The Christmas build-up 3

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about what I was going to eat today. I've been craving for a bowl of Kellogs Fruit&Fibre, ever since I had it in Sandra's house the weekend I was in Holland. It's been on my mind for weeks now. Whenever I would think about the supermarket and the aisle I love the best, it's no longer the bread aisle that would make me drool.. but that's been replaced by the cereal aisle.. To me.. absolute heaven. If I was allowed to eat everything in the whole supermarket as much as I wanted.., what would I choose.. it would be the fruit&fibre. That's all I've been wanting for weeks now. So Ma got a box of it yesterday. I haven't had any yet.

Is this going to be the same drama as the Cadburys Flake? Only if I make it that..
I woke up and was immediately thinking about what to eat. I thought I'd have some fruit&fibre for my breakfast. Then I thought about how fast I would have to eat it and what I would feel like afterwards and how long I'd have to wait before eating again and how I'd cope. I was worried that if I started eating it, that I wouldn't be able to stop and that would be just plain embarrassing, with everybody around me watching me eat (I know nobody's watching, but that's just what I've got in my head).

So then I thought, I'll have it Christmas morning. It will be a treat, as everybody will eat their sausages and rashers, bacon and eggs. But will that work? What if I'm finished it and I want yogurt and muesli as well, because I'll have missed out on my daily "fix"? What will happen then? I might end up setting myself up for the worst day ever and then my Christmas dinner won't be nice and I might not let myself have chocolate or wine or anything that will be pleasurable.. What is a person to do?

For breakfast today, I had my usual. I plan on having the Fruit&fibre tomorrow morning. Or maybe this afternoon. But that would be bad, wouldn't it? Why? I don't know, because it's all too nice. But wasn't cereal my "safe" food, so shouldn't I be able to eat as much of that as I want? Shouldn't that be good for me? So why would I make myself feel bad for eating something delicious AND nutritious..

I promised myself I wasn't going to do this.. I wasn't going to let myself worry about Christmas dinner, about food, about alcohol, about laughing and chatting. I wasn't going to do that to myself. I was only going to focus on spreading my energy and not overdoing it.. But, as you may have noticed, I'm doing exactly what I really didn't want. To tell the truth, I could sit here for hours, typing about what I might and might not eat today, tomorrow and the day after and what I intend on drinking and not drinking. I could try and predict what I'm going to feel like and how well it will all go. I would love nothing more than to do it.. But I simply can't..

I left Diann on Monday, on high note, saying that appreciating Christmas for what it really is, and focusing on that, will make it all a whole lot easier. So I should try.. But I don't know how long I'll be able to fight the feeling and fight Anna trying to wear me down. I can only do it for so long and then I'm beat.. Then I've had enough..just like every other person who gets tired of being positive and upbeat in the most difficult of situations.

I know I have to focus on different things, to get myself through.. So for now, I might just take a short time out again and continue later on a more positive note. I was going to go down the town later on again, but I'm not too sure..

I be checking in again later to type some more and to see how I'm feeling...