Christmas Week no. 1

Monday afternoon. A few days before the end of 2008. What a year it has been.. But more to the point, and not to loose focus of what today was about, what a week it has been.. Unreal. I've relived it all again today when I was with Diann. A week full of learning curves, challenges and revelations. A week in which I was trying to put things I've learned into practise. A week in which I was dealing with things, I didn't ever think I would have to face again. A week with so much goodness, in disguise.

I was talking about Christmas day and how well it went and how good I was feeling. I was talking about Christmas Eve and how awful I felt and I was talking about Boxing day and how horrendous it was. Analyzing it all again. Trying to figure out what was happening when I was being faced with yummy foods that would usually be forbidden as well as seeing what being around so many people in such a close space, was doing to my eating.

It's so strange, because I could see it all happening. Every up and every down. I knew why it happened. Everything that upset me, every person that got to me and everytime I was presented with something that I usually wouldn't let myself eat. It was all closely related. After such a hectic week, I can see it all even clearer.

Christmas Eve, I knew what was happening as it unravelled. It was like I was standing there, being a spectator of my own "dealings". I wanted chocolate and I considered it. But I over thought it too much and was afraid and started to get scared it might make me feel bad the next day. I didn't want to ruin Christmas Day for me and the rest of the family. The longer I thought, the harder it got to break down the wall or break out of the cage I was in. They were so strong that I could nearly see them.. I've never had it that bad before.

The gang arrived from Holland and the barriers or the walls around me, were strengthened, probably straight away. Why? Because that's how I usually would deal with stress. This week the stress was caused by so many people in a small space and the pressure of everything. My barriers, my cage, my boundaries..used to be my eating habits. Not-eating was the way I'd deal with life and any stressful situation that occurred from day to day. Diann has told me a lot of times: Not-eating was the barrier or the wall I held around me. Not-eating would protect me. But now that I'm working on bringing the barriers down, these walls have got holes. So I didn't know where they were exactly. I didn't know what I was allowed. I didn't know how far I was able to take the eating chocolate and drinking wine. I hadn't set any boundaries that day and I didn't have a clue how it was going to effect me while I was dealing with the most stressful time of year with so many people around.

Usually not-eating would give me something to hold on to and make me feel safe and feeling that way would automatically give me the power to be and act as I normally would. What would I have had to hold on to, once I'd started eating all that I wanted and all that I liked? How would I cope with stress? What would stop my head from exploding? On Christmas Eve I didn't know whether it was best to keep them up or to bring them down and that's why as soon as I started questioning the chocolates, the barriers, the wall and the cage I was in got harder to break. There was just no way I could have brought them down or escaped and still have been able to function. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it and Christmas day would have been a disaster. So, in the end on Christmas eve, I paid for the fact the Christmas Day was great. But the fact that I couldn't bring the wall down, made me feel so awful. The worst thoughts were running through my head as I tried to get to sleep.. From resenting nearly every person for just opening their mouths to wanting to never wake up again.

Deciding what to eat and when to eat was just so hard, especially as the stress was so immense and my space was invaded. The house that usually would be safe, didn't feel like that anymore, to a certain extent. Yes, I had my own space in Seans room..but it wasn't enough. I didn't have what I usually would have to make me feel safe either..which was Anna.

After hearing Diann say it, it makes so much sense, even though I knew it all along. Seeing and feeling what it's like to not have Anna to cling on to, was putting all I've learned into practice. I suppose you could compare it to doing an internship or work-experience and finding out what it's like to live a life without Anna. I was being introduced to the real feeling of how stress can effect me without my "thing" that would protect me as the world is crumbling down around me.
It felt like there was nothing there and that's why the world crumbled around me..for a few hours each day. That's why I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. I was literally hanging on for dear life. That's the only way I can explain it. It suddenly all made sense again. As it always does. Sometimes for only a short time, sometimes for a longer period of time. But a little more clarity will give me more resources I can dip into, in future situations.

...to be continued.