Christmas Dinner

Christmas dinner. It's happened. I'm still alive, I survived but am not yet thrived..if only, if only, if only.

I did so much talking to myself and reassuring yesterday, during the run-up to the dinner. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gotten through it. Never in a million years. The thing that helped me the most, was to be present whilst eating it. Like when I had the lasagna weeks ago, I told myself to enjoy it and not to fear what it was doing to me. I was eating for the moment. It's only one meal and just because the Christmas dinner is associated with fun and laughter, it doesn't mean that I can't savour the taste of the meal. I told myself, that if I want to talk and forget about Anna and it feels okay, then that's what I'm allowed to do. I also had to remind myself of how grateful I am for sitting around the table with all these people.

Throughout the morning I wasn't restricting myself because of the meal that was to come. I wasn't compensating as I usually would have done. I wasn't going to save my appetite either so I'd be able to eat more of the delicious dinner. None of that. I had breakfast.. Kellogs fruit&fibre. It was delicious. I had one bowl and then another half of a bowl. I felt satisfied after that. It was tasty and it was good for me too. So I didn't feel guilty and I didn't make a huge deal out of it either. After that, at around 1 or 2 o'clock, I had a bowl of yogurt with some dried fruit and nuts. Again and as always.. delicious. Real tasty. No guilt, it was good for me and it was safe.

Dinner was at 3 in the afternoon. I was happy with that time as it meant that I was not stressing about it all day long. I had just eaten an hour before, so I wasn't starving. I would still be able to eat and I wouldn't need to stuff my face. I didn't want to sit near people who were uncomfortable looking at me, when I'm eating. Because I know that it's uncomfortable for certain people, which makes me feel the same way and I wouldn't have been able to relax. So I sat in between Ma and Sean..always safe.

What did I have? I had a roast potatoe (Ma did mine separate, crispy from the olive oil instead of crispy from the goose fat), some turkey, carrots and broccoli and a little bit of stuffing. The stuffing was the nicest part.. but also the biggest challenge. I never know exactly what Ma puts in it...probably gallons of butter.. So it did freak me out a little, but I wanted it, so I had it and it's the nicest part of the Christmas dinner too. The potatoe was gorgeous and it was safe because I knew how it was prepared. The turkey wasn't fatty so that was tasty and the veg is always healthy too.

I was focusing on being "present". I was eating what I wanted, at that moment in time. I didn't want to stuff my face. I even had a glass of rose wine too. The last time I had a glass of wine with a meal is over 6 months ago. It was strange. Because I'd always see people do it on telly and it wouldn't seem like the right thing to do. I would nearly feel sorry for them, for eating a fatty meal in a restaurant AND drinking alcohol. I mean.. how much can someones body take?? Why put your body through so much torture?

But, yesterday I was doing it too. And it was okay. I was savouring the tastes. I didn't have any dessert though. I did consider it though. I didn't tell myself, "I'm not allowed to have it". I didn't even think about it, until dinner was over and Ma asked who wanted what. So I thought about it and I tasted some of the orange mouse Ma made. It was too sweet and it didn't taste like "more". I didn't want ice-cream, I didn't want Christmas pudding either. So I knew I wasn't restricting myself. I knew I was doing good. It didn't give me pleasure to see the others having dessert. I didn't give me strength. This told me I wasn't in restraint.

Eileen said the words that have become her favourite, over the past week "I didn't have any dessert and I'm real proud of myself".. "I haven't stuffed my face with chocolate this year and I'm real proud of myself". They didn't do too much to me. Those words didn't feel like a stab in the heart or a punch in the face, like they did the night before. I chose for them not to have an effect on me. I didn't want them to. I didn't want her behaviour to upset me. I told myself.. Those are her issues and I have to distance myself from them. So I did and I was quite proud of myself.

To me, that's a greater accomplishment and something WORTHY of being proud about, than restricting myself and saying "no" to food.. Like Eileen was at that moment. I'm in the position at the moment, that I can't afford to worry about what she's doing. I simply can't. It's too much pressure and it will do things to me that I can't let myself do. I love her to bits, but I'm not going to let my love for her, take away the occasional love I feel towards myself..

I got through it, without guilt. I did well. Afterwards I went to bed for an hour or 2. Everything was getting a little bit too noisy and a bit too hectic. I knew that I needed a time-out. So I did and I felt great about doing that too.. So much greatness, in such a short space of time. I have to let it settle again. I can do this.