The Christmas build-up 2

Right at this moment (it's still Christmas Eve, by the way) and I think I'm now having trouble with 2 issues: with guilt AND with low energy and therefore frustration. I haven't done that much today. Everyone was awake real early, so I was too.. crying babies and talking babies everywhere (or maybe it sounded like that, when in actual fact there were only 2). We went to do a little bit of shopping. Nothing major, just all very chilled. But all the talking that I wanted to do, and therefore did, has been doing something to me and I'm not too sure what.

We've had a few good conversations, as we usually would do. But I haven't been in the position to do this, in such a long time..more than 6 months. I've always wanted to, but not been able. Talking about anything that goes deep in anyway at all, would just feel like a smack in the face. But this morning was the first time. It overwhelmed me but I wanted to talk. So I did. Afterwards I was plagued with guilt. That's when the dizziness and pounding head started. And I was starting to get hungry too and just wanted to go to bed.

I did so well, for being able to say some of the things I wanted to. It might have been too much, I'm not too sure. It was almost as if I was being patrolled. It was like there was someone else there, after the conversation had finished, but nobody could see this certain person. Nobody could feel this person being present, but I could. It hit me like a brick almost. This somebody who was patrolling me, was making notes as to what I was saying, how I seemed to be feeling and how I was acting. I don't know where this person was. I don't know who it was. Or I probably do know, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of her presence being noticed.. How unfair she can be.

So I was back home and needed to eat so badly. I had a toasted cheese and prawn sandwich. It was sooo tasty. But then I realized what was for dinner. Lasagna. O no. What am I going to do? Am I expected to eat that? The last time I had it, was the weekend of Eileens 21st which was the end of November. But there's cheese on top and I've already had cheese..so that's too much. I won't be able to resist the garlic bread either. What am I going to do? I know I don't have to have it. I know it could make me feel awful afterwards. And tomorrow is the Christmas dinner AND there'll be wine..both tonight AND tomorrow.

So what am I going to do? I couldn't possibly have the lasagna and the wine, all in the same day, as well as having a deep and meaningful conversation. And still feel happy and energized tomorrow and be able to drink and eat and be merry and spread all this love that I feel for everyone, all around me? Isn't that way too much?? Will I have to prioritize, as to how much I'm allowed to enjoy, feed, fuel and express myself?

I keep telling myself that there's nobody judging me, there's nobody telling me how much I'm allowed to enjoy myself. It's just me, myself and I. I really don't care what anybody thinks.. or do I? You see, I don't really know. Will I have to stay away from the lasagna and wine tonight, to be able to do it all tomorrow instead? Why should I have to choose? Why can't I have it all? Why can't I do and feel how I want? What's that all about?

It's purely because it blows my mind. Literally. I can't deal with it all. Throughout the past 6 months I haven't let myself enjoy wine, I haven't let myself open up to Emma and Orla and have great conversation, I haven't let myself laugh and feel good about where I am right now and I haven't let myself enjoy foods that haven't been "safe". So to do all this, in the space of 5 days, is alot. Especially if I want it and nearly expect it from myself but on the other hand feel guilty by "giving in".

I can't put pressure on myself, but I know secretly I am. No matter how bad it is for me. At this very moment, I can feel it in my chest. Just a ball that's stuck there. It's not huge, but it's there and my head is a little woozy and I'm tired. So what do I do? Will I let today run it's course and see what happens, just like tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that? Is that the only way I'll get through this? Is that the only way for me to be? If I tell myself I'm not bothered about how tomorrow turns out and that it isn't a big deal if I don't feel great and on top of the world (because basically that's not where I am at the moment, not mentally or physically), will that take the pressure off me and release the pressure and stress that's building up inside me? Hummm. It would make so much sense, but it's not done as easily as it's said (or in my case, written).

Let me think it over...