Christmas Week no. 3

Sunday morning was difficult. I knew everyone was leaving so I was trying to wait and I wanted to eat alone and in peace. But it didn't work out that way. So I had breakfast anyhow and tried to deal with the noise at the same time but it was so hard. Once we had all said our goodbyes, the stress slowly started to go and the barriers slowly started to lift. I needed to be totally alone. I needed time to myself. I sat on the sofa and waited because there was still a certain amount of pressure I was feeling and I was wanting to clean so I could deal with what was bothering me at that moment.

I was eating, so I needed and wanted to clean to make myself feel better. It was like I was trying to find something else to busy myself with, to keep my mind occupied or something else for me to cling onto. But I wouldn't let myself clean, because I knew I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I knew I would be doing it because I wasn't starving myself and I was still slightly stressed out. As I was sitting on the sofa, it was like I was being pulled by something to get up off me ass, but I had to fight it because I was only feeling all this false energy inside caused by all the wrong things. I forced myself to NOT start cleaning. But once I got up off the sofa, that was it. That's when it started, but I needed to do it even if I was in tears, talking outloud to myself like a madwoman telling anyone who was listening just how unfair it was that I had to do all this. After a half an hour or an hour I stopped and forced myself AGAIN to slow down.

I told myself I was safe again with my own space. I was no longer in a cage. But then the barriers were lifting and the food started to freak me out. I was suddenly allowed everything and I was tempted to stuff my face like a pig. I had fruit and fibre for breakfast. I then had yogurt with fruit and nuts. Then I had a slice of toast and a muesli bar and I couldn't stop thinking about food. I wanted more and more and more. But I couldn't because I would only binge and then I wouldn't be allowed to have dinner..on and on the cycle goes.

I went to bed because I simply couldn't be near the kitchen anymore. The temptation was too big. When I was in bed, I was still feeling uneasy..because I thought I was energized all of a sudden and I had remembered what Mr. Acupuncturist had said to me weeks ago: "Whenever you feel energized like that Niamh, don't force it away because that's what you need to get your strength back. Don't lie down and don't be afraid of that energy". So I was in bed, thinking I was doing the wrong thing, but I couldn't go downstairs because of the food. So I wanted to read which might make me feel better and calm me down, but I couldn't because my head was just so tired. So I lay there and drifted and floated. I wasn't asleep but I wasn't awake either. Once I started to wake up again, I felt totally calm and chilled out again.

That night, thinking back on how I was wanting to stuff my face and how much the food was freaking me out, I answered the question I had been asking myself.. "Was I restricting myself over the past 5 days and had I strengthened the barriers?" Most definitely.

I said this to Diann yesterday. I could feel it all so well but it's still so strange. Because while everyone was here, I did consider eating certain things, but I didn't think I wanted them. I honestly didn't. But now seeing that I was in restraint doesn't really reassure me. I thought I was doing one thing, when really I was doing another. I thought I'd be able to stay on top of it..But no. I didn't think I was restricting so that blew my mind once I realized I was. It kind of makes me angry and I started getting frustrated because I thought I was doing good because I was eating. But I wasn't. I've said it many times before..I was just hanging on.. subconsciously waiting for myself to let me eat what I wanted..

...more to come