Freedoms' Balloon

The day I never thought I'd see. The 2nd of January.
Yesterday afternoon, as I was feeling a whole weight had lifted, I was feeling positive and good. All the festivities have taken place and there was nothing more that I have to gear myself up for. Only for living my own full life again.

For weeks now, I've been thinking about the beach and the sea. I've been wanting to go and just let it do what's it's best at when it comes to me anyhow..and that's revitalizing me. The intention was there for weeks but I always wary of asking Ma to bring me down because that would have said a lot about how my recovery was going and she'd know I'd be doing real good. I didn't want to show anybody how good I was feeling, because I was afraid of the expectations. So for months I didn't want to go near it. It would have done me good and I couldn't bare doing that to myself. But yesterday, I thought about it and the idea and the longing to go to the sea, even for 10 or 15 minutes, had been there for so long that I thought it was time to finally ask Ma to bring me down.

The sea I've always thought of being something amazing. I've never been a "water-person" or a great swimmer, but the ocean itself I think is so powerful and strong but calming and reassuring at the same time. It's unpredictable and dependable. Dependable because after one wave, there's always another and also I can depend on it to always do me good no matter how down I'm feeling. It has always taken my worries away. It makes me feel alive, it clears my head and gives me a boost. No matter what else happens in life, one thing is for sure, the sea will always just be. And on the other hand, it's unpredictable because nobody knows how big the next wave will be or when exactly it will be. Nobody knows what lurks beneath the surface either, be it the underworld or the plates in the earth, shifting to cause a tsunami.. All these things that are unknown, also make it a scary place.

But as I stood there, the waves clashing against the rocks, it thought back to the last time I went to that same spot. My god, it was probably 4 or 5 months ago and I had walked down. It's an hour walk from our house and an hour back again. I remember my legs were on autopilot, just trying to get me there. It was awful and I didn't enjoy it because I was trying to burn calories. Nothing else mattered. It was when I had only started my sessions with Diann and I knew I shouldn't be walking, she had advised me not to. But I didn't care. I was walking, I was living, I was breathing. Surely that was enough? But yesterday, it was totally different. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't tired, I wasn't worried that I was doing myself damage, I didn't want to burn calories. I could actually smell the fresh air again and appreciate the sea, like I used to.

The sea has always been a place that shows me there's so much more to life. It's like, beyond the horizon, there's a whole different country, people, way of life, opportunities and adventure. There's just so much more out there and the sea always remind me of that. I remember before I went to Oz, I would go to beach regularly. The same one as I went to yesterday. We were living in a different part of the town, so it was only 5 minutes down the road. It did the same to me back then, as it still does today. It makes me feel alive. It clears my head and any problems or doubts I'd have would be solved, just by almost "engaging" with the sea.

Back in June, when I came back to Ireland on holidays or what was only supposed to be a holiday but turned into an extended stay, I walked to the beach nearly every day. It was the place where I had finally come to a conclusion that something was really wrong with me. I remember sitting on a rock, I was writing in my little black food book (a notebook I've had for a few years, where I would write down every little piece of food I ate). I suddenly knew I'd have to let Ma in.. I knew I had to open-up. I was honest with myself and let myself be me and that's when I realized I couldn't continue living like this. This was on a Saturday afternoon and that night me and Ma went for a drink and I didn't say the actual words, but I gently let on that I had an eating disorder. 2 days later, we went to the doctor and that's where it all started.

So going to the sea that day, back in June, and letting myself tell myself the truth really opened my eyes. I could never have expected that day to lead to this day and for it have been the push I needed, to start heading in the right direction. I never knew. Yesterday, as I stood there so many months later, I knew instantly everything would be okay.

My whole reason for wanting to go to the sea yesterday, was because I wanted to do a little "thing". Diann said weeks ago that this should be the time of year to let go of things that were holding you down the past year, a time to reflect and to look at opportunities and to see where you're heading in life. So, as a symbol of letting go of what's been holding me down in 2008 and letting other things that have been brewing in my head, grow in 2009..I blew up a balloon and wrote the words representing what has gotten me through this ordeal, words representing what I want to focus on, words representing ideas I have that need to grow. Like: Fay, Anna, Food, Health, Comfort, Writing, Ma, Freedom, Wisdom, Family, Niamh, Travel.. and much much and the word I wrote the most was.. free, free, free, free, free..I wanted to let it all go..

So I stood there, not caring who was watching me, and let the balloon go.. It would have been a real "magical" or spiritual moment if the balloon actually got swept away by the wind and would have disappeared amongst the clouds as I'd say goodbye to so many things and feel instantly refreshed and revitalised as the balloon faded away taking all my fears, worries and dreams where they needed to be.. That would have a beautiful and emotional sight. But it didn't quite work like that. It wasn't windy so the balloon just lay on the rocks as if to say: "I'm not going anywhere, you're not letting go of anything today.." Cheeky little thing. So I placed it down in between the rocks for the waves, the rain or the wind to sweep it away.

It was the 1st of January 2009 and I had left a part of "me" behind at the beach and with the sea. Where ever I go, I'll always think back to yesterday and what it meant. This time next year, I'll be able to think back and again, reflect on how my year has been, and again see where I'm heading in life.. and do the same thing with the balloon.. Maybe it will be windy and it will get swept away and disappear between the clouds. Maybe I won't be near a beach or the sea. Maybe I'll be in the mountains. Maybe I won't be able to buy a packet of balloon, and I'll have to do it differently. But it doesn't really matter where I am or what way I do it. It was a special moment and there will be a lot more of them to come, that's the main thing.