Hands-off!!

Boxing Day. A little tiredness and a full head. Is the pressure off now? It might be.. Is it falling? I think so. Is that why I'm tired? Probably. Is everyone expecting me to be in a foul mood? More than likely. Am I in a bad mood? I don't know. Is everyone getting to me? To a certain extent, yes they are.

I've already learned a lot this morning, just by being around people. I'm coming to realize the effect that certain things they are saying and doing, is having on me. Why are they effecting me? Because of yesterday. Because it all turned out to be a lot of fun and now I'm feeling strange and there's a lot going on inside of me, so the problem is with me and not them. It's the flag Diann was talking about. Somebody commenting on what I'm eating.. leave me alone and let me be or just get away from me.. Why are those my thoughts? Because I'm not right yet, after yesterday. It pisses me off so much. And it's all because of me. Nobody else. That's the worst part about it. I only have myself to blame.

I don't know if I'm feeling guilty for having had a good day yesterday and for enjoying myself and drinking and laughing. I think I must do. Because realizing what I've already learned this morning, is pissing me off. Because it's a good sign and that's wrong. It feels wrong. And I know it's because so much good has happened the past days.

I don't really know if I can keep all this goodness up. I want to but on the other hand I don't know if I'm really that bothered. If I'm not bothered then why should I care if people are saying things that piss me off? Maybe because I don't have the energy to express my own opinion on the matter. Is that what it is? Maybe because I can't find it in my heart to say words that might offend people when they mean it so well.

Things like: "Niamh, you're having some nuts..". I'd love to say: "Yeah, I am, so what and please stop stating the obvious and leave me alone!" But no, I just agree and nod and force a smile. Somebody eating from "my food" even though it's everybody's food. But it's my safe food being taken away from me. Why do that? If anybody wants to piss me off, then that's the best way to go about it. But it's all the guilt. It's all the goodness of the past few days, being reflected on my behaviour towards and around food. But some foods are a part of my food-plan, so hands-off!! Right?.. maybe not, because the supermarket will have more.. It wasn't the last packet on the shelf in Tesco's. The world isn't going to stop turning. But it certainly felt like that. I wanted to scream and go absolutely crazy. But I didn't.

Why are people constantly so interested in what I eat? Why do certain people look and observe? Do they think they're helping me by doing this? Because they aren't. If anything, they're making everything harder for me. Because it's an extra thing I need to deal with. As if eating in itself isn't enough..oh no, let's pile it on, just to make Niamh feel a little more drained, tired, angry and lifeless. It will never to enough, will it? It isn't fair and it's tiring and I'm sick of it, to be honest. I couldn't care less anymore.

Now that I know and can see what happens to my behaviour when I'm doing good and feeling good and stuffing my face all day long, isn't that enough? Can it all stop now? Haven't a sussed it all out, and now it should end. I can go back to being me again. Can this ****** fight end? Will somebody else take over, for just a short while, because I'm done.. beat, bust, game over, it's finito, basta la pasta.. and all the other words that are in my head but won't come out.. The end... (if only)