Happy-Hour Part 3

Her wise words, once again, have been running their own course around my head, each day. The conversation on jobs and careers and trying different things, has been sinking in and of course has had an effect.

I see now that choosing a certain job or direction is mainly related to what a person values in life. Is this job someone does, each day, important because of status, money, achievement, capability, fun-factor..?? Does someone class their job to be more important than their health, happiness and all of those other good and bad things a job can make us feel? An example. Diann was saying there's a friend of a friend, who hates his job but it gives him the opportunity to go surfing every weekend because that's what he values most in his life. So, for him, the job isn't an issue. Money, status, work-environment and so on, aren't as important for him as being able to do what he loves the most every weekend, which is surfing. Some people fill their spare time doing the things they love the most and working a particular job that isn't something they've dreamed of but also this fact isn't a problem for them. It all depends on the person, what they want from life and what they value.

So, where does all this babbling leave me? In a very weird but wonderful place. I've been thinking of ways that could get me traveling again. The fact that I can't do it just yet, hasn't been freaking me out. I'll have to get passed that awful feeling, or else I'll never be able to make things happen. I've been trying to think practical along with thinking about whether or not to go back to Holland. Because, right now, moving on from where I am now also means thinking about what either option would mean for me.

Thinking of Holland, is hard for me. It brings up all these not too nice feelings, to be honest. I don't know what it is about it. I spoke to Diann about this on so many occasions. And by the way I speak about it, she can sense that it wouldn't suit the lifestyle I want, anymore.. I might have become too laid-back or I might feel too much stress and pressure living in such a society. These 2 factors (stress and pressure) are what I've had to avoid totally, to get through the past months. In some ways, the lifestyle might have suited Anna down to the ground. But not Fay. If I were to go back to that lifestyle, I don't know if and how I'd cope with it.

Going back, things might turn out great. Then again, Anna could be triggered and I could suffer set-backs.. Who knows? Nobody ever will. As Diann said today, there are only 2 things in this life that are certain 1) we all die 2) nothing is certain. And she's right. People make decisions each and everyday, some slightly bigger than the other..but they all need to be taken and nobody will ever know what would have been, had we chosen differently. Everything involves taking a certain amount of risk, but such is life. However if I can act according to what feels right, then that will certainly be a safer bet than going with what feels wrong. If the thoughts of going back to Holland causes my head to spin and my stomach to form a knot, then that doesn't feel too good..

The thing I want to do, is travel, surprise surprise. That's a certainty. I told Diann today about how heart-broken and sick I'd feel whenever I'd hear about other people traveling. She said that before she had her own private practise, she would hear about other therapists who had taken the risk to set up by themselves and she'd feel the same way..heart-broken and lost. That made her see that that was what she had to do, so she did it and she's never looked back.

There was another thing too.. With all my ties in Holland, my room, my job, my "everything" is there but I'm here in Ireland. My mind is here, I'm working on myself here and I'm trying to get my life back on track while I'm here. But most of what I always classed as being "me" is still over there. So where is all my energy? Alot of my energy is still there and not here, where it should and where I need it to get my life back.

I'm trying to think beyond and maybe work abroad to get myself financially set to travel at a slow but steady pace, for a long as I feel I want to.. But for me to be able to fully focus on moving on to different things, especially as I'm still not physically back on track, I need all my energy to be in one place. That way I can look forward. I wouldn't be held back by possibilities or opportunities being in Holland could offer me, even when the thoughts don't make me feel happy. My mind would, to a certain degree, be back there. To open one door, another door needs to be closed.. huummmm..

Often, one decision needs to be made to know what the next one is and if it feels right. Because the mind is focused and the flow isn't being disrupted or being brought off-balance by thoughts from the past.

I'm almost afraid to say what it is that I'd like to do because that might make me feel I HAVE to do it, just because I've said it. At the moment I'm still mooching around, as Diann put it. There's no pressure and I don't want to stress it either. I just need to listen to what feels right and I'm in the process of letting it all sink-in.

Each week the clarity becomes even clearer..if that's possible. Last week I thought I'd nailed it..by Diann saying (amongst many other things) "Niamh, you're allowed to try new things to find out what you enjoy and you'll never be a failure". And then this week "Niamh, focused energy, closing doors and thinking ahead will help you find your true purpose in life". These weren't her exact words, but that's the main thing I got from all the chatting today..