Christmas Eve

It's still Christmas Eve, the day is coming to an end. Just like every other day. Tomorrow, Christmas day. Does that mean that something huge is going to happen? Does that mean the world will stop turning or life will be different once tomorrow night comes? Will everybody have achieved their goals by tomorrow and if they haven't does that make them a failure? No, it doesn't. Nothing will have changed, things will still be as they were intended to be. Life will continue, people will go back to their jobs and all will remain the same.

This afternoon, I can hardly remember what I was typing. I can hardly remember how I had all of a sudden realized how this whole illness works. Because I had. From one moment to the next, when I was in bed this afternoon, I knew exactly how it all fitted together, the stress with the food with my mood with the people with the pressure and all that coming together in my chest. The tightness or the heavy feeling (there are many ways to describe it). As I was realizing this the pressure in my chest started to go. It was there one minute and the next, I moment I thought about how I was feeling, and it was nearly gone.. Because I everything had become clear again. I had written my way to clarity, as I've often done in the past and, more than likely, will continue to do in the future.

So I was thinking and thinking..it was only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I wanted to do so much and wanted to be in such and such a mood by such and such a time and by tomorrow I wanted to be this and that..on and on it went. I don't know why I was doing this to myself. But it was happening along with the food-stress. All of sudden something Diann said to me, a while back, popped into my head. She said that all anorexics are known for getting stuck into things and being so motivated and determined to get something done or to finish things. She said that getting our "teeth stuck into things" and clinging on to doing or finishing a certain task, is always a better option than clinging on to or getting into the familiar and easy anorexic behaviour and starving ourselves, just so as we have some feeling of accomplishment.

So, while I was thinking about this and trying to come out of myself and trying not to get upset, overwhelmed or depressed by being struck with this sudden rush of guilt, paranoia and pressure, I knew that I needed to focus my energy. I knew I had to start doing something at that very moment, in order for me to feel fine again.

The past days I've been thinking a lot about Christmas and the meaning of it. So I wanted to busy myself by focusing on that, instead. I had to get out of my head, that Christmas is only about food and drink and I had to start doing something positive that would also help get rid of any bad feelings that were coming up. So I did.

To me Christmas should no longer mean, stuffing my face. I've noticed what it can do to me.. the stress triggers everything Anna stands for. So what else does it mean? It's about giving, it's about showing your nearest and dearest how much they mean to you, it's the season of "good-will", it's to remember what we should be grateful for. It all sounds pretty cliche, but take away expensive presents, alcohol, parties and food. What have you got left? It's a Christmas that represents it's true meaning. Things that are important. Every single day of the year, these things are important, but Christmas can be the time to stop and see it all, as clearly as it is.

How can this be expressed? This question has been on my mind for the past week or 2. Giving.. to loved ones and even to yourself, as Diann said to me. If I'm off traveling and celebrating Christmas without family, then I can give myself a gift. I don't have to deny myself of anything and I deserve to be treated even if it is by myself that I'm being treated. Some people might think it sounds pathetic, but I don't. Getting through a year, no matter how good or how bad, can be a accomplishment no matter what age you are or what state your health is. Appreciating and being grateful to yourself, to your body and to your mind for still thriving, for still learning and for still growing. A small gift to yourself, just to remind you that you are worthy of receiving just as much as the next person. Also giving to others that form your world at that moment in time, no matter how small a gesture. If it comes form the heart, it's to show how much that certain person means to you, then isn't that far more important than spending huge amounts or money on enormous gifts? Because that's what Christmas has been overshadowed by.. materialistic gestures.

This has been occupying me all afternoon. I've been thinking of a way to show the people close to me, just how much they mean to me. The smallest gesture in the world, but so much thought and so many hours of preparation. It was something to focus my energy on and something that showed me what Christmas can be about... doing something good for others instead of restricting myself from everything that can be classed as a pleasure. It's the only thing in the world that I have to give.. and those are words.. That's all I have at the moment and therefore that's all I'm giving. But if the receiver can see what is meant by it, it will more than any other gift money can buy.

I think I have to quit while I'm ahead. Or else my head will start pounding again.. See you after xxxx