Non-deserving as usual

Non-deserving. Is that what I am? Is that what I'm still feeling? In a way, I am. But, I have to say I've improved. At one point, I didn't think I deserved to live. But now I know I do deserve to live. And I want to more than I ever have done before. But why can I not just shake away this feeling of being a burden? Why can I not just let go of feeling that I'm not worthy of help from Ma and my sisters and family and friends?

I was talking to Diann about it yesterday. And it came up because of something I realized during the week. It was 6 years ago and Ma, Eileen and Sean went moved back to Ireland and me, Orla and Emma stayed in Holland. I had just started college and had my room in Breda during the week and came back to Orla's on the weekends. It was hard on us all. I knew that then but we got through it. I was always skint and in a way took over Orla's life. I always felt so guilty about it, but there was really nothing I could do. I look back at that time now and it was hard. I remember Orla being the best and we had some great times, we really did. I was independent, but in a way, at the age of 19, I needed someone to lean on. So I "burdened" Orla with all my stuff. There was 1 or 2 occasions when me and Orla would have a big outburst or anger, leading to tears. But I never knew why, because Orla was great and I loved college and my weekend job was fun and I was happy. When I sat with Diann yesterday it made sense, that it was all a lot to deal with. There was so much going on.. me and Bart had just broken up, I had just starting college, I had money problems, the family had been split.. so it was only natural that it was a hard time. I never resented Ma for going back to Ireland. I was happy for her, because that's what she wanted and it would make her happy. It's what she needed, so she had to go for it. And she did. And I was proud of her for finally choosing for herself.

So why did this suddenly come up.. Guilt, as usual..
During the week I realized that I might never ever be able to let go of feeling guilty for what I've done. I'll go through life and I'll carry it around with me. I'll always feel too much and I'll always feel like I'll have to keep on thanking everybody for everything they have ever done for me. And the past 7 months is going to mean that I'll forever be feeling the need to thank Ma and express my gratitude towards her, for saving my life. Yesterday I was talking to Diann about it, and I just kept on saying how guilty I feel "for what I've done". What have I done though? I don't know. I've been living. That's all. So is that what I'm feeling so guilty about? For being alive? For needing people to lean on, when times were hard? I don't want to need people. I want to be there for others, but why should they be there for me? It's like me wanting Ma to be happy, because she's deserves it. But I couldn't want that for me. It's too much of a good thing for me.. Ma doesn't feel guilty for moving back to Ireland, so why am I feeling guilty?

Guilt is such an awful thing. It really is. But it's not just something I can do away with. I can't just say today: I'm not feeling guilty anymore for "all that I've done". It's not possible. On Thursday I was thinking back to that stage of my life, when I was living with Orla, and it had been so long since I'd thought about it and felt bad for "what I've done". But that voice in my head was actually answering the question as to why I was feeling guilty. The answer was: at least I'm serving a purpose and doing something "good". But it's not good. It's not serving a purpose. It's all in the past. It's over and done with. But if that's the case, then why was it causing me such grief?

Feeling guilty for anything, doesn't serve a purpose. And feeling guilty for nothing, is probably worse. It's causing a problem where there wasn't one. Feeling guilty just weighs me down and it's just confirming the fact that I feel non-deserving. Because there was nothing to feel guilty about. But I seem to think that everyone will think less of me, for the hassle I've caused everyone, all my life. Especially now, and the past year. It's only added to the guilt.

I have to let it go. There is no shame in what I've done, been through or the life I've led up until now. There'll never be any shame in suffering or hard times, just like there isn't any shame in happiness and good times. And feeling guilty is to act out the shame that someone feels. But if there is no shame, then there is no guilt. And these feelings are only linked to other peoples judgement. We feel ashamed, because of what others might think or not think of us. We feel ashamed because our lives can take twists and turns that aren't classed as "normal".. It's all in the eyes of others, so that's what we then choose to see and feel. We then seem to think that guilt is the best way to handle shame. But being alive and feeling good, is that shameful? Being starved to death and feeling bad, is that shameful? I could answer "yes" to both questions. That would just prove that it will never be right. But I could also answer "no". What would happen if I answered "no". Would there be shame in that? Would I be made to feel guilty, just for not feeling guilty and ashamed because of "what I've done"? It's a vicious circle that can go on and on. But why should it? Can I break the cycle? I have to, if I want to thrive and feel high on life as I have done in the past..