Friday - Moving house

Friday morning was another early start as we were going up to Breda, to clear out my room and do "the big move". On Thursday I was so focussed on that day, that I kept on forgetting about the next. The biggest challenge of the weekend, and it kept on slipping my mind. I was just living for the moment and I reckon that helped me so much. Because when I woke up on Friday morning, there was no dreaded feeling in my gut or in my chest which I thought there would be. I wasn't too worried. The only thing that played on my mind, was the fact that I might bump into somebody from work. That was my main concern. But I didn't..so no worries on that front anymore.

It was a 1-hour drive to Breda and we went with 2 cars, Emma's and Orla's. When I look back on yesterday now, I can't believe the amount I said and did, in the space of day and still managed to feel fine. In the car, on the way up, me and Orla were talking. Properly talking, about things going on in both our lives and I was opening-up. It was a big thing for me to be doing, but I wanted to and it just came naturally. It's hard to understand what opening-up to someone close to you can feel like, when you haven't been able to do it for so long. It's the strangest feeling and I can't put it into exact words. But it's like exposing yourself, to someone who knows you so well, but from a different perspective than was once the case. Not only that, but it was also the timing. I was about to make a big step, by "closing one door", which would have normally (or months ago) sent me into automatic abondonment for this earth, but I actually wasn't. As it so happened, while I was in the the middle of taking this big leap by moving, I was also taking another leap, but slightly smaller by opening-up to Orla without judgement, guilt or fear.

I really never imagined the day to go so well. The worries that I had over the past few weeks, about whether or not leaving Holland was the right thing to do or not, were gone. Whenever the thoughts did come up, I'd hear them and realize within an instant why I was moving and why I needed to get through the day with as little drama as possible. It would have been so easy though, to get back in to my old life in Breda. Because when I walked in, it felt so familiar again. It was so great seeing Imke, my roommate and that's probably the main thing that made me leaving that house, a little harder. Going through my stuff and sorting everything out, was quite liberating. I don't have a lot of stuff and I threw some out too and it was good as well to see it all again, because it cleared my head. I could see all of my possessions in the whole world, or most of them, in one spot. I've always hated the fact that I can never properly remember what I have and where it all is. Some of my stuff is in Emma's, others in Ireland and now, after the move yesterday, most of my stuff is in the garage in Axel. So I feel like I have a grip on things again.

It all went pretty quickly. By 1 o'clock we were finished in Breda. I wasn't emotional throughout the packing because it wouldn't have made things easier and I wasn't going to make it into a big drama. It was only when it came to acutally leaving the house, that I felt sad. But that's inevitable I reckon. No matter where you've lived, for no matter what length of time, it's always strange knowing that you'll never live there again. And of course leaving Imke was such a pity. She was always so much fun to live with.

We moved all my boxes back to Axel, stored them in the garage and everything was sorted, all of a sudden. I didn't feel exhausted, bad or guilty. I didn't have any regrets. I felt like a weight had lifted. And I knew things would only get easier from here on in. To see all my stuff, in the one spot, and for it to take up such little space, was a nice feeling. And when I think back 14 months ago, when I was moving all my stuff from the in Axel up to Breda, I can feel such a difference. Storing everything back again yesterday, felt better than moving it all up in the first place. This felt right, whereas first time round, it didn't. So I know everything will work out as it should do.

I was thinking about what it would be like to be moving my stuff into a place of my own, and I just couldn't imagine that ever to feel right again. Not that I'm saying I'll never want my own place, of course I will, but not right now. Right now, having a home full of stuff just gives me this instant feeling of panic. Whereas having hardly any stuff, and for it to be stored away, for whatever length of time, feels so good. And all I want right now, is for it to be just me and my backpack again. All the things I need, will be on my back. I'll have access to everything and I won't have clutter to weigh me down. I'll have all the essentials and I'll feel lighter than I ever did. I cannot wait.

My next big step, will be letting work know that I'm not coming back. I'm going to do that next week. If I approach it the same way as I approached the move, then all will be okay. Making a change in life, can be the riskiest and sometimes the hardest thing to do, but without making a change and taking risks, I"ll never know what could have been. I'll never look back and I'll never regret taking this leap of fate. I'll have no doubts either and when I do, they'll only prove that the unknown is far more fulfilling and exciting than sticking to the mundane and planned lifestyle I could have chosen to lead.

So all in all, the day went well. I wasn't sad, I wasn't tired and I was still eating well. I haven't missed a meal of felt guilty for what I have been eating. I haven't been missing the drinks too much either. I had a better sleep last night, so that always helps. And again, I didn't lie awake worrying about today and the party and about seeing people I haven't seen for so long again.. Because none of that matters to me right now. I'm not thinking ahead and not about tomorrow. I haven't decided whether or not to I'll be meeting up with Natasja, Janneke and Wendy. I don't know how I"ll be feeling. But as the day goes on, I should know more. For now, all is okay..