Looking forward..2009

New Years resolutions.. What's the point? As if a person is able to better themselves as the clock strikes midnight.. That annoys me so much. Nobody is ever able to stick to them and I, personally, don't see the point. But I do see the point in looking back and looking forward.

At the start of every new year, I would always tell myself it's either going to be a good year or a bad year. With me, ever since I was a teenager, one year would be the best, the next would be the worst. On and on the cycle would go. I would see the new year as a fresh start, for either good or bad.. For instance: 2008 was a bad year, and 2007 was the best year of my life, 2006 was hard in a lot of ways and 2005 was good.. 2004 was a bit of both, but 2003 was the absolute best and 2002 was another real real difficult year, but 2001 was amazing.. Isn't it weird the way I would do that?? Each year, as I'd have drink a glass of champagne, I'd think back and conclude how good or bad the past 12 months have been and then say if the next would be great or not. Diann said to me months ago, that by doing that, I'm setting myself up for a fall. Why should events be "evaluated" according to when they happen? But that's what I used to do. Months ago, as I let go of time I've also let go of this way of thinking.

Because we live for the moment, don't we? As I've already established, having a party on New Year's Eve or not, doesn't make your year a brilliant or not. I had a brilliant night, last year, but the actual year 2008 was the hardest of my life.
I have to see the clock striking 12 as a time to look forward and feel excited about the next 12 months and not as a time to only feel excited about the next 12 hours of partying. There's so much more to life.

The main reason I'm thinking like this is because I won't be partying and because what I usually would depend on to give me a buzz, adrenaline and make me feel happy, isn't there this year. It just not a possibility. I have to accept it and realize that once the 2nd of January comes, I'll have forgotten all about how low I've been feeling about not partying. I won't care one way or the other anymore because today and tomorrow I'll have realized what I have to look forward to and I'll have realized that I don't need a huge party to make me feel happy.

I can see 2009 as a brand new year and as a brighter time in my life. A time to let go of any bitterness or anger that I've been feeling the past year. A time to be grateful for these bad feelings I've had and to appreciate them. A time to see how far I've come and what I've learned. A time to see that the past 6 or 7 months I've been investing in myself and in my future and that I needed this time to get to where I want to go in life. A time to see that soon my hard times will hopefully become less and less and that life might start to get easier. I can't say for certain and I can't depend on that to happen and for me to therefore feel happy. But it can be something that I can wish for. Something that I can cherish all the more when it happens, because it will be a dream come true. And dreams are special.

The only thing I know for certain is that I have myself and my strength. I'm the one who determines how and when things happen in my life. It's all in my own hands, just like it was months ago and just like it'll be months from now, too. A year ago I was depending on so much other things to make me feel happy, things that weren't a certainty but I wanted for them to be. Things that weren't good for me and that could have been snatched away from me at any time. But not anymore. Not if I choose to depend on the only thing that has got me to where I am today, and by that I mean me.

Today, tomorrow and the day after that..and next week and next month, I won't be starving myself. I won't be abusing myself. I won't be trying to be somebody I'm not. This time last year, that's what I was doing and I still had months of starvation to undergo in order for me to able to sit here on New Years Eve 2008 and know what I now know and be on the road to becoming the person I'm meant to be. Today I'm eating and I'm learning. I'm nourished and I'm being looked after. I don't have to worry about what I'm having for dinner. I don't have to worry about my weight, about remarks, about calories or about what I look like. I don't have to count the hours between meals anymore and I don't have to feel ashamed if anybody were to comment on me having lost weight. I can rest and feel no guilt. I can eat and feel no guilt. That's far more important than having a New Years Eve party and getting drunk, just to NOT feel like a failure.

So have I got any regrets for not being in Mexico at this present moment and instead be in Arklow trying to eat? No, I don't. I'm grateful for how this year has turned out. I'm grateful for every single up and down that I've experienced no matter awful I can feel at the moment and how much I need to party. That's a feeling I have to switch off.. I'm here right now, and in a few days time I'll be happy that 2009 has come. Because it will be a good year, if that's what I choose to make out of it.. and I do.. xxx