they're extra special. So I had to do it no matter how awful it made me feel. I was opening up to them all, not by means of post or email.. I had no computer screen to hide behind. I was more or less telling them as they each read their card. I putting myself on the line or that's what it felt like.

Why? Because I didn't know how it would make me feel. I didn't know if it would set me back and muck-up my head and cause me to feel ashamed. It was like I was taking a risk. To most people it might sound like the easiest thing to do. Why should it be a big deal, showing people you love them? What does it matter? Well, considering only a few months ago, I was hardly able to say how I was feeling about being myself, to anybody except Diann, let alone telling others how I feel about them, so it's a huge ordeal to me.

I instantly got it into my head that everyone expected me, from now on, to be able to speak about my feelings and feel okay with it. I was instantly thinking that everyone thought I was better and should be working and busy again (except Ma). So that made me feel bad. I felt pressure to communicate all of a sudden and to pressure to be chirpy, when I didn't want to be that way at all. I felt like an outsider again, I felt secluded, I felt alien. Had I brought it all on myself, by doing something so silly and soul-destroying by showing my feelings? People do it all the time, day in day out. They say if they're feeling down, if they're feeling good, if they're feeling anger or love towards a certain person. Me however? O no, it's the biggest obstacle in the world to overcome.

There wasn't guilt as such, but it was just..odd. I don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion and making it into a bigger deal than it was. But if that's how it felt then that's just the way it is, so I shouldn't tell myself I'm exaggerating. I let it the feeling just be and didn't want to speak or listen to anybody. I nodded or put on a smile when I was spoken to and that was about the only amount of communication I was feeling okay with.

I had overcome all the challenges that this very very long day had thrown at me. Once again. Is it nearly Monday?? Is it nearly time for me to see Diann again and to take another step? Because it could be a huge one. It feels like there's one on it's way and it's something I'm going to be concurring pretty soon. I know it for a fact. So, until then I need to rest. But that will never happen, as everything underneath is still brewing and deciding what direction to take and trying to settle down as well as trying to come to life.. How confusing..