My own worst judge - 1

On Monday with Diann, I was talking, as usual, about myself. Because that's all I seem to do. But I suppose if I didn't there'd be no point in going. So anyhow, it came to the subject of failing and of making mistakes. Something that is always there at the back of my mind. It's such a fear of mine. Even though I know there's no need for it and that it solves nothing. This might get a little repetitive..

Everything I've done, I've always had to be the best at. I've never wanted to admit not being good or not enjoying something I thought I would be either good at or enjoy. It's like I'd be a failure if I started something and it turned out that it wasn't for me. And that's always seemed like the worst feeling in the world. Not the fear of failing, but the actual failing itself. At the moment, it's the fear of failing and making the wrong decision, that's doing my head in. I feel like people will look at me differently and think of me to be worthless, if whatever I decide to do, doesn't turn out for the best. I remember when I started realizing that I had issue with food, thinking of how people would look at me and judge me. The embarrassment I'd feel and the let-down I'd be to everyone was so enormous that I had secretly decided to go through the rest of my life not eating as I should.

But it's all proven to me that nobody was judging me or turned against me or called me a failure for having had the problems I've had. It also proves that the judgement I feared from others, was really me fearing my own judgement. It's all in my head. I know a lot of people can relate to themselves being their own worst judge. However when it comes to others, I don't judge them, so why should I judge myself? If other people are worthy whether or not they fail or make mistakes, then why can't I have that same attitude towards myself?

I know what it feels like to judge others and I know what it feels like not to. And the best feeling I've gotten was when I wasn't judging anybody. Everyone is guilty of judging other people, and when I've done it, it causes such frustration, resentment and jealousy. Who wants to feel like this? Judging maybe a habit that's hard to break and that society has forced us to do, but really if we have a choice between either being judgemental or not, and we have felt the relief when we don't judge, then why would we choose to do so anyway? It doesn't make life any better, for ourselves or the people we come into contact with. What joy can we get from engaging in gossip or saying someone is worthy only when coming from a certain background or only when making certain decisions? Letting people live their lives, and make their own mistakes and believe in what they want to, is the best feeling in the world. And it only gets better and we do the same for ourselves.

Being my own worst judge and critic only makes me feel stressed, pressurized, worthless and alone. Because I know that nothing will ever be enough. Diann has said this over and over again. I'd be telling her of all the things I dream of and still want to do. And when I'm talking and really saying that what's in my heart and what I believe I can make happen, it's like there are no limits or boundaries as to what I can experience. And then suddenly there's this part of me telling me that I must be insane, or that something will stop me from living my dreams or that I must be the most greedy person on the planet to want so much. That voice has been coming up over the past weeks, and it's not Anna by the way.

I've started to relate this voice back to how I feel when I'm speaking from the heart and being true to myself and the question comes up as to what it is that's going to limit my enjoying, embracing, experiencing, learning and thriving.. What is it that holds me down and puts me back in my box and tells me to contain myself? The part of me that's judging. That's also the part of me that tells me to think rational and to stop kidding myself. It literally says: "Who do you think you are thinking you can do and be as you want?". And it's so easy to listen to it and to see that I'm living in some fantasy world, thinking that I can make miracles happen. It's just as easy to listen to that voice as it is to listen to other peoples judgement. The source of the judgement is different, but the message is the same: Stop fooling yourself..

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