She

What am I supposed to do when it all gets too much? When I can no longer distract myself from what is really going on and from what I can feel I need to deal with. But I simply can't because it hurts too much. What am I supposed to do? I want to escape feeling like this, but I can't. I know it's there so I have to face up to it, but it makes me feel so bad. My chest starts to hurt and I can't stop crying. I feel like she's taken it all away from me. I feel like something has been stolen and I can never get it back, or I'm scared I'll never own it again.

Everything I want, she's got. Everything she is, I'm not. Everything I think up, she can do. Everything I dream of, she steals. As if it's nothing. As if it's meaningless. As if I don't matter. As if my feelings don't count. As if it's all effortless, which it's not. But she doesn't know and either do they. It hurts, badly. And she has no clue or idea of what her actions do to me. I don't want to see anybody or hear anybody or be around anybody. To be left alone is all I want, again. That way there's no risk or no chance to hear what I don't want to hear or hear things that I can't deal with. To hear things that only show me how far I have to go to get what I really need. Because it has become a case need, it's no longer a case of want. This is a case of not being able to live and be happy, without it.

I can't and will not ever settle for anything less. Because it wouldn't hurt so much, if it wasn't what I was meant to do. But she just acts as if I don't count and as if it doesn't effect me. She knows nothing and hasn't a clue. It probably would have been nicer to be stabbed in the heart than to have to face up to losing something so dear. The resent is unbearable.

A moment alone or being alone with my own thoughts is too painful. But I'm doing it right now. Because I know I have to deal with it, sooner or later. I can no longer escape this feeling, it's right there. This urge, this tension, this pressure, this loss. All of these driving me to tears. Tears that are making my eyes sting like never before. My head is fuzzy and I want this feeling to go. But it won't. It never will. Not until I know there's a way out. Not until I can see where I'm going. Not until I have reassurance that my time is coming. Not until I can deal with not having what I need. As long as I know it's coming then I can deal with whatever comes my way. And if it's what I need, then it's a neccessity. I cannot be without it. It's real, it's raw and it's me.

I clutch on to this awful feeling and try to see it as an answer to where or when I should leave. It has to have a meaning or else it wouldn't feel this bad. It's never felt as bad as it does right now. I can never leave this room. Can I? I'll just cry, once I see someone. I'll break down again. I feel resentment, anger and loss all over again. When they start to die down, it's okay, but I instantly think I'll be okay to be around them, but then I know I won't. I can hear her voice right now and it makes me so angry.

The worst thing about it is that I know exactly what to do to make it go away. I know how to turn it around, but I can 't. I think I'm beyond retional thinking right now. I feel too yuck and my head is no longer my own. So I can't and don't want to use all my energy to pick myself up out of it and make this into a better day. I'm facing facts, by writing this down. But I can't go any further. I have to draw the line somewhere. So I'm drawing it here. I don't need to. There'll be more days. Better days that won't be ruined because of hearing certain things. The emotions and the pain might leave tomorrow or later on. But for now, all I can do is distract myself in order to feel somewhat sane.