A walk down the road

This morning I went for a walk again. And I've discovered this place just up the road. I was walking around the other housing estate and came to end and then there was this road leading up to what I thought was only a factory. I followed it anyhow, and there was a view of the sea! I couldn't believe it. I thought we were miles away from it. The road itself stopped at a field as it was dead-end. I couldn't get to the sea though, but I could see it. And it was so nice. I sat on a wall for a while, taking in everything. The sun was out and it was even warm; there was me thinking it was going to be freezing wearing my hat and scarf afraid that the cold was going to stop me in my tracks. But it didn't. I felt a million miles away from home, even though it was only 15 minutes down the road. There was one cow mooing in the background and it sounded like he was in agony.. poor thing.

Anyhow, sitting on the wall, I was reminded of so many different and great times that I've had. The mountains with the blue sky reminded me of Austria (but without the snow). The green fields reminded me of New Zealand. The blue skies and the birds chirping reminded me of Greece. The brown and sandy colours reminded me of Oz. The gates that led to field where the cow was mooing reminded me of when I was tourguiding. And funny thing, nothing reminded me of Holland, only the walk to the sea reminded me of the time my friends came over 3 years ago to visit me. All these memories were so great and I know I'll be making them again. It gave me such a buzz and then there was just little pang of guilt that I was getting. And it was about work. I felt that if I'm able to walk and not feel like lying down straight afterwards, I should be back in Holland working. What a shame for that to come up.

It makes me think rationally.. Would I seriously be able to work right now? I don't know. I don't think so. Lots of people think that it's just because of my energy that I'm not able to work yet. And now that my energy is coming back, then surely Niamh should be working, right? Wrong. It's not just the energy. It's this feeling I get in my head, whenever there's too much stress. A feeling that I can't really put into words, but it's a feeling of everything being too much, sounds, people, fresh air.. or thinking about the simplest little thing. I know nobody can understand, because I can't even put it into words myself and I don't expect anybody to be able to relate to it. My mates have been saying that, at the weekend, when we go over to Holland, if I have the energy that we can meet up. But that's not the only thing it's about. It's my head that can be the problem as well. They think that just by putting me on chair, when I'm tired, then I'll be fine. But it's not only that.

As I was walking along this morning I had to force myself to rationalize these thoughts and feelings of being able to work, come up. I have to. If I were to be back in Holland and still recovering, would I be back at work right now? No, I wouldn't. Just because I've been getting my strength back doesn't mean to say that I'm ready for everything yet. A few good weeks is what I've really needed to give me this boost. But who's to say what will happen in weeks from now? Who's to say that if I were to start working, that I'd not suffer a relapse and undo all this goodness that I've been feeling?

Nobody can know. If I can't know, then there's nobody else who can. But am I willing to risk it? Am I willing to listen to what everybody else is saying and get back to work, just because I'll feel guilty if I don't? No. I have to let it go again, because it will just bring me down or hold me back. Tomorrow me and Ma are off to Holland for the weekend, until Monday. I'm looking forward to it more than the last time. But there's just that little part of me telling me that I'm able to work, if I go over and it turns out to be a success. Even though I'm pretty sure I'll be handing in my notice next week, there's a small part of me that's telling me not to. People have said that I have a right to still be paid sick-leave. Diann said that I even deserve it. So maybe I should hang on just one more month. But if it's going to make me feel so guilty, everyday for the next month, then is it really worth it? Is it just a part of me telling me I shouldn't "push me luck"? Is it just me feeling I don't deserve to be paid sick-leave, whilst I building back up my strength?

Will all this guilt, subconsciously make this weekend go all wrong? Because I'll be thinking that everyone else thinks I'm better? Will that make me hold back and not enjoy myself, just to prove that I'm not back to my full health yet? I hope not. Because I want it to go well. I can't dwell on what others might or might not think. I can't think about work. I can't stop myself from enjoying a weekend, just in case others think I'm lying. O god, I knew this was going to happen. I knew that the stronger I get the more guilt I'm going to feel, towards work. Especially now that I'm thinking of waiting one more month before telling them I'm not coming back. Is that me being deceitful? Am I being greedy? I don't know, really I don't..

I've been looking forward to going over. The only thing I'm dreading is the guilt of doing well. And I'm dreading the move too. I know, by writing this right now, that I'm "feeding" the guilt and I'm making it all worse than it is. And I shouldn't be doing this. I can't afford to. There's a story I've been reading the past few days, and Diann told me to relate it back to all these thoughts and thus back to me. So that's what I've been doing, to stop this guilt from messing with my head and from making me feel down again. The thoughts can come up so easily. Just like they are right now. So I'm gonna focus on other things for a while. The walk was so nice, and it didn't have to have this effect on me, really it didn't..

Yeah, now I'm not too concerned about this weekend. I can't wait to see everyone again. I'm not worried about food either. I don't even know if I'll be bringing my supplements with me. Friday I'm moving my stuff from Breda. The thing that's worrying me the most is the feeling in my head. Not the physical side of it. Just what it might bring up, inside. But I'm sure I'll be able to get through it. I can't dwell on it, and I need to let go of that part of my life. It has to become a closed chapter that will only lead to other chapters closing and new ones opening. It's not a mistake. It's what I need.

Other than that, I have all my tools, inside of me, to get through if it all gets too much. I know what to do when the going gets tough. I'll be "testing the water". And I'm looking forward to flying again.. I love planes and I love the take-off. It's always used to excite me so much and it's been a while since I've sat on a plane and enjoyed the ride (even if it is going to be a rocky Ryan Air flight). Saturday is little Aidens birthday party. It's going to be busy, so I'll just take it as it comes. I'll have my "party-food-plan" and my books and I'll have "me". I'll be fine. It will be good to get away from Arklow for a few days too. So that's what I need to focus on right now. Not on guilt and not on work either. Just on me.