The Child at Christmas

I woke up a few times in the middle of the night and wished so much to be a child again. I wanted to experience Christmas as I used to. Even up to last year. Each time I woke, I thought about all the kids, all over the world who still believe in Santy. How excited they must be, at that very moment by the thoughts of this jolly man coming to their house with his reindeer's, to bring presents, that are meant to make that one individual feel special.

Such a magical and special night, for all those kids. I was wanting to feel excited for them. As they wake up in the middle of the night to check if Santy has already been and filled the stocking at the end of the bed. As they listen to hear if he might still be downstairs. Being so excited for morning to come, that waking up in the middle of the night and still having to wait hours until it's to get up, would always feel like torture. But it would be worth it, because the build-up would make the fact that Santy did come and bring you exactly what you asked for, all the more magical.

Yet, here I was, lying in my bed.. All grown up. Not a child anymore, but supposedly an adult. I was wanting to feel the excitement, but I couldn't. Instead I was worried about what everyone in this house would think of me. Would they feel like they're walking on eggshells in my presence? Would they feel like I'm a fake? Would they be worried? Would they believe me to feel down or up? What was I going to do? What did I need to do?

I hadn't slept very well and was awake at around 7 o'clock. I was talking myself into believing certain things, just so I would feel relaxed and would let myself get caught up in the special moments that Christmas morning always brings. I was telling myself, that after last nights "break down" caused by Eileens words, cannot ruin my mood and I can't take on her issues. I can't let her behaviour have any effect on my behaviour. I need to eat a lot, because that's the only way to get rid of Anna. If Eileen chooses to not eat the whole day, then that's her problem. She's the only one that will suffer and feel drained, because of it. I need food, if not for comfort or pleasure, then for nutrition. I had to let go of what she has suddenly become to value.. Because I can no longer have values that are similar. Look to where they have led me..

I was telling myself that nothing bad is going to happen. It's just another morning and there's no pressure from anybody around me, to be feeling a certain way. I can do and be anyway I like. Nobody will hate me for it (except me..). I had to convince myself. I was telling myself that no matter how hard it can be or how awkward it can feel, there's no where else in the world I would possibly want to be, right now. This is where I have to be and the people who I miss and aren't around me, are in my thoughts and close to my heart. That's where they're safe. That's where Fay is too. Even if I don't always have "access" to her.. she's there and I need to cherish her.

I was telling myself that after today, there's tomorrow and it could turn out to be so much more important than today or yesterday. There's also next week, when other things could happen. There's also next month and the month after that.. when I want to start being independent again. My happiness doesn't depend on what I'm feeling on Christmas Day or what I've achieved by Christmas Day or how much money I have or haven't spent on Christmas Day. My happiness depends on me and the person who I was, am and will become, each and every day.

This Christmas Santy did come to me. He's a figment of my imagination of course. When I was a child, he made my Christmases worthwhile. He turned out to be my mother and family in disguise. Because they are the ones who made them magical. Seeing Christmas through my eyes, as a child, also means that I was the one who made all my Christmases magical. By dreaming about Santy coming to town, Ma made my dreams come true. By me, as a child and even as an adult, believing in miracles and believing in dreams coming true, I made Christmases special. So this year, there are miracles that have happened and there are dreams that will be coming true. A gift I give to myself this Christmas, is the strength I need to make miracles happen. A gift I give to my loved ones this year, is an expression of how much I love them and that without them, this Christmas wouldn't have happened.

Seeing Christmas and Santy as the ones who can make it special, in what ever way a person wishes is clearing my head, wiping the fuzziness from my brains and bringing the child inside of me, back to life. The child that usually comes out, each Christmas morning. I can learn to call upon that child whenever I wish for my dreams to come true because children believe anything is possible and they believe in miracles. No matter how grown up I sometimes feel, the child should always be cherished within..it's where the world is a magical place and it just takes this festive season to feel that stepping away from the worries and the stress and by loving the inner child, every person can make dreams come true.. and therefore so can I...