Expressing gratitude

I could go through the rest of my life expressing gratitude to each and every person I come into contact with. I could be grateful for every little effort every person makes or for every little thing every person I know does for me, forever. I could thank them over and over again. I could feel guilty if I don't thank them enough. I could then drag the guilt of not expressing enough gratitude towards certain people or the guilt of needing people and the guilt of asking for help or the guilt of burdening people close to me, with me forever and then I could even start to blame them for making me feel guilty because they might not have felt okay with helping me or they might not have excepted my gratitude and they might choose to see me as not appreciating anything anyone has done for me and see me as ungrateful.

But can I? Do the people around me, see me as a burden? Do they see as being ungrateful? Do they see me as not appreciating anything anybody has ever done for me? Do I take it all for granted, just because I can't simply show my gratitude 24 hours a day? Diann asked me on Monday if I had done something for someone close to me, and they thanked me, that would be fine. But if that person who I'd helped would still be thanking me 3 or 7 or 12 years down the line, what would I think? Get over it?? Yes, that's what I would think. This person who I've helped wouldn't need to thank me. I would have helped because I wanted to. Not for any other reason. Not because I can't say no. Not because I feel obliged. Not because I'll feel guilty otherwise. I would have done it, because I would have been willing and able to help this person.

Do we take things for granted? That's another question Diann asked me. Do I take for granted that there'll be certain types of food in the cupboard that I'll always love to eat? Yes, I do. But does that make me a bad person? I hope not. Doesn't everyone take for granted that there's certain yummy food in the cupboard at any given time of the day, week or month? Isn't that normal? Everyone takes for granted that there's hot water, that we've all got a roof over our heads, that there's fresh air to breathe, that our hearts are beating... or just the fact that we are alive.

Nobody goes through life, constantly giving thanks for every little thing that comes their way. It's just not possible. It's draining and it only causes us to feel guilty whenever we forget to be grateful and start to take things for granted. It would wear us down. I cannot go through life just being grateful for another person to "waste" their breath on me or for someone taking 5 minutes of their time to talk to me or for someone to be my friend. That would mean that I think that the other person should save their time, energy and breath on me and that I'm not worth it. That might even suggest that I feel that I only take, take, take and take from everyone around me and that I never give anything back in return. Is that the case?

Do I feel like all I do is take from every friendship I have or from every relationship I have with family members? Do I ever give anything back? Sometimes that's exactly how I feel. I would do anything for them all, but nobody should do anything for me. But if a friend of mine were to feel that and think that all I do is take, take, take and drain them and never give them any support or never bring any kind of joy into their lives or just never contribute to their lives in any way, shape or form, then why would they still be my friend? They, themselves, don't feel guilty or grateful for me loving them and missing them. Because they don't have to. They know they are worthy of having a special place in my heart.

With my family and friends, I know I have a place in their hearts. It could be big, it could be small. But I'm there, I know. Should I be grateful? Should I always give thanks for them letting me into their lives and for keeping me there, no matter what hard times I'm going through or no matter how long I haven't seen them for? Can't I show my gratitude just by helping them when they need me? Can't I show them how much our friendship means, just by always being there for them? But surely, a friendship isn't based on gratitude? It goes without saying that I'll be there for them, always. It goes without saying that I'll help and support them. Surely appreciating and gratitude will always be there. Surely friendships have become so strong that there's no need to say thank you, for taking 2 minutes of your time this week when you chose to think about me.

If I were to go through life like this, then I would choose to be an island. I wouldn't feel worthy of being in contact with anybody. I wouldn't let myself need anybody's help. I wouldn't let myself have hardly any contact with anybody because I'd feel I'm burdening them, just by talking to them. I can't go through life like this. It's insane. But over the past years, I would occasionally think like this. Not all the time. Because when I've been happiest throughout the past few years was mainly down to the fact that I'd meet so many different people and I'd let them into my life and I wouldn't feel like a burden. These great times were also when I've attracted the most people. The people I've met along the way, on my travels, I've befriended and they'd still remember me. They'd still remember my name even if the encounter was very brief and took place years and years ago. So that must mean something. That must mean that I made some sort of an impact on them. So I must have something. Everyone else has something special, so I have to believe that I do too.

I can see the special things in everyone. So I have to see to special things in me too. I think I've always compared myself to my friends and sisters. They've always been in relationships so they always had somebody to rely on, somebody who was always there no matter what, somebody to catch them were they to fall. I've never had that. It's always been just me. But, as Ma and Diann said to me on Monday, Niamh everybody needs people in their lives. We can't go without. And when you're single, your family and friends can take on a more important role, than when you're in a steady relationship. That suddenly makes a lot sense as to why often, when a relationship starts to go steady, people can suddenly not need their friends and family as much as they once did, because they have that special someone on who they can rely. But that brings up a whole different story, of friendships disintegrating as soon as someone falls in love.. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.

Back on track.. I can't go through life thanking people and feeling the need to constantly express my appreciation and gratitude. Nobody can and nobody does. So why should I? I can't and I won't. If I could just see that I'm not waste of time, space and effort. But as I've already established, I can't just switch off this feeling of non-deserving. It's been there for so long. How to get rid of it? Maybe just by doing what I love the most..