Calm versus Chaos 2

As I sat with Diann yesterday I didn't know what I wanted to do, say or be. I even said to her that I'm tired of talking about myself. Yes, I could hardly believe it myself.. I always have something to say..but yesterday I didn't want to anymore. I just wasn't bothered. There simply can't be anything else left to say. But of course, there always is, even if it doesn't make sense. But nobody's judging me, so why should I care if what I was saying was just jumbled-up mumbo-jumbo, without any meaning or relevance? Should I care? No I shouldn't.

During the week I was trying to figure out if I need to go over the past 6 months in order to deal with it. But I don't. It's all in the past. We're living in the here and now. What's happened has happened for a reason, it was meant to happen as it did and as long as I've made peace with it, then it's okay. And anyhow, who wants to relive pain over and over again? I don't. I want to move on, more than ever. I asked Diann, what if there are still things I need to deal with..what then? Don't I have to find out why, where and when? Don't I need to search for answers? But of course I don't. If there are still things that I'm having trouble with, they'll come up, in daily life. I'll know if there's something bothering me. I'll know if I need to deal with something. Because they'll be right there in my face, they'll be occupying my mind and I won't be able to ignore them, if I continue on the road I've been traveling. If I continue to be open and honest about how I'm feeling, then I won't need to dig or stress.

I know that all too well. If there's nothing there, if all the bad thoughts have gone, then that should give me more energy to be creative if that's how I want to be. It should give me time to enjoy life and do things I want to do.. There are certain people who always start their day by writing what it is that's bothering them. It doesn't matter what these things are, nobody is evaluating or observing these things. They are exactly the thoughts that are in that persons head, at that moment. Once they've gotten everything out of the way, then they can let themselves be just as they want to be.

In a way that might be what I've been doing for months now. I'm not too sure. But I've always started my day with writing and then everything is out there and not in my head anymore. However it didn't always mean that the rest of my days were blissful. Definitely not. They were mostly doom and gloom and filled with stress of Anna. But that's the way it was meant to be. Because she was ruling me and I needed to fight her. After writing whatever it was that was on my mind, that gave me space in my head to deal with the issue at hand..which was Anna. God, that makes so much sense. Anyhow so now, I still start the day by writing and don't feel okay until I have done, and I don't have Anna occupying my mind 24/7, so I can find things I enjoy! Wouw.. How great is that?? Can I continue my life like this forever? Always start my day with writing whatever is on my mind, to leave room for happier feelings and thoughts and to keep the river flowing? Because it will continue to flow..forever. It's not going to stop, suddenly when I wake up (pretty soon I hope) and Anna is out of my life. The flow of life will always be there, it's natural. It's what we're here for.

For probably the first time in my life, around 3 or 4 weeks ago, I lay in bed and actually said to myself, god, what a life I've had so far. There's so much ups and downs, as with most people, but I should be able to let my head rest and feel at ease for once. I deserve it, just like everybody else. I don't need to raise issues that aren't there and I don't need to find solutions to problems that don't exist. I know that, but as I said.. the mind has a mind of it's own. If I'm not dealing with things, or occupying myself, then of course I'm going to go insane. Especially if it's in my nature to be active, full of life and always needing more of whatever it is that could come my way.

It's a part of life. Doing things and being as we want. It's normal. Every person on this planet does it. Day-in day-out, people live their lives, make choices, aim for goals, achieve miracles, fight illness and nourish relationships, all to live and be happy.

During the week I was almost afraid to do anything. It was like it would all be wrong or maybe it was too soon. But if I'm otherwise going round the bend, then it's time to start being in this world again. I don't mean booking the next ticket to Canada (no matter how much I'd love to) but it could be by doing the simplest little thing, like taking a short walk or starting a language course. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. The point is, that if I don't start branching out to slowly start going about life again, then I think I might slip into a depression. This is not what Diann said, but this is just how I've been feeling. Because what healthy person wouldn't go insane by sitting indoors all day long? It's not that strange really..

I don't have to feel abnormal for wanting more, at this moment in time. I don't have to feel alien for doing things that other people don't do (that's what the meditating made me feel like). Again it all comes down to just being as I want to be and forgetting about being judged by myself. I don't have to think about what others think of me, do I? Why would I? Because it really doesn't effect me. It doesn't hurt my core because that's indestructible. Just everybody's core is. A place inside that can never be harmed by anything or anybody. It's reliable to stay intact whatever challenges life throws at us, no matter how big or how small. It will always be there and needs some attention from time to time, it needs to be nourished as well as loved and there's nobody else on this planet that can do that, but yourself. Because nobody else knows how precious it is, what it's capable of and how it feels to be in touch with that person..that core inside of you. That's the shiny diamond that we all have and that we can all choose to see in ourselves and in others too. It the root of everything and contains the solution to every problem we might come across.