My own worst judge - 2

Making mistakes shouldn't be wrong. We can only learn from them. It's not failing. Instead it shows courage. It's taking a chance. It's not about letting other people down but it's giving things a go and seeing how they plan out. It's not about being irrational but it's taking a risk, so we won't go through life regretting that we never did what, at one stage in our life, was presented to us. It's not about feeling worthless if we do good or bad but it's being uncertain which in turn feels liberating and exciting. When we are uncertain, we don't attach ourselves to the outcome and it makes us free to decide whatever we want. Taking a leap of faith, and seeing where you land, doesn't have to be labeled good or bad, or classed as being too much or too little.

Once we start labeling what we want to do or achieve as being either good or bad, right or wrong, that's when we start judging ourselves again. Labeling is judging. It's not letting what should be, just to be as it should. That's when we try to satisfy that extra voice inside our head, or the voice of the world we live in, that's telling us we're being a little bit on the unrealistic side, that we're off in lala-land and that we don't deserve to aim for the stars. And the worst thing about this voice is that we can never satisfy it. Nothing will ever be good enough.

I can recognize this voice so clearly which I suppose I can only use to my advantage. When I was traveling and doing as I wished, it wasn't enough; I needed to see more of the world. When I was starving myself, it wasn't enough; I needed death. When I was going to college and I passed by the skin of my teeth, it wasn't enough; I needed straight A's. That extra voice will never be pleased and it will continue to tell me that I'm not worthy to have a life of travel and that I'm silly for thinking I could ever have that. It's also telling me that other people will think I'm just going through a phase and I'll soon forget all about these dreams I have and it's telling me that others will think of me as a time-waster for needing to travel. This voice is telling me I have to think rationally. It's telling me that travel is all well and good but I'll need to achieve more, to feel worthy of life. It's judging my every move. Nothing I'll ever do, will keep it at ease. It brings on so much pressure and stress that all the great experiences, aren't fully appreciated and and all the opportunities that arise, are overlooked.

I'm starting to recognize this voice and it's a sabotaging voice. It's trying to steer me away from all the things I truly need and believe are out there. It's trying to convince I'm worthless and non-deserving. Diann suggested I give it a name. It's not Anna, because it's not got a lot to do with food. Anna is a small voice in that whole other person. Almost like a natural predator. Up until months ago, I would see this predator in other people. Their judgement would be enough for me to doubt myself and question what I believe I need. The voice inside of me, I'd hear or feel it through what the people around would say or think about me. I'm just seeing this now. I used to nearly resent and blame them for making me think I should do differently and should live like everybody else. But now I've learned that it's inside of me but I never realized it before. I chose to take on criticism and judgement from others, so blame and resentment don't really come into it.

Right now, the larger part of me, doesn't care what others think. The larger part of me, let's the people around me think what they want. They're opinions or remarks are their issues. Not mine. They would look at me and for some reason say this or that or think such and such a thing. But it's their own stuff and, without them even realizing, they're using my "irrational" thinking as a projection of their own loss or whatever things they have troubles dealing with or issues that they haven't resolved. And with my own mental strength, I know I'm immune to others opinions and remarks..be they good or bad. They don't have to influence me, only if I let them. And I've learned to see why it is they'd say or think such a thing. It's there stuff, not mine. So I can close it off and not let it steer me away from the things I want.

This is all about external factors, which I cannot control. But I can react in such a way that I won't be the victim of their issues. I won't take them on and let them weigh me down. I see now that external judgement and internal judgement can be approached in the same manner. This "natural predator" I have in my head that's making me feel guilty, unworthy, non-deserving and that's trying to mess with me, is my judge. But I can recognize it for what it is and not let it hold me back. I can name it and ignore it. I know exactly when it comes about and I also know that what it tells me, isn't true. It's not what I need to hear and it's certainly not the voice that I should be following. It can try it's hardest to keep me awake at night and it can try to convince me that I shouldn't be breaking away from Holland. But I know it's my judge and therefore I choose not to listen. Just like I choose not to listen to the world, which I can sometimes feel is also judging me. People can label me, I don't care. As long as I don't label myself as being good or bad, right or wrong. I just am what I am and therefore no judgement is required..