Am I what I eat - 2

Anyhow, I was walking for a short while, trying to make sense of my reaction. Why was it so over the top?? Well, first of all, Eileen saying that I'll get square eyes, is just her way of saying that it would give HER square eyes and a headache if she was to sit behind the laptop for a certain amount of hours each day. It doesn't mean that she thinks badly of me or that she's trying to make me feel bad. Nothing like that. That remark being made at the same time as I realized that it was going to happen this weekend, meeting the girls and Mickeys family and that it was going to be a big challenge, just made me stressed out and panicky and Eileen eating nuts and fruit as well, was like she was invading everything I would always lead myself to believe that was me, which is "I am what I eat". Therefore her taking nuts and fruit, that for so long I had convinced myself of being all I had in the world and one of the few foods that I could feel safe with and also made into the person I want to be, was what nearly sent me over the edge.

This statement "You are what you eat", used to be my core-belief. I was watching a programme last week about people in rehab and they said that in order to change your behaviour, you need to change your core beliefs. What did they mean by core-beliefs? Well, they are certain opinions you believe so strongly in that they rule your life. Mine used to be that I'm worthless, non-deserving, a burden, fat and a waste of space. Things that I had convinced myself so often of. If I didn't convince myself of this, then I'd be failing. Another core-belief that I had, and that drove me to eat as little as possible.. was "you are what you eat". It became a mantra to me. Everyday over and over again, I'd be telling myself this. And the more strongly I believed in this, the less I would eat. With every bite I took, of whatever food it was, that was what I would class myself as being. It would keep me away from fatty foods, chocolate bars, sweets and crisps. And eating nuts and fruit and yogurt, made me into this person that I wanted to be.. If I am what I eat, then eating healthy makes me healthy. And it was MY own personal thing. MY OWN WAY. So seeing or hearing about others also being healthy (like is was being this morning) doesn't make me feel unique anymore.

It was only this morning, as I was walking around the area, that I realized that this statement, to this day, is still very much a part of me. I can still believe in it so strongly. Especially when stress arises or I feel unsafe. So Eileen eating the nuts, was like her taking something away from me. She was taking a part of who I had so strongly believed I was and she was making it her own. One of the very few things in life, that I felt I deserved, and she was taking it from me. Like I established yesterday, it again has a lot to do with boundaries. Because thinking about the boundaries and realizing that this morning I should or could have placed myself in a bubble, answered all my questions. If I'm in a bubble, Eileen eating nuts that I love, wouldn't effect me. It wouldn't take anything away from me. It's just Eileen eating healthy foods. If she does or doesn't, doesn't make me worse off, all of a sudden. I'm still a whole person, I'm still me, I'm still unique, I'm still fighting and, most important of all, I'm still safe. My identity isn't lost, as she eats what she wants. My identity isn't lost, as I eat what I want. If I have that bubble, it will show me that my core-belief was all wrong and I'll slowly be able to change it, and that in turn will change the way I react in certain situations and also keep the feeling of panic and anxiety at bay.

So those few moments, when I was in the kitchen and so much was being stirred-up inside, I was still able to make the right decision and I didn't take out my bad feelings on Eileen. I took a step back, to suss out what had just been happening and why, by going for a walk. And it worked wonders. Changing this belief of me being what I eat, won't happen over night. But I could at least stop saying it to myself, that would be a big improvement. Because I don't think I ever stopped. Not until now, that is. Putting a certain type of food in my belly, doesn't mean that I'm a walking lump of fat.. It just means that I'm able to live out my core-beliefs that will adjust with time. What is a core-belief of mine at this moment? Well, I truly believe that I am worthy and deserving of happiness and I've felt that happiness inside and am not ashamed to admit it. And how am I expressing this in my daily life? At the moment mainly through this blog and slowly but surely more and more through how I'm approaching life in general. I also truly believe that my happiness depends on me traveling again, and that's what I'll be doing. Another belief is that travel is what I'm meant to do, so soon I will be putting my beliefs into practise. And to be able to do this, I'll need all different kinds of food. Because without it, I'm next to nowhere or in the middle of a green field, lost.. So I'm signing off with the statement: I'm NOT what I eat!