Thursday - Ireland to Holland

It's Saturday morning and I've been in Holland now, 2 days, since Thursday morning. So far everything has been going pretty well. The journey over, was pretty good too. We left the house at around half 5 in the morning. I wasn't feeling anxious and I was exhausted even though I didn't really get that much sleep. So a good start. And I kept it up. Everything part of the journey, that cost me so much effort back in November when I came over, was now a whole lot easier. In some ways it was effortless. I enjoyed being in the airport again too. I've always had a thing with airports for some reason. They would always give me a buzz and the atmosphere would bring out the best in me. That feeling had gone for a while, but it was there again on Thursday morning. The flying was cool again and I didn't need to zone-out in order to get through the journey.

At the airport in Dublin, going through security they wouldn't let me take my supplements onboard. I didn't check in any bags, so the drinks were in my handluggage. So that was ínitially a slight worry. Because I haven't been without at least one supplement a day, since July. And it felt like I was suddenly going "cold turkey".. Giving-up something that I had clung onto for so many months, without warning and not by choice. Up until Thursday I had only been taking the one drink, each night. Somedays I would feel like I didn't need one, but I'd have it anyway because they have so much goodness in them, which can never go astray. And once they were taken off me, I thought.. right, this is it. It will be a challenge now, to see if I'm okay with eating without my food-plan AND feeling find with finding an extra source of nutrition for the next 5 days, without feeling guilty and dealing with the stress of everything else too. It's like a dubble-challenge. I didn't even consider getting the food that would be on the plan. Which would usually be the thing that I'd fall back on when there's too much other things going on around me for me to feel fine with eating. Because then I'd be expecting it to be and feel the same as it does back home, but it doesn't so that would only defeat the whole purpose of having a food-plan. That's what happened the last time I was here. So I thought it best to stay away from the plan and eat intuitively. That way there'll be no expectations so no let-downs eithers. Then on Thursday I realized that I wouldn't even have the supplements to fall back on, like I did 2 months ago when I was here, if I were to suddenly be overcome with feelings of Anna.

But I couldn't dwell on it and I wasn't going to worry. It would just be a little bit trickier. And so far the eating has been going pretty well, considering the stress of moving my stuff yesterday and seeing people I haven't seen since June (which I've started to call "the big reveal"). Thursday turned out to be a long day, but good too. I was eating and feeling fine. There was no paranoia and I didn't feel too much stress. Occasionally when I would start to feel the pressure in my chest, I'd have the mantra's that Diann suggested I practise, weeks ago. They really work by the way. Throughout the day, I didn't feel pressurized into doing anything and I didn't commit to anything either. I just went with the flow.

At times I felt like I was being blown away by myself. I wasn't forcing to be or do anything I didn't want to. But I was just so happy and excited by everything. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually be around people and feel happy in their company. I'd nearly forgotten the feeling of love whenever engaging with anybody. I'd forgotten what I was like when I'd get caught up in the moment and get excited by things around me. It had been so long that I started to doubt that I'd ever feel like that again. But it was all still in there. Which was shocking. O yeah, I even had some apple tart, for the first time in years. It was only small piece, but it was enough and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel paranoid or guilty and just ate it.

I'm staying in Orla's house for time I'm here. On Thursday it was Aiden's 2nd birthday, the party is today but on Thursday we went to see him in the evening. And it was so great. I've never been able to feel like that towards either Aiden or Enya, ever. It was so strange. It was like my eyes were suddenly being opened-up to what life can really be like, when someone is energized, happy and has a full belly. I felt like a new me. And it was great.

I knew Ma was keeping an eye on me. But the way things have been going and the way I've been feeling since I've gotten here, I really don't want or need her to be on the look out. I know I'm getting ahead of myself right now, but it's like I can be apart of the world now and I don't have to worry anymore. I know that life still excites me, probably only more so than it has ever done before. When I was getting through the day, it didn't once come to me, that I was trying to prove to everyone that I'm doing a whole lot better than I actually am. It didn't enter my mind. I know Ma was keeping an eye on me, to see how I'm coping. But that didn't have an effect on me the way it might have done months ago. Usually the "watching-eyes" would subconsciously force me to act in a certain way just to prove that I'm not well enough yet. I'm not ashamed anymore, that I'm doing either good or bad. I must say though that sometimes I do feel pressure from Ma taking-in my every step. It might only feel like that's what she's doing and I'm probably paranoid. So when that pressure comes up, I can quickly put it back in it's place again.

By 9 o'clock at night I was exhausted though. I went to bed, but I was over-tired and couldn't get to sleep. I lay awake for ages. I wasn't worrying or feeling bad or guilty or any of that. The day had just been so long and I couldn't remember the last time I'd done so much in one day and felt okay with it. The fact alone that I traveled and got myself to Holland, was an acomplishment in itself, but to stay feeling okay for the rest of the day as well, was a massive step. Well, in my eyes it was anyhow.