Christmas Week no. 2

On Christmas Eve I was trying to eat intuitively. I wanted to go with the flow and just see what I was in the mood for, when the moment and the food presented itself. So that means, no planning involved. But Diann said that when I know there'll be a certain party or a gathering where there'll be alcohol and nibbles and yummy food involved, then it can be better to plan ahead. So just for those few hours I should tell myself that I'm allowed to have 2 or 3 glasses of wine and a certain amount of nibbles. Once I've had those, then I can see if I'm feeling okay with having more. I could compare it to having a "party-food-plan". Diann didn't call it that, but that's just what I've come up with. That way, I can let myself have a certain amount and still have my boundaries or my wall or my cage, as much as I'm comfortable with. I'll still feel safe so I'll be able to feel good without guilt or without feeling like I'm losing control. Just like the food-plan I occasionally still need. Safe.

At that moment, on Christmas eve, I did what I thought was best, which was not eat what I wanted, so for now I have to leave it at that. Christmas day turned out well. Because I had mentally prepared myself. I didn't feel guilty for eating and enjoying the dinner and even having wine with it. I had already told myself that I'm allowed a glass. The whiskey I ended up drinking, I might have done on purpose, just to avoid feeling like I felt the night before.. the barriers strengthening and the bad thoughts that came along with them.. No, the whiskey loosened me. I didn't loose control around food..thankfully. But I did want to stay up all night and drink and drink and drink. That's where I could have lost control big time and I would have suffered. It's probably a good thing that everyone was going to bed or else I would have definitely lost control.

From Friday onwards, absolutely everything was catching up on me.. The effect of the alcohol AND still needing to deal with the stress; it was definitely the day from hell. Diann reckons I was worse than I would have been, if I had eaten a bigger breakfast.. because of the alcohol. O no!!! I needed something more than yogurt and muesli because my blood sugar levels had dropped due to the alcohol which in turn, caused me to feel even more distraught than already felt. That's also why I couldn't make a decision in the afternoon whether to visit John and Ann or not. That's why I felt that I needed some help, from somewhere, but I wasn't getting it from anywhere or anybody because I needed my space so I took that space and I needed the boundaries so I put them up and I needed to be as far away from everybody as possible because I couldn't cope with life. I was again, only barely hanging on.

If I would have eaten an egg on toast, or fry-up or a chicken sandwich I would have been able to make decisions and deal with things. I probably still would have felt as awful, but not as traumatised as I did. Which, at this moment, makes me feel so awful. It means I'm just like everyone else.. It means I need the same food as other people who have been drinking too much. That makes me feel like such a loser. Why should I need fatty foods the morning after drinking? It's not good.. Really it's not. It can't be. I don't want to be that person. I can't deal with the thoughts of being that, at the moment. It's just too awful.

Diann was shocked when I told her that I went to see John and Ann after I went into detail as to how awful I was feeling and that I just couldn't decide what to do, and how I was breaking down and how I knew that if it was so hard for me to decide then it was best I stay at home. But that's just me. Pushing when I really shouldn't.

Ma said she could see how bad I was doing on Friday. But that made me snap. I saw red. Because really, she didn't know. She might have thought I wasn't doing too well, but nobody knew the extent of it. If Ma knew just how awful I was feeling, she wouldn't have looked so disappointed when I said that I wasn't going to go with them to John and Ann. She would have understood and wouldn't have thought I was too lazy and not making an effort, by staying at home. It was written all over her face and that's why I made myself go visiting in the end. But if Ma didn't know how bad I was doing, then nobody did because, afterall, she can read me better than anyone else.

Diann asked me how it felt for nobody to understand what I was going through.. Of course I felt alien and alone even with too many people around me. Being in such a frantic state, only makes it hit home, with mighty force, when coming to realize that people haven't got a clue. And these thoughts are only confirmed by what they say and how they look at me.. things like: "It might do you good to get out of the house". As if it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Or: "Think about if you'd like to come or not". Excuse me? What do you thing I've been so distraught about for the past four hours??!! All these things just show me how little everyone knows about what's going on.

I suppose if I don't open up, they can never know. But if I can't open-up, then it's just something I'll have to live through, at that moment in time. Nobody can ever know just how hard things are and can be. I don't always know how hard things have been myself either, and I'm the one who's going through it all. Sometimes I can't even imagine I felt such pain for doing something so small. So I can't resent anyone for not realizing how deep this goes. I can't blame them for not wanting to know either, because engaging in someone else's pain too much, can only cause that person pain too. And who wants that? Nobody.

I don't wish my pain to be felt by anybody else. Never in a million years. It's my own pain, for me to feel so I'll eventually get through all this ****. It's only temporary that I'm not comfortable with opening about how I'm feeling. It won't last forever and the people who matter the most know that I can't. Not just yet. It won't happen overnight, unfortunately. That's what I would love. But that just isn't how it works, I'm afraid. I don't know if some people realize that, but I can't focus on what they think they know. I'm the only one who knows, only sometimes. Other times, I don't even know... So I have to let it go.. like so many other things..

..there's more.