Photo's and Fat

I seem to be having fat days and they're making me crazy. It's all been brought by feeling uneasy and wanting to get on with my life and looking at photo's from either a year ago, or 2 years.. it doesn't matter because they all make me feel huge. The photo's from a year and half ago, are the worst, the summer of 2007 when I was in Darwin. 2 years ago, I look similar to how I am now so they make me feel okay, 6 months ago I look plain ill so they can kind of shock me because of how bad I looked. But when I was in Darwin, I thought I was looking great. And I'll never look like that again and it's been keeping me awake at night and waking me up far too early in the morning as well.

I can't stop thinking about all the people I met when I was in Oz, and what they would think if they saw how much weight I've put on. They'd probably be disgusted.. "Niamh, how could you have let yourself go like that?? Where's the healthy Niamh gone?? Look at the size of your face!" I'd feel so ashamed if I were to see them today. I'd want to bury my head in the sand, because that's the worst part of me. My massive fat head. The rest isn't too bad (even though me backside has grown overnight, I've got one all a sudden and I'm not too sure how I feel about that just yet..). When it comes to my body, I know once I start doing yoga again my muscles will tone-up again and I'll be able to stay healthy and not chubby. But my head..the thing people see first. The thing people judge first. The thing that indicates how healthy I am and how "good" I'm doing and how "progress" I'm making. It's so annoying and I can't get rid of it.

If I were to see those people again, what would they say? What would they think? I don't think I was in my fullest of health, back then, so if they really cared about me wouldn't they want for me to eat properly and be healthy? even if it does mean having a fat head? The most important people from my travels, knew me from the very start, like Kelly, Shellie and Jason.. so I was at a healthy weight. They know what's been going on so they'd want and nearly expect me to get back to that healthy weight, I suppose. Except for 2 people. Lisa and Christian. They knew me only to be skinny. Even though they'd often express their concern about my exaggerated healthy eating habits and my weight. They'd ask me why I was so skinny but I'd always have my story lined up and it would be fine. I was probably the same weight when I was hanging out with them, as I am now. They both know what's going on and Lisa always sends me emails, supporting me and mentioning ever time how much she wants for me be the happy, full of life and crazy person I was when I met her back in Darwin. I wasn't my usual self though. But somehow she knows I'm a happy bubbly person and that's all she longs for me to be. Surely she wouldn't turn on me, if she were to see me now? She's not that kind of person at all. She's one of the kindest people I met when I was in Oz..

As for Christian.. He was learning to speak English which meant he wasn't always able to find the right words to say what he wanted to say. Whenever he would ask me why I was such a low weight, he couldn't never say exactly what he wanted to say or express his frustration or his concern because of the language. And he's got a typical Italian temperament and I knew it pissed him off that he couldn't say exactly what he felt. That was good for me, because it meant I didn't have to face up to it and I just brushed it off. In the hostel I was living, I became known as the "skinny-little-Irish-girl-who's-always-running-around-and-working-her-non-existing-ass-off-and-parties-hard" and that felt so great and now that I'm not that person anymore I feel like I've lost something. Like I've lost part of my identity. If I were to go traveling again, would people still be drawn to me, like they always were, if I was chubby? I don't want to be that way and I can't stop worrying about it.

Looking at photo's brings it all back again, that feeling of being so skin and bone and feeling so great.. The new and improved image I wanted to be mine forever. But it wasn't meant to be. I know I've felt like this so many times before and I thought I'd passed it all. I thought it might slowly start to fade and maybe it is. But I ask myself, do I have to go back over that period of my life, of a year and a half ago and deal with it properly to be able to make peace with it? If I don't then maybe I won't be able to look back and feel happy and not see Anna and want to be her again. Is it important for me to go over that stage of my life? If I don't then I might never feel okay, with looking at photo's from my time in Darwin and maybe I'll never feel fine with being in contact or even seeing people I was traveling with back then. I don't know how important it is for to do that.

Maybe it's that I haven't yet established when exactly Anna kicked in. Is that it? That might be the reason why I'm afraid to look at the photo's.. I don't know if I'll look at myself and see a happy soul or a lost soul. I was feeling happy back in Darwin, I really was. I had some of best times in Oz, during those 3 months spent in that city. I might just be afraid that Anna will take all those great memories from me and I might not appreciate or feel a warm glow, when I look back.

I know, today, that I was muddled back then. But I'm just not too sure how much.. How have these thoughts and worries been affecting me the past few days? I don't know. Maybe I've been busying myself too much and I haven't been wanting to think about any of it. Because I know there's a lot going on underneath, still. It will continue to do so, until I'm feeling fine with it all. So maybe I should just face up to looking at those photo's. But they make me feel so bad. There was a time when they made me feel so happy. Recently the thoughts of going through the photo's and bringing back up the memories, hasn't been giving me an exciting buzz, as all the other photo's from the first 6 or 7 months of my year in Oz have been doing.. I'm not too sure, but I'm feeling a little yuck about it all..