New Years Day

2009. I survived.. I maybe even thrived..inside..
I got through and it's all behind me now. Everything. Or so it feels, for now. All the anticipation of how I was going to get through to the new year and how I'd feel come midnight and how frustrated I'd feel about not being able to party.. It's all over and come tomorrow I'll be using my energy "sufficiently". Not that I haven't been doing that the past week and a half, because I've learned so much from it all, but still. I'll be totally focusing on me again.

I don't have anymore worries about missing out on parties and gatherings. I don't have anymore fears as to where I should be by a certain time. I don't have anymore doubts that I won't get through this. Because Christmas and New Year showed me that I can get through anything as I can't imagine ever having to go through that again, so intensely.

Last night turned out to be a good night. We went to Julies at around 9 and I was feeling fine. It was small crowd, so that made it easier, I wasn't at all stressed by it and there wasn't any pressure. But to make myself feel a little better than I already was feeling, I dipped back into what I had "discovered" yesterday afternoon while I was writing..and that was the fact that this time last year I was starving myself and that now I don't have to do that anymore, I'm allowed to eat, I'm not ill anymore, I'm getting better and I'm happier. It made me feel safe and I knew that I'm doing all I can to get better. So to finally conclude: a party on New Years Eve isn't the be-all and end-all. There are far more important things in life..and in my case it's life itself that's far more important. That's what got my through the night. It made me happy to see how far I've come and what an amazing year I've had and the thoughts of how much better life will get for me, made me excited. So that's all I had to do, and my enjoyment of being around people, alcohol and food came naturally.

I told myself before hand, as Diann had suggested, that I can 4 glasses of rose wine and 2 nibbly things. I'd know straight away if I'd feel okay with having more than I initially planned. I think I drank that whole bottle by the end of the night, so I had more than the "permitted" 4 glasses, but I was feeling fine about it. I had 2 pieces of finger food, and didn't feel bad about having that either. I didn't get freaked for not knowing how they were prepared, I just enjoyed them. I wasn't paranoid and I wasn't scared of what all this eating and drinking would do my head the next day. I wasn't forcing myself to be in a certain way, I was going with the flow.

The clock struck 12 and that was it. A fresh new year that's finally come. That's what the whole night was about, the one moment in time that's said to change people's outlook on life. The build up and the pressure is all for that one moment. But things go back to normal straight away, don't they? The drink keeps on flowing and the nibbles are still there. The feeling of good or bad, can still be felt. The path continues to unfold and life is still being lived. The loneliness or happiness, it's all there but being experienced but just in another year. The clock striking 12 doesn't mean things should be different or better but opportunities can be on the horizon and by standing still and reflecting and opening yourself up to change, you can see them. You decide if the reflecting has an influence or not. That is if you choose and if you dare. I choose and I dare..

To be honest, as it turned 12 o'clock I didn't think about anything else I'd rather be doing, anywhere else I'd rather be or any people I'd rather be with at that moment. I simply couldn't. I was there, where I needed to be for just another moment in time. And most importantly, I was with Ma and for that alone I was grateful.

We weren't out late. It was quite early actually. But I was tipsy, the night was over and it had been lovely so it was time for bed. Going to be early, meant I woke up early too. I was up at 9, with a small hangover, nothing major though and feeling slightly on edge. I can never rest properly if I've been drinking and I had food on the brain. I wasn't allowed to compensate. I wasn't allowed to restrict because of eating and drinking last night.

I got up and did what Diann had suggested I do, after boozing..the dreaded hang-over food. I didn't want to make the same mistake as I made on Boxing day (which was not eat properly, to be able to deal with daily life). So it was a small challenge, the first one of the new year and I did it. I had 2 scrambled eggs and 1 slice of toast for breakfast. The first time in years I've let myself start the day with something other than muesli or fruit. That was a big big step. After eating that, and feeling fine, I was still hungry so I had another slice of toast. Then I had to escape from the kitchen because I got scared I'd overeat. That's how I'd deal with hangovers, years ago.. I'd eat all day long to not feel the drink anymore. It was never an issue back then. But today, I couldn't afford to overeat. It would only have wrecked with my head. So I went to bed for another 2 or 3 hours, got up around lunchtime and had what I'd usually have for breakfast, yogurt and muesli.

I wasn't that tired and I wasn't feeling guilty for eating, drinking and enjoying myself, last night. I'd forgotten all about the finger food I'd eaten and didn't let it interfere with what I was eating today. And that's big.. I can't remember the last time I've let myself eat AND feel good the day after a drinking session.. It's been so long. I didn't have to compensate today and I didn't have to suffer. I was good to myself and had lots of nice healthy food, after the eggs this morning. And they weren't too bad, the eggs. They aren't bad for you either. I've only just realized that I think..

So it's fine. It's all worked out okay and I feel I've taken a big step, over the past few days..even as I'm still trying to deal with all I've come realize over the past week and after Dianns session on Monday. Everything continues to constantly unfold. It's amazing..