Saturday - Aiden's little party

Today it's Tuesday and it feels like I haven't been writing for ages and ages. It's only been 3 days. So much has happened. I'd better start from where I left off.. Saturday afternoon was Aiden's birthday party. I wasn't too nervous and I wasn't dreading it either. I knew I'd be okay. I set up my "party-food-plan" beforehand. I was letting myself have 4 glasses of wine and some savoury nibbles (not crisps but nuts or crackers or something). As for dinner, I didn't really think about that too much, I wanted to go with the flow and see how I'd do, being around people and eating whatever were to come my way.

We got to Emma's at around 3 and it wasn't as busy as I thought would be, which was a nice surprise. Sandra and Naomi were there, which was great. I was feeling really good for most of it. We were chatting and everything was great, just like old times. I ended up having 3 glasses of wine and 2 slices of pizza and some nibbles. Which wasn't as much as I'd expected myself to have, so that only made me feel better. It was the first time I'd had pizza for months and months, which was a big step, especially eating it and being in good company too.

By 7 o'clock I'd had 3 glasses of wine and I was feeling the effect it was having on me. Everything was getting too much. The people, noise, kids, alcohol, heat..everything. I thought if I were to have another glass of wine, it would make me feel better. But I suddenly had second thoughts. Usually it would keep me loose and make me be able to sit and chat and feel all light. But I couldn't stomach the 4th glass. I'd had enough and I knew if I'd have forced it down my throat, I'd only mess my head up and Sunday would end up being a bad day (which it wasn't because of this wise decision).

Usually when I've got the taste for alcohol, I wouldn't consider the next day and what I'd be feeling like. Especially not at a party and still letting myself have another glass of wine without feeling guilty and for that glass to still be within the limits of my party-food-plan. But my body had suddenly reached its limits. My throat felt closed-off and I suddenly realized that I didn't want or need alcohol. I knew I'd feel better if I stopped, so I did. I had enjoyed the 3 glasses but it was enough. Just like the pizza, I had enjoyed the 2 slices and that was enough too.

But for me to realize this, it took a time-out. It took the fresh air for me to be able to put everything into perspective. Before going outside, I could feel myself tearing up and getting frustrated because I couldn't physically drink anymore. So I wasn't going to force myself to stay inside and act as if I was feeling fine when really I wasn't. I went out into the garden for a short while and after repeating certain mantra's over and over again, made me feel sane and safe again. It helped me make peace with what the alcohol was doing to me and would continue to do to me if I hadn't have stopped drinking. If it hadn't been for the mantra's, I would have had to go to bed and everything would have gone "belly-up". Before the party started, I was planning on staying in Emma's house, so I could keep up with the "party-spirit".. but by 8 o'clock I had decided to go back to Orla's house. I'd had enough of drink and of people and of chatting. I wanted to go to bed and not have to speak to anybody anymore. So that's what I did. By 10 we were back in Orla's house and I was in bed by 11. Feeling good.

It was a really nice day and overall I didn't feel too overwhelmed by everything. Except for that short strange feeling, when I decided to stop drinking. As I'm writing this, it's almost like I've a drinking problem as well. But I don't, I've just always liked it so much and maybe secretly depended on it in the past to make certain situations more bearable and for me to have the best time ever. That doesn't mean I've a problem, because I know most people have done this a few times in their lives. But on Saturday the drink was purely for enjoyment and not to escape reality or disengage from what's going on in my life or around me. And that's why I might have surprised myself. I felt at ease, because without it, I would have enjoyed myself just as much. I wasn't having wine to make myself feel loser or better, but because I like the taste and because I wanted it. I stopped having the wine, because I didn't want to get drunk. I wasn't restricting myself and it had nothing to do with having too much calories (which would have been the reason for me not drinking too much, during the past 7 months). And I might have been tipsy, which would usually send me into a binge, but it didn't. Which is good sign that I can healthy control my eating when the barriers are down (which is exactly what alcohol can do) All these little things, all add up and make sense.

So a lot was learned on Saturday and all food, people, drink, chat, children, noise and of course "revealing myself", didn't blow me away like it would have done, even only 4 months ago. I did notice that some of Emma's mates who would normally chat to me about nothing in particular, didn't make an attempt to talk to me. But that's okay, I can understand they didn't feel comfortable asking me what I'm up to, because they obviously know what's been going on and maybe they didn't want tread on any toes or put me on the spot. I didn't take it personally. Other than that, it was so nice laughing and chatting, especially with Sandra and Naomi. It felt like it had been so long. The last time I seen them, I wasn't feeling too good. But on Saturday I was, and it showed.

Everything I did throughout the day, wasn't being seen as a "means to an end". Once I didn't look at things like that, there was no pressure, no stress and everything was approached in a whole different light than whenever I'd do the smallest little thing and see it as a means to an end. It's like being present at every moment and not worrying about how I will feel, act or experience people, food and the world in general, in 4 hours time. It's all about the here and now and that changes the way a day is experienced.. in a very strange kind of way.

I wasn't the last man standing on Saturday, which is something I would usually aim for, but now I didn't care. It didn't bother me in the slightest. I had agreed to meet up with Natasja, Wendy and Janneke the following afternoon and at the moment, it was more important to me, to be in good form for that, than to force myself to prove I can still be up for a good time. So it all turned out okay. I did the right things at the right time. And Sunday would also turn out to be okay..

P.S. Noami and Sandra: I was thinking about the whole "being-sick-from-a-pea-that-was-forced-down-my-throat-when-I-was-five" story, but I don't really have that much to say on the subject.haha..just that peas will never be my favorite piece of veg.. ;) Brocolli is the only way forward..