Christmas morning

Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone, and to myself too..
It's 12 in the afternoon and it's the BIG DAY.

What can I say?? Too much or too little? I haven't a clue, but I'll start where I left off. Last night, Christmas Eve, I was doing okay, until a certain hour. I don't know how I was suddenly overcome with such doom and gloom. It appeared out of nowhere, at around 11 o'clock. It just got worse and worse. All I wanted was to break away from everyone.

One minute I was sitting on the couch, having a laugh. Nothing out of the ordinary, just enjoying the moment. There was wine and chocolate and little pizza's. I considered having some mulled wine, but as soon as I saw Ma put sugar in it, that was that idea out and window. It made me so angry because I was willing to try it, before the sugar but Ma ruined it by making it "unsafe" so I couldn't let myself have any. Then the chocolates came out. I seriously contemplated having one. I really wanted to and even looked on the little leaflet to see what was in each one. It wasn't to torture myself, but to see which chocolate I wanted. But the longer they were there on the table in front of me, the more I started to worry about what they would do to me. The longer I thought about it, the harder it got to just go ahead and have only one chocolate sweet. Then the pizza's came out. I thought and thought about it..Will I, won't I? What will it make me feel like afterwards? Maybe it's too late for me to have one? Maybe it will stick in my stomach and cause me to have a bad nights sleep and a bad morning? And, of course, the more I thought about it, the harder it got for me to try one. This was all in the space of 45 minutes.

Then Eileen came in. She was slightly tipsy, just like every other person who was trying to get in the festive spirit. This pissed me off so much. I knew it was because I was jealous. I wanted to be out and about and having a laugh with friends without a worry in the world. I wanted to be excited about the next day and about presents and about food and drink. But I wasn't feeling any of it. 2 minutes later, Eileen was out in the kitchen and she said some words that had the worst effect on me.. Her exact words were: "I haven't eaten since 11.30 this morning". They might not sound like words that would harm anybody. If she had said to my face, that she hated my guts and that I was a low-life, they probably would have felt the same. But all she was doing was telling Ma that she had been working all day and hadn't eaten.

What that did to me, was horrendous. I didn't realize at that very moment, that those words hit me and caused me to feel as awful as I did. It wasn't until a half an hour or an hour afterwards that I realized her saying that, made me go insane and made me jealous. I wanted so badly to go the whole day without any food. Why was she allowed to do that, and I'm wasn't? The way she said it, reminded myself of me. She said it with such pride.. I could here it in her voice, how good it made her feel. I can recall that very same feeling myself. It's the best feeling in the world. And she was experiencing it, while I had to stuff my face all day long. How unfair life can be??

It made me feel so bad, just looking at her made me want to scream. She hasn't a clue what hearing things like that, does to me. And I can't expect her to either. I didn't even know that remarks like that could have such a horrid effect on me. I know for sure, that she wouldn't want to hurt me by saying certain things. But it still hurt like hell and from that very moment, everything went down hill.

I was surrounded by too many people. I just wanted to be alone and cry. I felt like **** and I didn't want to fight that feeling. I needed to let it come through. I needed to feel it, even if it was just to be able to be in better form and in a better mood the next morning. The thoughts I felt towards her, were just so bad. I can't believe the things that were going through my mind, each time I looked over at her or each time she spoke. I resented her, for being her. I knew I was being a *****, but that didn't really bother me.

I left the room, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Feeling like I was trapped in this cage. Trapped with barriers that I just wasn't able to break down. I could feel them getting stronger and stronger but there was nothing I could do. Aswell as dealing with what Eileen said and the nibbles and wine at that very moment, the pressure was also starting to build up inside of me caused by the stress of the next day, caused by me not being happy that I wasn't excited like the rest of the world, caused by the food, wine, laughter that was all waiting to be experienced and enjoyed on Christmas Day and the day after. And to put the icing on the cake: the unfairness of this whole ordeal. Why is everyone around me "allowed" to enjoy and "allowed" to laugh and "allowed" to drink and be merry and eat *****?

With all this, going on in my head, I was glad to go to bed at around midnight, even though I knew that I wouldn't be able to let myself sleep properly. I cried and cried. But I didn't cry myself to sleep. Because I didn't let myself fall asleep. I fought it. I don't know why. As I lay in bed, I realized that it was Eileens words that put me back in my cage. The cage to which nobody has the key that will let me out and be myself. The cage the keeps me away from acting as I wish to. The only person that holds that key is Fay. But she had deserted me, in my hour of need. She left the room the moment Eileen walked in.

Just before I started to fall asleep, I wished never to wake up. I wanted everything to end. I was sick of it all. Life didn't feel like it was worth living, if describing what was going on inside of me as: "feeling so bad" doesn't even come close as to how awful it felt, even when being surrounded by the only people in the whole world, who love me the way they do. Going to sleep and not waking up..that would have been a great Christmas present from Anna.

Thinking like this, only caused me to have dreams that weren't all to happy. So many dreams I had and in each dream I was doing things and failing at everything. The one I remember the clearest, was the one where I was going to college. I had to cycle everyday through the wind and the rain to get there. But after a year, the wind and the rain got too much for me, so I gave up. I wasn't fit and strong enough to cycle..so I'd failed. Not being able to cycle, meant I didn't finish the course.. I had failed again. Twice in one dream, I had failed.

This dream wasn't a nightmare, it was just describing me and how I felt.. a failure.. It wasn't as if I was waking up from a nightmare, because the dream continued. I was still me, and still a failure, only now, I was awake and I had to face the harsh reality of what was happening.. It was Christmas Day, 2008, I wanted to be happy, chirpy and recovered. I wasn't. I wanted to be skinny, not eating and feeling okay with being Anna again. I wasn't..