Happy-Hour Part 2

Last week Monday when I was with Diann, we were talking about my next step. My next step, as in, what I would like to do or where I would like to go. The problem with me is that I want so much. I actually want too much. I want to see it all and to do it all. So where and what does a person do who loves it all so much and is flexible enough and believes in themselves that they can make it all happen? Where does someone start? How is a decision made and how can someone trust themselves to know that they're doing the right thing? AND.. how can someone do something they don't know they'll like until they actually go ahead and do it, and not be afraid to fail in the process and be classed a quiter?

Try things.. and never be afraid to "bail". Never be afraid that other people will judge you for not finishing a course you always thought you'd love to do and be good at. Never see "trying things" as a waste of time. Never see yourself as a loser, for not completing something. Never put yourself down, for not having the talent you thought you had or you would have loved to have.

A few examples as to how I have made decisions and lived my life, so far.. The past 2years, I got interested in yoga. I absolutely loved it. I would do it obsessively all for the wrong reasons. I had, somewhere along the line, said that I'd love to do a course and become a yoga teacher. I nearly enrolled for a course when I got back from traveling, but financial reasons eventually stopped me. About 3 years ago, I started to get interested in acting. I did a course and loved it. But I was probably one of the worst in the class which didn't matter to me because I thought I was brilliant and I enjoyed it. I started looking into doing drama school and more acting courses.. but I was planning to go to Oz so those "dreams" never ran it's course. Around 3 or 4 years ago, I wanted to be study psychology. I looked into doing a 4 year degree but, again, as soon as the financial side of it was brought to light, I knocked it on the head.

Another few occupations I believed I was set on this earth to fulfil..aerobic teacher, choreographer, presenter, writer, journalist.. Those are only a few minor career choices I wanted to take over the past 4 years, ever since I got my diploma in tourguiding. That was another job or career I needed to pursue.. just because I had always said that's what I wanted to do and also to prove to my lecturers/teachers that I would be a great guide (as they had said I was too wild and too full of life to be a professional guide..well I showed them they were WRONG, after guiding for 5 months with German tourists around this luscious green, very wet and often grey country which turned out to be the hardest job I have ever done in all my life, but on the other hand I learned more in those 5 months than I could ever have imagined as well as realizing that Germans are crazy about banana's, as they give them enough energy and calories and are the cheapest way to go from breakfast through to dinner without having to fork out a few euro's for some fish chowder and brown bread at lunchtime..).

So anyhow, back to all the careers I thought/think were/are for me. As I'm writing this, I reckon I'm a crazy and slightly insane human-being..or human-doing as I think about all the things that I would have loved to do somewhere in between all the traveling I have done so far as well as developing an eating disorder.. My head is hurting!!!!! It's just too much and it's not possible for anybody to do it all, unfortunately.

Diann said that by trying things, is the only way anybody can find out what it is they do best and enjoy the most. I have to let go of the fact that I think it's bad to start something and afterwards have to admit that it wasn't for me. I've never been someone to give up. I'll see anything through to the bitter end, no matter how boring, stressful, draining or depressing something makes me feel. I always had this thing in my head.."Now that I've said that I MUST do it.. I HAVE see it through".. (and I'd secretly curse to myself for mentioning it, but that wouldn't matter and it wouldn't stop me either).

It's just like the job I still have waiting for me back in Holland. I hated it so much when I was there, but I needed to stay for a whole year. Why? just... because.. I had said I wanted to work in a travel agency, so I have to do it even if it did bring me down and depress and stress me out.. Ironic isn't it? Was I trying to prove to the world that I didn't make the wrong choice as to what it was I wanted to do with my life? But who was judging me? The "world" was never going to tell me: "Niamh, it's okay now, you've proved that you can do it, you can stop now". There was absolutely nobody there judging me or presurizing me.. N O B O D Y.. I mean, it wasn't even as if I had a boyfriend telling me to stick it out or that my Ma was on the phone everyday telling me hold on to that ****** job. I was only one trying to prove something to myself. It would have made me feel like a quitter and a failure if I'd have left after a couple of months.

So, back on track.. If I can get myself to let go of feeling like a loser when I turn out to not be good at something or to not like something..then I can let myself embrace the experience and be grateful for having had the opportunity. If anything, it would give me peace of mind to know that that certain direction wasn't intended for me. That should be a good thing right??

I would look at other people around me and see them do exactly that. They're trying different directions in life, to finally find out what it is that they're good at and where they want to be and go. I would encourage it and see it as positive thing for THEM but not for me. I've a classic example: Our little Eileen. She's being trying her hand at so many different jobs since she's finished school. She's tried working with kids, working with as a special needs assistant, she's tried hair-dressing, telesales, beautician, waitressing, massage therapy..there's probably more.. and at the moment she's in a clothes shop, seeing if that suits her. I've said to her before that at least now she knows what it is she DOESN'T like or want to do. For her it's fine. So why wouldn't it be fine for me to do the same?

I've always been too hard on myself, in every aspect of my life, hence the eating disorder. Anytime I'd say I intend on doing something, I'd easily have visions of this particular action being taken while Anna is lashing me with a whip, punishing me for saying outloud what it is that I wanted to do. Is that making sense? I'm just putting it into perspective..

All this career talk..it's making me thirsty.. tea time!!
Back in a mo..